I really thought I had it down. Our first four years were pretty damm good. She use to say, "I'll have to thank (previous fiancee) for giving you up". She use to say, "if this is you on a bad day, there will be no problems" and stuff like that. If i knew we would end up like this, I would never had gone back to school. I think the lack of me working really nocked the hell out of my self worth. I just wanted to do things to show her how much I appreciated the opportunity she had given me. I couldn't shower her with gifts like I wanted, and she really would not have wanted them, so I focused on making home improvements. I think she felt she wasn't as involved in the process as she would have like to have been.

We do all these things to show our respect and admiration and devotion, but they (women) seem to not understand our need of self worth.

I swear I thought I was doing things right. I called daily, flowers, I love you's, leg messages, hot GOOD meals when she came home, kiss goodnight, shout out an I love you angel if I had to run to a fire call, (never can tell what can happen on those), surprised her with washing the car, never argued from a point of I am right you are wrong and if it was taken that way by her I would clarify by saying, I am not saying I am right, I am only lettig you know what I was thinking and why, all kinds of things that other wives we knew were jelous of.

I had my mistakes too. Lord knows I wasn't perfect. I read these things in the books and I swear, I could have wrote it myself.

I think the biggest issue I am having is knowing she is seeing another. I knew it was inevitable. I really thought I was mentally prepared for it and them BAMMM! You see someone else in your garage and know he looks better than you because everything is new. The quarky things they do are viewed as funny or charming were your quarky things have become an annoyence. New views, and flying high because everything is going their way. And here we sit, second hand, with our flaws, and not on a roll because the hole we have were our chest use to be is big enough for a mack truck to slide sideways through you.

The only saving grace is before I knew for sure she was seeing someone, we were getting along very well. I think she also wants that but I swear, I feel like a pretzel stick in the middle of the dessert so dry and fragile and feeling the need to WIN her back. I know I am just going threw the stages of rejection and I have so much going for me, but even my job is in essence because of what she was willing to sacrifice for (along with my sacrifices and hard work) to make it happen. Now that I have it, the person that I wanted to share those bennefits of having a career in a field I love, does not want to enjoy it. It takes some of the charm out of the job if you know what I mean.

I am getting lengthy here and should save something for my next post. Please pray (if you believe) for me not to F up on thursday when she takes me to the hospital. I do have to ask her why she thought I would go back to bartending for a friend of mine after all the trouble it caused in our marriage. This is something she asked in a recent email. Of course I wont if the sitch does not lend itself to any other talk than " do you have yyour stuff?".

Take care neighbor to the west. I am in metro Minn. and can always use someone else to sound off to.

Thanks
Jak466

Jak466




State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?

Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.