What is she saying?

[huh?]

I think that telling her that she looks nice would be good and telling her how much you appreciate her taking to the hospital. I don't think that I would do the 'there's no one better', personally I think that it may be a little too much. Linda

[jak466]

Thanks LH,

I posted this in the WAW section but also wanted to put it here too. I am feeling so torn and angry and down etc, you all know the feelings. I just had to sound off.


My sitch is so up and down. I swear, I am sitting in Gods blender and he keeps hitting the whip button.
I have had recent contact with the EX but first I will give you a quick rundown of my some of my sitch.

EX makes a good living (CPA). I was very unhappy with my career and she supported and encouraged me to go back to school. I started in pre-pharmacy but switched to the fire science degree when I found out the Fire Dept. I was volunteering for would cover most of the cost.
During this time, I would be in school, Doing home repairs, Fire Dept. duties and training, and picking up odd part time jobs. I have worked since I was 13 and not working full time really nocked hell out of my self esteem and self worth. You can't really give of yourself when those items of your character are missing. I just wanted to feel like part of the team. I knew I would never make the kind of money she did but that was not a concern. I just wanted to make and contribute what I was capable of.

In the past year, coming up on the bomb day four days before our anniversary (Aug 21), I have, Lost my father (nov.)Started my new career, (Jan) Been told its time to move on (Jan, one week after starting new job that we both sacrificed for) moved out in Feb (clothes), Moved remaining Items (April) which while moving the couch, I dislocated my knee and had to have surgery, finalized D in April, turned 40 in April, Moved my mom from her home to a seniors aprtment, completely redid her house to get it on the market (were I am staying until it sells), have a brother living there with me who seems to have not only a criminal record for being stupid, no job and a drug problem, ripping me off of my posessions (Shotgun, pain killers from surgery, tools and money), Second surgery coming next week on other knee, not sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night, lost 48 lbs, but only needed to loose 20lbs, feelimg like I'm really crashing inside followed by the anger of why this is happening at all, XW showing concern as to how I am doing but will not talk out any thing to do with us even to just find how we misinterprited what the other was saying or ment during our relationship, reading books like take back your marriage, DBing, men from mars women from venus, seeing the paterns of what happened and confident we could fix our probblems and not even getting a chance, XW now dating someone.................

My XW shows concern and has offered to take me to and bring me home from the hospital, said in a recent email, doesn't know what our future holds for us, but seems distant the last couple times I spoke to her, I have tried to sound and be as positive on the phone with her like all the books and advisers tell us to do while in reality I feel like dying in a fire would be less agonizing, hoping to see some kind of sign that maybe that imaginary light goes off in her head that our problems were no different than any one elses and less than mosts, I have more time on my hands than I can fill with things to do and the one I want to dedicate it to does not want to be pressured, I swear I'm going in sane.

Through all this, I am suppose to, set new goals, be upbeat and positive, not let it show that I am hurting and miss the life I recently had, keep from making mistakes at work which in my line of work can get you or your crew killed, look for a new home, do my 180s, keep fit, take a class, and god knows what else.

The most laughable thing in all this, is my XW has asked me to be patient. Patient for what? She isn't saying, I love you and I am trying to sort things out, she isn't saying I am trying to let you down easy which there is no way in hell that ever works, it hasn't been because time heals because it rarely does until we find the new person to be the right distraction and although sexually bent right now have no real desire to have the courtship conversations of whats your favorite color.

I have completely rambled with little cohirency in this. SORRY!

Any comments I can use them.

Jak466

[jak466]

Latest emergency:

I have been reading all these books and getting advice here. I have seen so many ways that I have made mistakes in our R. This is to say, we both missed on pleasing the others needs. I will be seeing her on Thursday morning as she has offered to take me to my surgery. Again I know she still cares. I just want to tell her that with what I have read, and looked into myself for, I have an appreciation and understanding of the feelings she had in our marriage. Why she felt lonely, why she felt I didn't care. I can honestly say, after reading Mars-Venus, I was doing all the man things to show my love and admiration. I would give flowers and advice when she just needed me to shut up amd listen. She needed me to do other things. Having this knowledge has become painful in itself. I want to share this new knowledge with her and tell her I understand more but also fear the push it may cause. I have been trying to be more patient but I completely suck at it. My nerves are shot and I feel I have to say something about this. In the emails I have sent in the past, I have always used examples were I felt we made mistakes and the acts of kindness I had done to show I loved her rather than validating this hole experience.

I know now I just needed to say, I loved you and showed it to you in many ways. I just feel that they were not the way you needed at the time. I couldn't care more about you than I do now but I know I can show it differently than I have in the past.

I am so torn as to saying something like this and having it make a difference and of course the big push that will most likely happen.
How can she see that I undrstand without letting her know I understand?

My father past away last NOvember and I was there to hold his hand. I never thought I would feel so empty and helpless as that. But going through this divorce has left me like that for months now. In fact it has made me feel even worse.

Please advise

Jak466

[Just_Me]

I know what you're feeling and thinking. Been there, done that. You feel like you are smarter about relationships and can be a better partner, friend, and husband. Unfortunately I really feel that telling her will acheive nothing except make her realize that you are still holding on to hope that you can be a couple again. Actions speak louder than words. Use the opportunity to show her you can listen and validate. Just my .02

[Just_Me]

Funny thought,

When I told my XW what you are considering telling your W, her words were exactly what I told you..."been there, done that". I don't anticipate that your W will have any more confidence that things would be different than my W did.

[jak466]

Thats why I post here La_espernza.

You seem to give good advise. I KNOW IT IS GOOD ADVICE BECAUSE IT IS OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO.
I always come back to the thought, well, she's not with you now so what could laying it all on the line hurt?

The fact is I know what it could hurt. I see she does care at times like my surgery or brother missing and she asks then how I am doing. I lie tell her I am fine. When I am with her, I can be pretty positive unless talking about us also. She doen't initiate anything right now and I hope that will change SOON. I am not sure if I posted part of a recent email on this thread, but she did sign off, talk soon. Maybe she has something for me on the day of surgery that she is willing to talk about. No matter if it is good bad or indifferent, it will be good to hear her say something.

I havent followed your sitch. Do you have a link? What happened that your wife became your XW? You seem to have grasped this whole do's don'ts and communication deal.

Jak466

[Just_Me]

I havent followed your sitch. Do you have a link? What happened that your wife became your XW?

Yeah, I have a thread here in the divorced section. My XW had a brief EA with an internet person she never met. Immediately after she dropped the bomb and said the infamous "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Turns out the person she was e-mailing wasn't the person she thought it was and it ended after I sent a nastigram to the person. It didn't change things. My XW had reasons that went beyond any EA, mainly problems that related to her kids and me. We stayed friends throughout the separation and at one point talked about moving back, but it never materialized. But because we stayed friends we did have talks about why things would be different this time, but I think she was just convinced that D was the right thing. This I believe was mainly because she thought I wasn't a good step-dad, even though they like to hang out with me, stay the night, give me hugs etc. I don't know...just the typical WAW I guess. My grasp of do and don't of communication come almost exclusively from what hasn't worked for me and reading what hasn't worked for others.

I would say that if you W is ameniable to friendship then keep building on that. Work on the communication and just enjoying the moment. I often wanted more when things were good and it set me back. Let things naturally evolve. At this point I'm in a place where I've let the friendship slide. We still talk a fair amount and can go out to eat or the movies together, but I don't pursue as much. I've determined to take what she gives me, be patient, and keep looking at my own happiness. She might be lucky enough to get me back before I've moved on with someone else.

[jak466]

I really thought I had it down. Our first four years were pretty damm good. She use to say, "I'll have to thank (previous fiancee) for giving you up". She use to say, "if this is you on a bad day, there will be no problems" and stuff like that. If i knew we would end up like this, I would never had gone back to school. I think the lack of me working really nocked the hell out of my self worth. I just wanted to do things to show her how much I appreciated the opportunity she had given me. I couldn't shower her with gifts like I wanted, and she really would not have wanted them, so I focused on making home improvements. I think she felt she wasn't as involved in the process as she would have like to have been.

We do all these things to show our respect and admiration and devotion, but they (women) seem to not understand our need of self worth.

I swear I thought I was doing things right. I called daily, flowers, I love you's, leg messages, hot GOOD meals when she came home, kiss goodnight, shout out an I love you angel if I had to run to a fire call, (never can tell what can happen on those), surprised her with washing the car, never argued from a point of I am right you are wrong and if it was taken that way by her I would clarify by saying, I am not saying I am right, I am only lettig you know what I was thinking and why, all kinds of things that other wives we knew were jelous of.

I had my mistakes too. Lord knows I wasn't perfect. I read these things in the books and I swear, I could have wrote it myself.

I think the biggest issue I am having is knowing she is seeing another. I knew it was inevitable. I really thought I was mentally prepared for it and them BAMMM! You see someone else in your garage and know he looks better than you because everything is new. The quarky things they do are viewed as funny or charming were your quarky things have become an annoyence. New views, and flying high because everything is going their way. And here we sit, second hand, with our flaws, and not on a roll because the hole we have were our chest use to be is big enough for a mack truck to slide sideways through you.

The only saving grace is before I knew for sure she was seeing someone, we were getting along very well. I think she also wants that but I swear, I feel like a pretzel stick in the middle of the dessert so dry and fragile and feeling the need to WIN her back. I know I am just going threw the stages of rejection and I have so much going for me, but even my job is in essence because of what she was willing to sacrifice for (along with my sacrifices and hard work) to make it happen. Now that I have it, the person that I wanted to share those bennefits of having a career in a field I love, does not want to enjoy it. It takes some of the charm out of the job if you know what I mean.

I am getting lengthy here and should save something for my next post. Please pray (if you believe) for me not to F up on thursday when she takes me to the hospital. I do have to ask her why she thought I would go back to bartending for a friend of mine after all the trouble it caused in our marriage. This is something she asked in a recent email. Of course I wont if the sitch does not lend itself to any other talk than " do you have yyour stuff?".

Take care neighbor to the west. I am in metro Minn. and can always use someone else to sound off to.

Thanks
Jak466

[dejavu]

Hi Jak, from a neighbor east of you!! Thought I had posted to you be4, but guess not! Have to catch up w/all the things I meant to say.

From your other thread:

She is taking me in for surgery this thursday. I haven't seen her since I told her I knew she was dating someone. Little nervous about this. I think after the sugery, I will go as dark as possible. I feel I am just ripping the band-aid off the wound every time she sends me a scrap of hope. I will see if that has an impact.

Is there anyway that you could find some1 else to take you? Any type of medical work is enough stress, why put yourself through worrying what to talk about and such? I'm sure she means well by offering to drive you, but it isn't what you need right now. Take care of yourself and don't open the wound up until you're ready.

Now, if there really isn't any other choice than to have her drive you, NO expectations.

I am not sure if I posted part of a recent email on this thread, but she did sign off, talk soon. Maybe she has something for me on the day of surgery that she is willing to talk about. No matter if it is good bad or indifferent, it will be good to hear her say something.

'talk soon' I used to get the 'see you later' when I was dating my x years ago and I always took that literally, planning a nice dinner just to have him not show up or call! And he signs most of his emails 'talk to you soon' and yet never does. I'm not trying to beat you up here, just want you to see it for what it's not! Just like when you meet an old friend and they say, 'how've you been' - it's just a casual greeting. Whenever she is ready to 'talk' she won't say it as such in an email.

She doen't initiate anything right now and I hope that will change SOON.

It won't happen soon. Unfortunately, this takes time.

I think the biggest issue I am having is knowing she is seeing another. I knew it was inevitable. I really thought I was mentally prepared for it and them BAMMM! You see someone else in your garage and know he looks better than you because everything is new. The quarky things they do are viewed as funny or charming were your quarky things have become an annoyence. New views, and flying high because everything is going their way. And here we sit, second hand, with our flaws, and not on a roll because the hole we have were our chest use to be is big enough for a mack truck to slide sideways through you.

Whoa, slow down that truck! We have flaws, BUT so does the OP! The newness does wear off, and I'm sure she has flaws also. I overlooked a lot of my h's flaws over the years, but now I just sit and wonder what his ow thinks of them! (the flaws are major enough that I know he hasn't corrected them yet!) And I am currently in a semi-dark position w/him. It does hurt to think about what they could be doing, but I won't allow it in my life right now. Why open that wound up? Work on your life, do the things you like to do and try new stuff. It may not seem like fun at first, but eventually you won't be focussing on her sitch the whole day and maybe have a few minutes here and there of happiness. Build on that. Be all you can be for yourself.

Sorry to make this so long, take care and good luck in surgery.
T

[Just_Me]

I agree with T. Don't read too much into the "talk later" or "talk soon". I think your definition and hers are probably quite different. I agree with the rest of her advice as well. To quote the words of Michael Jackson "start with the man in the mirror" or was it "has anyone seen my nose?"