I posted this in the WAW section but also wanted to put it here too. I am feeling so torn and angry and down etc, you all know the feelings. I just had to sound off.
My sitch is so up and down. I swear, I am sitting in Gods blender and he keeps hitting the whip button. I have had recent contact with the EX but first I will give you a quick rundown of my some of my sitch.
EX makes a good living (CPA). I was very unhappy with my career and she supported and encouraged me to go back to school. I started in pre-pharmacy but switched to the fire science degree when I found out the Fire Dept. I was volunteering for would cover most of the cost. During this time, I would be in school, Doing home repairs, Fire Dept. duties and training, and picking up odd part time jobs. I have worked since I was 13 and not working full time really nocked hell out of my self esteem and self worth. You can't really give of yourself when those items of your character are missing. I just wanted to feel like part of the team. I knew I would never make the kind of money she did but that was not a concern. I just wanted to make and contribute what I was capable of.
In the past year, coming up on the bomb day four days before our anniversary (Aug 21), I have, Lost my father (nov.)Started my new career, (Jan) Been told its time to move on (Jan, one week after starting new job that we both sacrificed for) moved out in Feb (clothes), Moved remaining Items (April) which while moving the couch, I dislocated my knee and had to have surgery, finalized D in April, turned 40 in April, Moved my mom from her home to a seniors aprtment, completely redid her house to get it on the market (were I am staying until it sells), have a brother living there with me who seems to have not only a criminal record for being stupid, no job and a drug problem, ripping me off of my posessions (Shotgun, pain killers from surgery, tools and money), Second surgery coming next week on other knee, not sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night, lost 48 lbs, but only needed to loose 20lbs, feelimg like I'm really crashing inside followed by the anger of why this is happening at all, XW showing concern as to how I am doing but will not talk out any thing to do with us even to just find how we misinterprited what the other was saying or ment during our relationship, reading books like take back your marriage, DBing, men from mars women from venus, seeing the paterns of what happened and confident we could fix our probblems and not even getting a chance, XW now dating someone.................
My XW shows concern and has offered to take me to and bring me home from the hospital, said in a recent email, doesn't know what our future holds for us, but seems distant the last couple times I spoke to her, I have tried to sound and be as positive on the phone with her like all the books and advisers tell us to do while in reality I feel like dying in a fire would be less agonizing, hoping to see some kind of sign that maybe that imaginary light goes off in her head that our problems were no different than any one elses and less than mosts, I have more time on my hands than I can fill with things to do and the one I want to dedicate it to does not want to be pressured, I swear I'm going in sane.
Through all this, I am suppose to, set new goals, be upbeat and positive, not let it show that I am hurting and miss the life I recently had, keep from making mistakes at work which in my line of work can get you or your crew killed, look for a new home, do my 180s, keep fit, take a class, and god knows what else.
The most laughable thing in all this, is my XW has asked me to be patient. Patient for what? She isn't saying, I love you and I am trying to sort things out, she isn't saying I am trying to let you down easy which there is no way in hell that ever works, it hasn't been because time heals because it rarely does until we find the new person to be the right distraction and although sexually bent right now have no real desire to have the courtship conversations of whats your favorite color.
I have completely rambled with little cohirency in this. SORRY!
Any comments I can use them.
Jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
