What is she saying?

[jak466]

I know I am not the only one to go through this and I have read some great advice in the Do's and dont's. Wish I had read that before I sent those emails to my XW telling her how much I care and miss her. We were together 7 years and I moved out in Feb and our D was final in April. We have been getting along well enough since May and we were keeping things light. She had invited me over a couple times and I went and we had a good, friendly time. Unfortunately, I found out she has been dating someone. I told her I thought I was prepared for that mentally but it appears I still have a jealous streak and I know we are divorced and she has the right to do it but it hurts like hell. She cried and told me she was sorry and didn't want to hurt me. That lead to a big conversation about what went wrong in our marriage and I got the same laundry list of problems most of us on this site have heard. Basically, I didn't change. She also said at the time, she thinks of me every day and misses things I did but says it's too late just like when we were first going through the divorce. That is when I started in with emails about us again and know I have been pressing hard. Bigger mistake. I found a section in a book called avoiding unnecessary divorce and sent her a copy of it along with a letter saying I am not blaming her for the divorce and I knew I had done my fair share to add extra stress and pressure on the marriage but the pattern of explained in the book was exactly what happened to us.

I have posted the last email I received from her. I know what she is saying but I am not sure I understand what she is saying. Big Difference. I can't tell if she is saying I am keeping an open mind but I need some time right now or just leave me alone. Not to mention, what could she feel she lost? It was her choice to end counseling and get the divorce. In my opinion, and I wouldn't say it to her, but you can't lose what you chose to give up.


Got your message this morning. Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. I try to be nice and get along with you, only to be pressured about talking and meeting for a casual visit, etc. You say it's not to get back together, only to be 'friends,' but then I get an article in my front door about preventing unnecessary divorce. Do you really think that's helping anything? When I ask you to back off a little and give me time, you get mad and act like it's my fault that you feel like a fool and embarrassed. I don't ask to be guilted about our relationship, past or present, and I don't really need it. It makes me feel the same as it did when we were married.

You don't seem to realize that you're not the only one who lost something here. I don't know what the future holds for us, but being pressured about it doesn't do either of us any good.

Please, be patient.

Thanks.



I am running through the peaks and valleys of this D and am finding it hard to get out of the valley. I know all the clichés about I am a good person, do for yourself right now and don't let her know your hurt but I am struggling. It's been six days since I last had contact with her and it feels like months.

Anything anyone can add would be of comfort.

Thanks

[Just_Me]

Wow! There is a ton of hope here. You know what you have to do. You have to LISTEN and be PATIENT. She says she doesn't know what your future holds and to just be patient. To me it implies that there is still hope. There won't be if you can't knock it off with all the pressure. Get back to just friends with no more of the past R talks. She needs to work through that stuff herself. Over time the regrets, disappointments, and anger over the marriage can be replaced with decent memories.

[jak466]

Thanks for the words.

Sat. Night though and having a tuff go of it. I have actually went to were I work to hang out with the guys on shift.(Firefighters)I feel I am going to bust. Very anxious and bored. Nobody in town to talk to. Want to call but no that will not end up well. Don't want to talk to her about us, just want to talk to her and see my dogs. I am already doing some 180s but so damm hot out I don't want to walk and t.v. is junk.

[Burgbud]

jak, it might help if you think about it like this...(if not, forget about it and try something else!)...

What can you do to get her back tomorrow? What could you do to get her back the next day? What about next week? What about two weeks from now?

I can't answer for you but I'm willing to bet the answer to all of those questions is: nothing. She's likely not coming back tomorrow or the next day or next week. God might produce a miracle and make it happen, but you cannot.

But what about in two months? Or four months? Or six months? What could you do to get her back in that kind of time frame?

The first step, since she's asked for it, is to give her space; let go and detach. Don't try to find some method to get her back into your life. Figure out how you can change to *attract* her back into your life. Write down the changes you'd like to see in yourself. Start with not emailing or talking to her about your relationship for awhile (a month? two months? until you get some positive signs? how long can you take it?). Maybe figure out something interesting to do on Saturday nights. If you do interesting things, especially if you didn't used to do them, you'll be more interesting to her.

The idea is, if you have a plan and have written down some goals, it will make it easier. It's still hard and it still sucks, but it's easier.

Good luck!

Oh, I almost forgot...I agree that her message is quite hopeful. But it's hopeful for the future, not for tomorrow or next Wednesday, etc.

[jak466]

I have a delema. My EW said I am always wanting things verses needs. She has a point. I told her I like to dream. I also said to her that if the dreams don't happen, I may be disappointed but I don't get upset. Well, I have wanted a motorcycle for a while and most of the firefighters at my station have them. My EW liked the idea of having one some day but she is a cpa (certified puplic accountant)and I believe if I got one now, she would see it as wasteing money on a want verses a need (as I am renting and not looked into a new home for myself). I agree with this but also see getting one as an opportunity to get out with others and do things rather than sit and dwell on my misery.

I looked into a home(mobile) with lake access about two hours from were I work. I always wanted a cabin and the wife knew it. I really was looking at it as my perminent residence but the drive is just too far and being a mobile home not on a slab, it was considered personal property and I coulden't get the loan for it anyway. When she found out about it, she saw it only as a cabin aspect and assumed I was dreaming again. She let me know she was not happy that I would be looking at something like that. I expalined to her that I was thinking of making it my perminent residence but couldn't get the loan anyway and I was really just looking to get the "F" out of the area.

Something else weighing heavy on me. I have never told her of the things she did in our marriage that hurt and bothered me. I am dealing with those thoughts these days as all my corespondents to her have been to the positive side of what we had and could achieve if we both worked at it. I really tried to not put blame on her for our sitch in my writings and have admitted I have plenty of shortcommings. I really need to vent it out but don't feel just writing it for myself is doing any good.

Burgbud. thanks for the advice.

Jak466

[mastateflower]

Remembering that non of us are professionals here and that each of us come from differnt backrounds and prospectives, but given that, since you asked, (over in my thread) I'm going to give you my opinion.

I see this two possible ways. One way is that she truely doesn't know what she wants. But you have to remember if she is thinking about you...it will never be the same. You can't "fix" the marriage. You can't "save" the marriage. The marriage is over. If you two have a chance, it will be in a completely new relationship. That means if she has interest in you,you have to start by dating her again. Stop pushing her into self help books or e-mails stating what you think went wrong. Give her some time to think about things and then try asking her out. Try starting completely over. Get to know her all over again.

The second possibility is that she is making the mistake of thinking that she can let you down easily. My X tried this. All smiles and promises about being friends. Made me think there was a chance when in fact he was already moved on with his life and making long term plans. The X doesn't understand that letting you down easily can be more painful then just getting it done and walking away.

If the second case is what is really going on then of course you need to cut all ties and move on with your life.

In fact even if it's the first case, you need to move on and then just see if there is room for a relationship with her in the future.

So...my advise is that you buy the motorcycle. Don't worry about what she thinks. It's not any of her business anymore. Start hanging out with the guys. Have a little fun. Spend some time with your family or old friends. Go back to school and take a couple of classes. There must be all types of things you could take that would be related to work. Would get you out of the house and maybe help for the futre. I won't worry about a house yet. Get your feet under you first. Enjoy life...then worry about her.

Gigi

[luckyman]

Jak,,,Your going about things all wrong.Stop.If you,ve read the db book,you'll see that the more you try ,the further they run.

Think about this for a moment.
I'm sure you've seen this before.You see a guy that treats a girl not so well.The girl says he's an a-hole.But the girl loves the guy.
In other words girls like the bad boy.The guy that traets a girl too well doesn't get the girl.Go back to elimentry school.The boy pulls the girls hair,the girl likes that boy.
My x left in 99.I've been divorced since 2001.While I was going thru the speration.I met a girl.She was hot.I treated her well,but didn't get anywhere.I met another girl that wasn't as hot.I didnt really care one way or another whether we got together or not.She would hang out with us.I would pick on her.Tease and [censored].The girl loved me.
So what I do to get girls is act like I dont care.I find something about them and make fun of them.(Pulling their hair).They love it.
Dont try so hard,Just hang out and have fun.
Now I'm not saying go to your wife and pick on physical things that she cant change.
example
I went up to a blonde.Told her she had beautiful hair.She said thanks.I then asked her how did she get that brown dye so close to her scalp?She laughed and hit my arm.I ended up getting her #.Things like that.

Have confidence in yourself.

[jak466]

Update.

As much as I have been wanting to contact my XW I have done well to not....But, I had to contact her regarding a brother of mine.

Background-My brother is the true black sheep of the family. Trouble with the law and drugs. He recently went missing for 16 days. Has resurfaced on the 18th day so all is ok as far as he is alive.

I sent the wife an email stating that he was missing. She called me right away. We talked about this situation and reviewed what my options of finding him were. Everything she mentioned I had already done. About 15 minutes into the conversation, she asked how I was doing and I paused (running through all I have learned of the do's and dont's and advice from all you good people) and blurted out an I'm ok (which was a much better response than I feel like S#!t as I do). She responded with a hesitant I'm doing good to my concern of her well being but she sounded sad. She asked about a part time job that I had worked while we were married and I was going to school that she just hated. Bartending (a 180 here). I told her the owner has asked me to cover about 7 or 8 shifts these past few months but I told him I just couldn't do it. She asked what else was going on in my life and I told her well there are lots of changes but didn't have much time to talk about them right now.

There are several 180s I have done but didn't know how to get to them in the conversation without screaming look at me!

I left a message for her last night that just said my brother has surfaced.

She sent me an email today saying she was glad to hear it then asked several questions that played right into my 180s.

I recently had a physical and have lost a lot of weight (dieting and stress) that I needed to because I was bordering on typeII diabetis and elevated cholesterol. She told me the doctor called and left a message that my blood work looked much better than last time and to keep up the good work.

She also asked asked again about the bartending job and if I hadn't been working it because I was too busy with other things.
I emailed back and said, No. Not to busy to work at the bar. I lied to the owner and told him I was busy. Only took the job the first time to help pay for the family room. There were some "I" issues. I wanted to pitch in, I wanted to pull some of the financial weight we were getting in. I was good at the job and it was a familiar enviorment. I've tried to explain it before. I didn't take the job thinking it was for me and to have fun. Just wanted to do my portions and be part of the team. Even the second time it came up, I had just been layed off and was between positions with current job. From the tone of your voice telling me to get on unemployment I assumed/was sure we were still well strapped and only mentioned it as a financial option while I waited to start here and have the unemployment kick in. But now, knowing how much damage it had done and understanding the reasons, I just can't do it anymore. Tommy (bartender) called me a while back and he was pretty sick. I went to help him out but after two hours, I called Ana (bartender) to come take over for me. I couldn't be behind the bar anymore.

She emailed back and just said interesting. She told me she was going out to see her folks and signed off with a "talk soon"

Not sure what that means either.

Another thing I have done to occupy my time is signed up to take a motorcycle riding class and get my lisence. Starts next Tues.

Still feel I am hoping to much and fighting to get up off the ground but I think I am getting there.

Jak466

[Just_Me]

Hey, that sounds more like it. She seems to be taking more of an interest now that you've laid off a bit. Make sure that you are really friendly and happy when you talk to her. Just keep doing what you are doing. Hopefully she'll start working you back into her life rather than you trying to force her into yours.

[jak466]

This morning, She has offered to take me to surgery next thurs. (orthoscopic on my knee) I have agreed but will not contact her after I give her the weres and whens I have to be there.

Still can't get the heart to quit hurting knowing she has been dating someone. Feeling like a second fiddle in a solo show.

Should I compliment her in any way if all is upbeat when she takes me to the hospital?

Something like, You look great. Theres nobody better etc? I know I shouldn't go overboard on anything.

Jak466