It's been awhile since I've been on here. Not much has transpired since I last posted until this morning and I'm not sure what to do from here. Any words of wisdom from anyone out there is what I need right about now.
My ex-H called from overseas this morning (he calls to talk to his D8) and he and I were on the phone with each other for about 1 1/2 hours. Our conversation started out rough, arguing about a quote that I got for him for the replacement of his a/c unit at his house. Anyway, we both were getting frustrated. I guess it was just that he wasn't understanding what I was saying, since he says I don't explain things clearly, although I do the best that I can with what I know. So when I told him to do whatever he wanted with getting the unit replaced he snaps at me that from here on out that I or my family does not need to do anything to help him out anymore until he returns later this year. He is so hot headed sometimes and so hard headed, that it drives me nuts. Anyway, I went on to get upset and started crying (I'm just very emotional) and told him that he was so cruel and how can he so easily push away those that have been there for him when no one else has? He hates when I say that and told me that he's grateful for all that me and my family have done for him since he's been overseas, but that if it's going to cause so much grief, then we don't need to continue to help him.
Anyway, the conversation quickly turned to our marriage. I've been feeling these last couple of days that my ex probably never really did love me throughout the 10 yrs we were together. So the rest of the time that we were on the phone we talked about our marriage. He said that I didn't act like I ever wanted him. He's partially right, in that I did love him, I did want him to be my husband, but I ALWAYS pushed him away when it was time for intimacy. That was the majority of our problems throughout our years together. Why I was like that I really don't know. How I so much regret it now. But I told him that I wanted to be his wife, but just didn't know how. I did what I did with what I knew how at the time. Yes, there was infidelity a couple of times, but he was so frustrated with the fact that I never wanted to be intimate with him that he went elsewhere. He even acknowledge, after I asked him, that yes, he felt passion for the two OW, that he never felt passion for me because I never wanted him. Ouch, again!! I told him that when I finally got it 2 1/2 yrs ago after he asked for a divorce, that it was too late. He was already so far gone with the OW that nothing I did was going to change his heart. He told me that he couldn't change how he felt back then. He had it in his mind that he was getting out of this marriage and there was no going back. That he fell out of love for me a long time ago. That is what I’ve battled all of this time. How he can just say that there’s never no going back? That is what’s so hurtful. He did acknowledge that I did change and that I’ve continued to change for the better, but he said that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. Now he’s said this before and I’ve never quite understood why, but I asked him was it because he felt that he would cheat on me again or because he could never love me again. He said that he knows that he would’ve never cheated on me again, because I’ve made great changes in that department and he was happy about that, but the fact is that he could never love me again. That hurt!! It is so hard to hear that. But the kicker is, and I’ve known this deep down inside, is that although him and the OW are over with, and he wants no part of her anymore (except that they now share a son), he knows that if he ever got back with me again, that he probably would never see his son again (his son lives in another state). I can’t believe that he refuses to give it another go with me because of that b%@!*. It makes no rational sense to me. But to tell me he could never love me like a husband should is hard to hear. I know that I’ve made great strides in changing my ways and I feel good about all that I’ve accomplished. I’m a much happier person and I have a very different outlook on life now. But to base your decision not to be with me ever again on how the ex-OW will react is beyond my comprehension. How someone could influence his life, like she’s had, is something I can’t understand. And he told me today that he wished he never got involved with this OW. That he wished he knew how she really was in the first 6 months that he was w/ her and maybe he wouldn’t be in the predicament that he’s in now with having to deal with her forever because of their son. How so much that I wanted to tell him, I told you so. But I held back and just listened. He asked me if I could ever love my oldest daughter’s father again (we never married) and I told him no, hell he abused me for 4 yrs. Well, he said that’s how it is with him when it comes to me. Again, I felt the knife going in me over and over again.
I’m still not ready to give up. Is that crazy or what? Is what I’m doing useless? I still have hope and I pray all the time that his heart will change and he realizes that he could love me again and we could make a go of it again. But in reality the issue of this ex-OW is what will forever be the reason nothing will change between us.
It’s funny, because we get along great, except for the occasional arguments, but we can argue and then our whole conversation can quickly change and we can have a great conversation the rest of the time. We’ve always been able to do that with each other. And we actually can be great friends. He does say that he wished things could’ve been different, but that again, there’s no going back for him.
He’s coming home in October to visit and we’ve jokingly talked about sleeping with each other because neither one of us are involved with anyone. I so badly want to, but can my heart handle that?? He said that if I can understand that being intimate with each other is not going to change things between us, then we can have some fun together. And he also said that quite frankly he’d rather sleep with me than anyone else. What does that mean?? Do I or don’t I?
Maybe I’m just gluten for punishment here. But all of the stories that I’ve read on this message board have been very inspiring to me. If there’s been hope for others, then maybe there is hope for me. I don’t know. Maybe I just don’t want to ever let go.
