I've been divorced now for 3 months and I keep hoping that my marriage could be put back together. But how long does one hold on to the hope?
I've prayed about this so much and I believe that I've done all of the Dbusting that I can do. But, XH is madly in love (almost to the point of sick) w/ OW. Although she's moved away w/ their son, he wants more than anything to hold on to this girl (he's currently overseas, but holding on for dear life to her). They fight like crazy and most of the time it’s about me, go figure. But no matter what ugly things she says to him or the threats that she makes about keeping him from seeing their son, he continues to hope that they can make it work. She’s apparently the love of his life and the woman of her dreams and wants to be w/ no one other than her. Of course, I’ve felt a great sense of hurt, b/c I don’t believe he EVER felt like that about me during our marriage, in fact, I know he didn’t. And that’s all that I’ve wanted, for him to love me to the depths like I do. Of course, I keep hoping that now that OW moved back home (2 states away), that she’ll meet someone new and this relationship can be over once and for all.
I've taken the approach to try and remain friends with my XH. I figured that being kind to him, despite what he’s done to me, is worth the effort so that maybe he’ll one day see that I love him with all my heart. I want more than anything to put my family back together, but after 2 ½ years of trying to get him to see that he’s made a mistake, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m being foolish here. What do you guys think?
When he’s needed advice, I give it, when he’s needed me to do something b/c he can’t, since he’s overseas, I have. When he calls to talk to our D, we also talk and have great, normal conversations most of the time. Throughout the week, he IM’s me at work just to see what I’m up to, etc. Actually, we can be good friends. And I guess that’s what I hold onto. Deep down he is a good man; I’ve seen it many times throughout our 10 yrs of marriage. I hold onto the good parts of our marriage and maybe that’s what’s keeping me going. But unfortunately anytime that R talk comes into play he always focuses on the negative. And besides, the fact remains that he's so in love w/ someone else, I no longer fit his idea of a partner.
Yes, he’s done a lot of horrible things to me, but despite all of that, I care very deeply for him. He knows this, but in his mind, we will never be together again. His view is that we can never go back. I’ve explained that I don’t want to go back to what we had. Our marriage was not good. Sure there was infidelity, but I certainly also played my part in the breakup. And I have no problem acknowledging that.
Since this whole mess started, I’ve immersed myself into books, and I’ve read this BB a lot. And I feel I’ve grown tremendously throughout this whole nightmare. And I am happier for that and feel good about myself, that I get it and that I know I never want to be in a bad relationship again. I see that it is possible to be happy w/ someone and that it does take the commitment of two people. But the sense of loss that I feel, now that I get what marriage is all about, is so great. I know that I can’t go back and change what happened, but I certainly wished that I didn’t take him for granted or not respected him or not want to be intimate w/ him. I wish someone could’ve told me, “Hey, if you keep pushing your H away like you are, he’s going to find someone else”. No, it’s not my fault that he cheated, b/c he could’ve chosen not to do that, but I certainly contributed.
I’ve read many of the posts and I’ve read a lot of encouraging words from many of you who try to help others. I’m not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. Life has gone on for me, but as far as another R, I’m not interested. I want my family back.
I’m here reaching out to you guys b/c I truly have no one else to express how I feel and today has been a very emotional day for me and I feel so all alone in this fight.
So, how long is too long to hold on and am I just being foolish to hold on?
