The move was horrible. Awful. Dreadful. Oh, the humanity! I've been sapped of my creativity to think of more adjectives to describe the horror. It took three days - was probably worse moving three doors down than if I had actually moved across town. S. and I can barely speak two words without either getting into a fight or withdrawing completely. He's been under the stress of finishing up the downstairs apartment, and meanwhile ours isn't painted or finished, and all my stuff is taking up all the space. I'm working diligently to make room for his things, but I moved from two floors to one, and I just don't have the storage.
But that's not the worst of it. S. and I have been having really difficult talks about how to proceed in the face of the fights, the withdrawal, the sadness, the crying, the breakdowns, the lack of understanding and communication... and yesterday and today we came well nigh close to calling it all off. In fact, he is considering not moving up here and staying in his apartment on the ground floor.
I'm not so naive as to think that it's all us, and it doesn't have anything to do with the stress of the move, or with the stress of my work, or with the stress of his construction project, or with the emotional up and down of the pregnancy. But this goes way beyond that - it's horrible and painful for both of us - we are both struggling with each other. I've lost my ability to work on the R, and though I keep reaching out in the face of withdrawal, and he keeps reaching out in the face of unpredictable emotions and rampant crying, it's not enough.
When he got into the shower this morning, I started to cry and let out wails heretofore only heard on the Serengeti. When he turned the water off, he heard them and came running. I was inconsolable. After which he became inconsolable, because it breaks his heart to hear me cry like that. We are a collective mess.
So if I could find it, I'd give DR another read. And I'd probably call up trusty Chuck the DB coach. There has to be hope somewhere in all this. Otherwise, I'd just hurl myself over the balcony.
