Hurtling into the Future (Kicking & Screaming)

[desdamona]

Since we've had the no-contact agreement, EVERY time there's been a crisis in our R (and I mean one in which our R might end at any moment), he has chosen to break our agreement and contact her. And in all of those times, he has never mentioned that we are back together. It's been a YEAR.

I think that untruthfulness is pretty difficult to handle. Right now I am wondering if somethings are just in someone's nature. The secretiveness, that is.

I have been on all sides of the infidelity issues. I have been thinking about both your point of view and your "baby daddy's" point of view regarding Swiss Miss. Since we each can tell only our own stories and experiences, that is what I will do.

When children are unhappy, they have imaginary friends to help them. They can imagine that they were adopted and that their real parents would not ground them, spank them or otherwise mistreat them. Someday they will be rescued by the handsome prince or some other powerful, magical character.

I think as adults, we do the same things with old lovers that would of course, understand us, never get angry with us, always have perfect sex with us etc. The reality of the lover never could possibly live up to what we have made them in our minds. I wonder if when you are angry, or whatever with your baby daddy, if he just imagines, she would never treat him so badly, she would always be a Stepford wife.

I once had a lover (prononced like lovah ) I met him while I was in college about the same time I met my baby daddy. The guy was came into Zale's where I worked to buy something with a friend. He had a wonderful smile and spoke only spanish. To make a very long story a little shorter he was in love with me, and I was attracted to him but had two other serious relationships at that time. He would come to my work after I was off just to watch me walk to my car. Bring me flowers and all sorts of romantic wonderful things. We talked sometimes for hours and hours on the phone and he listened to me talk about both Ali and Laura and the problems of deciding. He was my very best friend. Well, the heir came along and I wasn't sure what to do. I left to live in Mexico for a few months and think it through. When I came back, he had married!
For many years, we talked and advised each other. When I finally decided to marry my baby daddy in the Church, he tried in vane to talk me out of it. He parked accross the street from the Church before the ceremony in case I should come to my senses and not marry the guy. I saw him there and I thought about it but didn't.

Now through both marriages, I talked to him when things were bad, I thought of him. SB would never ever treat me like that, talk to me like that etc. He was my handsome prince. When my current husband said NO contact with SB it broke my heart and I resented him for it. But it turned him into a even more perfect guy! He became this perfect lover to which no one could measure up.

Looking back, it was just childish. Magical childish thinking. I felt unloved and rejected and comforted myself with the idea the old lover loved me and needed me and sang romantic songs to me and in secret codes said hello to me on both his radio show and newspaper columns. Like a blankie or teddy bear. I needed that because I couldn't do that for myself. I still can't do it very well but I am learning.

So, finally the point. Do you think that your baby daddy just can't love himself or feel secure enough in himself yet not to have a blankie of some sort? In thinking about "the work" and your thought that he 'should' give her up completely. Maybe he can't until he finds a way to find that comfort and strength inside of himself. Isn't she a zillion miles away? Don't you think he keeps because she is so far away? Far enough away to make him feel safe when he thinks your relationship is not what he needs without crossing a boundary he has in his mind. Since he lacks that inner core strength he seems to need a plan B. He isn't honest with her about you. Seems he is afraid that if she knew him, she would leave him too.

I know this is long. I hope you can glean out of it what I meant to share. ( In my therapy we are talking about generations of people who married one person and continues to long for the one that got away)

desdamona