Good morning, everyone! Thanks to all who are chiming in over here - Koshka, KGBKK, honeypot (welcome!), Desdamona...

Koshka, thanks a million for the WOA. I don't feel quite worthy, as I often think about what I could do and then something triggers in me a nice, beginner-like setback and I forget all about the homework I've assigned myself.

Michele,
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Maybe there isn't. Maybe it's the IDEA of her which is the only thing there.

I don't buy it. Even if it's the idea of her, it's too much of an idea for me to be comfortable in a committed R with him. The things he writes to her and the things she's perfectly comfortable writing to him (and rightly so, because he allows this level of intimacy) are not the writings of two friends, one of whom is in a comitted R with someone else. And I won't tolerate such a third party in my R, because I've seen the way it escalates the moment there's trouble in our R. Since we've had the no-contact agreement, EVERY time there's been a crisis in our R (and I mean one in which our R might end at any moment), he has chosen to break our agreement and contact her. And in all of those times, he has never mentioned that we are back together. It's been a YEAR.
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Wise DB Coach Chuck. What if you just ceded all control and said, "Do what you want. It's your business"?

See above. Because I would not be able to evaluate our R with all the information - the contact would go back to being secret and outside our R.

One might ask, So why don't you just leave? Well, I have a baby on the way, and a baby's father who wants (and deserves) full involvement with Jr. Miss. I haven't figured out a way to be "separate but equal" [cringe]. And his actions and words are enough to keep me believing that he really wants this to work. What I need to do is focus on what I can do, but this issue of SM has been so long skunking up our R that I just can't (and don't want to) move forward without resolution. I feel like I have the T's full support on this one.

Anyway, off to the coal mines.

J.

shameless plug for my NEWEST thread