The e-mail was finally uncovered (but not without a bloody struggle). It was rough. Of course, I was the horrible bully who wanted to read it. The whole process was so damaging that we stayed away from each other a good 24 hours, not speaking when we did cross paths (him not speaking to me, that is). I remained very calm and patient throughout the process (with a few anti-DB statements, but at least they were said calmly!). I validated that it was stressful and thanked him for sharing it with me (after almost two hours of struggling over it).
We are slowly getting back to talking to each other normally. He has agreed to print out the e-mail and bring it to T on Thursday. I am keeping my case o' duct tape handy until then.
Otherwise, we are connecting on talking about the baby (I got up early this a.m. and when I came back into the bedroom an hour later he was reading me "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" book). I had bought some new music and was playing it for the baby (through headphones on my belly - silly but not distracting to me while I'm working), who was happily kicking along. S. perks up a lot when I tell him these things. I think he feels left out. So I'm for now keeping on doing what works.
I'm absolutely swamped with work, and so I don't have any time to really devote to a full-fledged upate, and I'm not sure anyone would want to slog through it, anyway! Here's a bulleted list for the hardy:
* Long conversation (before the e-mail incident) after which I was convinced that S. really IS committed to this R in every way he knows how. (Action point: Knowing he's a WOA man, acknowledge the ways in which he is present. It's up to me to gently show him the rest of what I want, and stop waiting for him to read my mind. Praise every little positive thing he does [until I go stark raving mad].)
* S. is not ready to give up SM as a "friend." I knew this, but it was even more apparent when I asked to read the e-mail. I'm sure he doesn't want a R with her, but he wants that feeling of security the fantasy of her gives him, that there will always be one person who understands his soul completely and loves him and never, EVER thinks anything he does is wrong/bad/inappropriate. (Action point: Work on giving him that security in our R, that I love him despite his faults. Work on being that understanding partner who hears him and accepts him for who he is.)
* He has made many repair attempts since the awful e-mail incident. (Action point: Continue to respond in kind.)
