Hurtling into the Future (Kicking & Screaming)

[Heart2Heart]

um, weren't you supposed to be working? And I got too lazy to go for a swim...

Anyhoo, you & I have discussed this 'incident' earlier, but now I see you asking if you should apologize which I can tell is like chewing glass for you at the moment.

But how about we frame this in "goal terms" and Gottman repair attempts? I understand your thoughts on his (seemingly screwed up) priorities and that you're angry at being the target of his stress release. But as they say over in Newcomers all the time: What are your goals?

Even though you are perfectly entitled to have an opinion on his priorities for getting the apartment ready, the incident added to both S.'s and your stress. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Annoying question at times, but the truth is that today's spat is a small blip in comparison to some of the other issues you are dealing with. Instead of seeing this as an apology you have to make against your will, how about you see it as a repair attempt? A short "Sorry I lost my temper earlier today. Let's not let this ruin the evening. We're both under a ton of stress. Give me some lips and let's make up" (or anything more appropriately humorous.)

The goal is to enjoy the evening and not let a few minutes of flaring tempers ruin a good night's sleep which both you and Little Sailor (my name for J's baby) need.

Just my 2 cents.
-H2H

[StubbornDyke]

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

That's what I was thinking.

As for "Little Sailor", well I only wish I had thought of that one. Great name!

[andyuk]

Hi J,
The latest developments seem to have sparked quite a dialog.
Looks like you have plenty of input and food for thought so all I can offer is...

(((((Jennifer)))))

Take care, Andy

[JinBklyn]

Well, S. came and apologized and we talked it through. We M'd and I even ventured into V'ing, and we both felt heard in the end.

Today's T was intense and difficult. It's too much to type it all out right now, so I need to cobble together some thoughts (and excerpts from e-mails to H2H ) in order to remain on the sound side of psychological well-being.

S. read the e-mail after T (which is what I expected - he was waiting until after T to deal with it). He went to work today and I will not see him until late tonight, so I don't know when the big D (as in disclosure) will happen, if at all.

The Cliff's Notes to the Cliff's Notes version of the outcome of T is that he is going to craft an e-mail to her asking her to respect our no-contact agreement and not to contact him, either, until further notice. I am to work on it with him after he drafts it. This, unbelievably, was his idea.

I think it will be brilliant, given her last e-mail, as a response to it. I'd like it to say something like

I'd like to make it clear that Jennifer and I have an agreement that there will be no additional contact with you until further notice. I want you to understand very clearly that I am focusing on my relationship with Jennifer and our family, and I'm asking you to respect the boundaries that I have chosen to erect. My goal is to heal the wounds in our relationship and rebuild the trust that I shattered by being involved in a relationship with you while in a committed relationship with her. I love her, not to mention she's a lot prettier and smarter than you. So sod off.

OK, maybe not that last part, but I feel my skills waning when I try to write something that is so sensitive to me. Any ideas? I'd like to be as articulate and focused as I can be, as well as able to insert the necessary stern tone (without seeming controlling). Of course, I'll have to work with what he writes. I'm not sure what I'll do if he comes back with some lukewarm, halfhearted garbage. But I'll cross that sewer line when I come to it.

More to come about T, which revealed all kinds of stuff (and nonsense), and which was something I think I need to sleep on before I elaborate.

Thanks, friends, and any input into the big heave-Ho is appreciated.

[StubbornDyke]

Good draft. Brevity is important. I like the first two sentences and am not sure whether it's worth it to do the further explaining in the third.

I eagerly await more details...

[MicheleTW]

I'd like to make it clear that Jennifer and I have an agreement that there will be no additional contact with you until further notice.

Could you edit it to read:

I'd like to make it clear that Jennifer and I have an agreement that there will be no additional contact with you.

I like that SO MUCH BETTER.

-- Michele

[merrick]

S. read the e-mail after T (which is what I expected - he was waiting until after T to deal with it).

Just as you predicted; S sounds like the Rafael Palmiero of the DB set. I do, however, like your draft which is fitting for a Raffy trying to resurrect his credibility and integrity. I'll keep praying for you.

[koshka]

Jennifer,

I also vote for dropping the "until further notice" bit. It's too lukewarm, wishy washy for this.

That last bit might need some twiddling, too. Is "sod off" common slang in Switzerland? It's important to be clear, after all.

Thanks,

K

[slowly]

Jennifer - NG drafted his sod-off email to ow, and then got me to review it, and we negotiated a couple of add-ons - went a looong way towards our repair. Bravo to S for sticking his neck out agreeing to a joint effort.

I concur - take off the 'until further notice'

Slowly

[JinBklyn]

Update:

The e-mail was finally uncovered (but not without a bloody struggle). It was rough. Of course, I was the horrible bully who wanted to read it. The whole process was so damaging that we stayed away from each other a good 24 hours, not speaking when we did cross paths (him not speaking to me, that is). I remained very calm and patient throughout the process (with a few anti-DB statements, but at least they were said calmly!). I validated that it was stressful and thanked him for sharing it with me (after almost two hours of struggling over it).

We are slowly getting back to talking to each other normally. He has agreed to print out the e-mail and bring it to T on Thursday. I am keeping my case o' duct tape handy until then.

Otherwise, we are connecting on talking about the baby (I got up early this a.m. and when I came back into the bedroom an hour later he was reading me "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" book). I had bought some new music and was playing it for the baby (through headphones on my belly - silly but not distracting to me while I'm working), who was happily kicking along. S. perks up a lot when I tell him these things. I think he feels left out. So I'm for now keeping on doing what works.

I'm absolutely swamped with work, and so I don't have any time to really devote to a full-fledged upate, and I'm not sure anyone would want to slog through it, anyway! Here's a bulleted list for the hardy:

* Long conversation (before the e-mail incident) after which I was convinced that S. really IS committed to this R in every way he knows how. (Action point: Knowing he's a WOA man, acknowledge the ways in which he is present. It's up to me to gently show him the rest of what I want, and stop waiting for him to read my mind. Praise every little positive thing he does [until I go stark raving mad].)

* S. is not ready to give up SM as a "friend." I knew this, but it was even more apparent when I asked to read the e-mail. I'm sure he doesn't want a R with her, but he wants that feeling of security the fantasy of her gives him, that there will always be one person who understands his soul completely and loves him and never, EVER thinks anything he does is wrong/bad/inappropriate. (Action point: Work on giving him that security in our R, that I love him despite his faults. Work on being that understanding partner who hears him and accepts him for who he is.)

* He has made many repair attempts since the awful e-mail incident. (Action point: Continue to respond in kind.)

* Can that be it? I can hardly remember it all.

OK, back to work.

J