thank you all for your help. I think the best thing is for us to stay put, however it has gone past that. H told me this week that he has made his choice. H says that he is NOT leaving me for OW (yeah sure), he is just ending things between us. Neither of us wants to sell the house yet because it really is a good investment and we don't want to disrupt our custodial son's school etc... However I can't see us continuing to live like this, we are fighting a lot more about our situation and I find myself unable to be strong and db or hide my pain after almost 2 years of this. I really think I need some time to myself to refocus. H said he doesn't know what will happen without me, that maybe he will miss me so much that he will realize he made a mistake, but bottom line is that he is not happy with me right now (of course not, since he lets OW make him happy).
He told me that he DOESN't want to move in with OW, but doesn't think we can afford for him to get an apartment. I think that I will move out temporarily for a few weeks, then we can talk again after that and see if we can make a final decision. In the meantime, I plan to GAL to the max and remove myself from this crazy rollercoaster.
Some of you asked about what he wanted changed and what goals I should set:
H wants me to be physically fit, I gained 35 pounds over the past few years. He did too, but he joined a gym and is now in great shape. I lost 30 pounds last year too, but I have gained 15 of it back during the time that H told me he would break up with OW (dec/mar 05). H thinks that I only lost the weight to get him back and then when he told me he would try to come back - I gained it back. This is partly correct, my primary LL is quality time, so instead of going to exercise, I would hang out with him, I was so happy that he was staying home that I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible (BIG MISTAKE). I explained this to him, and although he says he understands, he still feels I didn't care enough.
He has issues with my housekeeping, and the groceries I buy. (apparently his MIL complains about the food) I thought that I had improved tremendously, buying what they wanted and taking better care of the house, but I guess I didn't improve enough for him.
I realize that he is looking for reasons to leave, I also realize that because he is a pessimist and suffers from depression he tend to only focus on the negative things. I may do something 'correct' 9 times out of 10 and he will mention the 1 time that I didn't. I point this out to him but I don't think he realizes it for himself yet.
I know he loves me, but he is not happy with me and of course there is OW who is trying so hard to please him. Well if I was single and had all the time in the world to focus on myself and on my 'boyfriend', I would be wonderful too. But the reality is that I have to take care of a home, and have many responsibilities that are stressful. The 2 of them just wine and dine all the time and don't have to deal with any responsibility. I pointed this out to him too, and he agrees that they aren't living in the 'real world' and he doesnt know what will happen to them when they have to. But I think he wants to find out.
In my earlier post I listed the pro's and con's of me vs him moving out. I discussed it with him a little more and I have more details:
He said that he can stay with OW (at her apartment that she shares with her sister who doesnt like my H) on the weekends we don't have our son, and he will go over there to sleep 1 or 2 nights a week, after our son goes to bed.
I see some advantages to this situation:
- H will get very tired driving to her place and then driving to work from there in the morning (it is an hour away) - OW sister will cause tension for them - OW may be happy at first, but it won't be enough for her and she will continue to push him. - I get to stay home and will have more time to DB.
Disadvantages:
- H could get closer to OW, - H doesn't really get to see what life is like without me, I will still be taking care of the house as usual. - I won't be able to focus on myself, I will still have all the responsibity I had before (grocery, housekeeping, etc...)
Now compare the above scenario to ME moving out:
pros
I wouldn't have to deal with the day to day issues of taking care of the house (groceries, budgeting, helping with homework, making lunches, laundry etc...)
- I could spend time only on ME, improving my exercising, shopping, doing things I want to do without time constraints
- H would have to take over the responsibilities of the house (seeing how much I have to do).
- H would have to STAY HOME without me there during the week, to take care of our son and home.
- H will experience life without the benefit of me I can go semi-dark, something I can't do when we are living together at home, or if I am at home with his family.
CONS
- I would be alone alot - I wouldn't have the comforts of my home (computer, etc) - I would miss stuff at home (son, cats etc...) - I will have less time with H to DB. - OW will be happy that I am out of the house.
So I am still at a crossroads, H suggested that I use some of out vacation time (we took a week off work in august) to spend by myself and think about what I want to do.
(did I mention that we work together? we drive in to work and back home together too. We don't work in the same dept, but we usually do lunch together about 3 days a week. So even if I move out and go semi-dark, H and I can still see each other for lunch, so I will still be able to DB)
Any more suggestions, I would really appreciate it. thanks
