thanks for your words of advice, they help to keep me focused.
I am not worried re abandonment issues etc... our situation is a bit different than normal. We both make almost the exact same salary. Our son is really our nephew, we have joint custody with his biological dad (my H's younger brother). We have been raising him for the past 6 years and he goes to his biological dad's place every other weekend. My H's mother lives with us, as does his other younger brother. So I think it would make more sense for me to leave as opposed to my H, because it's mostly his family in the house. I am not worried about custody of our son because I wouldn't fight for it, I would leave him with my H, and just have visitation.
This weekend my H told me that he thinks HE is the one who should move out. I asked him why, he said because HE is the one who is 'the bad one' in our situation. I told him that if he wants to leave that's fine, but that it wouldn't be a permanent situation. I wouldn't stay and take care of the house, take care of our son and HIS family. If we do divorce, he will be the one assuming the responsibility, I will be on my own. So I asked him what was he hoping to accomplish by 'temporarily' leaving the home?
He told me that he hates hurting me when he leaves to go with her, this way I would get a break from it. He also say that he really needs to see how he feels when he doesn't have me to come home to. He said that even though he spends friday or saturday with OW, they usually just go out and get drunk, then he passes out, wakes up in the morning and then comes home to me. It's not like they have the same kind of relationship that we had.
I told him that I agree, that the 2 of them aren't really experiencing a real relationship, that they never have to stress out or make compromises about real-life decisions, they just have a good time.
He said that maybe this move will be the catalyst for him to decide to give our marriage another shot, he is not sure.
I gave the decision of moving out myself, or making him move out a lot of thought last year. I had decided back then that I should be the one to leave. But now he is suggesting that he leaves. The dilemna I have is what would be better, in terms of DBING?
Me temporarily moving out:
PRO'S
- I wouldn't have to deal with the day to day issues of taking care of the house (groceries, budgeting, helping with homework, making lunches, laundry etc...)
- I could spend time only on ME, improving my exercising, shopping, doing things I want to do without time constraints.
- H would have to take over the responsibilities of the house (seeing how much I have to do).
- H would have to STAY HOME without me there during the week, to take care of our son and home.
- I would be able to control when H gets to see/contact me.
CONS
- I would be alone alot - I wouldn't have the comforts of my home (computer, etc) - I would miss stuff at home (son, cats etc...)
H temporarily moving out:
PROS
- he will get homesick (proven in the past when he went on trips) - he will finally make a decision on what path to take (me or OW) - he will be financially tight - no money to party with OW.
- he will have to be the one initiating contact with me, and he won't be able to say that I am the one who can't 'let go'.
CONS
- he will be able to see OW during the weeknights and spend a lot more time with her (time he used to spend with me) They will get much closer.
- he will not miss me and think that he will be okay if we divorce.
- He will mistakenly believe that this is how his life will be if we divorce (not taking into account all the new responsibilities he will have)
Keep in mind I say 'temporarily' moving out, because eventually we will have to decide to stay together or divorce, if we divorce then we will sell the house and split things 50/50.
