well, I don't know if any of you remember me, I haven't posted for months. I am going from one extreme to another in my head and I don't want to screw up anymore. Here is my sitch:
M 33 H 30 together 6 years bomb dropped in jan 2004
he told me ILYBNILWY, that resentment had been building for over a year, that he met OW at work and that he was sorry but he wanted to see if he could be happy with someone else.
I suggested divorce, HE said no, that we could be separated, but still live together for our custodial sons' sake (9).
May 04 I found DB and read it, along with 5LL. Made things very clear. I figured out what his LL were. I lost weight, became more 'fun'. He noticed. I db'd my butt off and in NOV 04 he said he was going to break things off 'slowly' with OW. He went from seeing her twice a week to twice a month for dec 04, jan 04 and feb 04. But still talked to her constantly during this time and I caught him in a few lies. I think this made me beleive that he was just cake-eating and had no intention of ending things with OW. I told him that he can't expect us to 'fall in love' again while he still has OW in the picture.
During these 3 months I gained back some of the weight I lost, I just didn't make it my priority, I wanted to spend all my free time with H, since he was staying home more. BIG MISTAKE, it was a huge backslide and H began to think that I was getting too 'comfortable'. I noticed that he started going out more often with OW, things are back on track for them. I confronted him and he said that while he was with OW, I took such great care of myself, but as soon as he told me that he was ending it, I went back to my 'old' ways.
He said 'Why didn't you do the things I told you I needed you to do when I told you I would come back to you?' - he mentioned a few things that I thought I had changed about myself, but apparantly not enough. I tend not to do as he asks, but I do what I think is best. This has caused many problems for us in the past, ie he really wanted to have a baby right after we were married, I said we should wait a few years. This caused a lot of resentment inside him (which he hid from me until the bomb). We argued a lot about little things, but I didnt think anything of it. Apparantly he did. He felt that he had no control of his life and was trapped because I always did what I wanted regardless of what he wanted. (I told him that I wasn't a mind reader and that if he was really so bothered by things he should have told me...but I guess that's not good enough for him)
OW is pressuring him to divorce me, he told me that she doesn't understand that there is still something between him and me.
Last weekend he went away to 'think'. He called me about 10 times and was drunk. He said he 'missed me so much'. Nothing new, since he has done this before. However once he was sober he made a comment about feeling nostalgic about me. I got upset, I told him that I am not a childhood friend or an old piece of furniture for him to feel nostalgic about. He said that he misses the old me, not the person I am today.
Now he says I haven't changed, that it is just my personality, that we are both very strong-headed people, that even if he left OW, he doesn't think we will ever be happy together. He brought up a few recent examples of things he asked me to do and I procrastinated and it caused problems for us. I think he may be right. Maybe I can't change. He said that I shouldn't have any hope for us, and that he is tired of this situation.
Now it seems that I am worse off then I was a year ago, he is seeing OW again and now he doesn't believe that I can change or be what he needs. I don't know if I have the strength to DB again and to STICK TO IT. I am so drained. Last weekend he went away to 'think'. He called me about 10 times and was drunk. He said he 'missed me so much'. Nothing new, since he has done this before. However once he was sober he made a comment about feeling nostalgic about me. I got upset, I told him that I am not a childhood friend or an old piece of furniture for him to feel nostalgic about. He said that he misses the old me, not the person I am today.
He has mentioned many times over the past year that I should 'move out' for awhile. When I ask him why, he says he wants to see how he feels when I am not around for him to count on. That we are so intertwined that he can't fathom the idea of me not being there. He also thinks it will be good for me to get away from all the pain he causes me. I tried to leave a few times and he always stoppped me. But now he says he won't.
Keep in mind that he is still very affectionate with me, we even went away together for a few days 2 weeks ago on his suggestion - and we had a good time. It is very hard to distance myself from him emotionally, especially when we are still good friends and still ML.
I don't know what to do:
-Should I move out for awhile and let him live in the REAL world with OW while I try to GAL. (I know that you will suggest that I GAL now, but that is one of the things that caused problems between us - he felt that I didn't love him because I would do what I wanted.) This will give me a break from the constant drama and allow me to focus on myself.
-Should I stay home and start dbing again all over from scratch? Can it work a second time, or will I just be wasting another year of my life? Is it possible to get back on track again or have I blown my chance? I don't know if I have the strength for this, I may make things worse. I can't be close and intimate with him (very important LL for him) and detach myself at the same time - so I will be hurting a lot when he leaves to see OW. I know she is tired of this situation, so should I wait to see how it plays out?
- Do I stay at home, but not be his 'wife' any longer. Should I try to get 'over' him, and just try to be friends. Do I give up and just accept it is over for now, (I know there is always a possibilty for the future).
