Journaling....

Ok, so last night I thought I would approach the subject of Xmas...and when we would be going home (back to SD) and how long, etc. Well, H said, didnt we already talk abou this? And I said, NO!. He then said that his mom would be working over Xmas and that his sister and her family are going to AZ to spend xmas with his other sister and he was thinking about going there for xmas. Ok..well, NO consideration for me or spending time with MY family at Xmas. I said, You dont want to go back to see my family? To which he responded, not really, we were just in SD for 10 days. Ok, that was in JUNE!!!!I am not sure hes just being selfish and inconsiderate, or if its because my BIL will be there..the one that confronted him about his affair and told him to make a choice and to quit hurting me. H has not had to see him since we started working on our M. Anywho.....thats only HALF of the dilemna! THEN I ask him what we plan to do for New Years and he said, "im thinking of going to Tinas's wedding" (This is OW's sister) Ooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk....hmmm...I didnt know what to say, what to think so I said, "Oh". I didnt know what to say..i was so surprised..I didnt even think that would be an option!! I mean seriously..how can he even think that I would want to go to this wedding and see OW and why would he want to go and face her H and her sister and mom! (They knew about the affair) I just dont get what was going through his mind when he suggested that!!! Was he testing me? Was he being serious? Was he wanting me to stand up and say, " i dont think thats a very good idea?? What the hell was he thinking!!!!

So, I look at our life now and it is so wonderful! H is so wonderful to me, so loving and sweet. So would this wedding be a "closure" type thing, since its been over a year since affair ended? OR...does he think he might still have a chance with her? Does he still think they can be together someday and he's just using me? Is that why he won't tell me he loves me? He is afraid to, just in case she might still want him??

I HATE feeling unsafe!! I HATE being unsure of us!! I HATE questioning all that he has been doing!!! I HATE that he hasnt told me "thank you" for me not bailing on him a long time ago. I HATE that he doenst consider my feelings about this damn wedding!! I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!

Why cant he see what he has done to me!!! Never before did I have to analyze EVERYTHING in my life before the affair. Now I have to make sure I am making him happy, make sure I dont get upset, make sure I dont make him mad, make sure he feels loved all day, every day, every minute!!! What about when I'm scared and afraid and feel sad. Why can't I feel safe enough to let him know that and he will make me feel better.. WHY!!!!!!

So, the damn wedding is 3 months away...I have to think about this for 3 months!! I talked to a friend of ours today about it and told her we need to come up with a plan for something for us to do other than the wedding. Well, its their 5th year anniversary and both my H and I were in their wedding together. So, we are going to try and plan a surprise "Renewal of Vows" for her H and that way, H and I have to be there! If we go to AZ for Xmas, its only a 5 hour drive to our friends house. It would work out perfect, if only H would be willing to do it. I dont know, maybe its a crazy idea, but its worth a try...better than thinking about going to that fricken wedding!!