Today I will practice looking at situations and learning the difference between taking action and letting go.
Many times I need to take care of things that seem difficult or overwhelming, and I have to push myself to get them done because I know they are necessary or good for me. This is called taking action. There are other times when I want things to get done a certain way or in a certain amount of time. These things may not be within my control, and I may feel frustrated that I can't change them when or how I want to. This is when it's important to learn the art of letting go, which is usually harder than taking action.
I will practice taking action when I need to and letting go of the things I have no control over.
If you could just be happy, right? But how do you get there? The path from a troubled marriage to personal happiness is not so simple, is it?
I was doing a phone session just the other day when Jack said to me, "I've got to get out of this marriage. I've got to find happiness for ME."
In fact, it's quite common for people in an unhappy marriage to think that happiness is just on the other side of divorce. Somehow it became their spouse's fault that they're unhappy. It's ironic. When we're single, we'll be happy when we meet someone. Once we're married, we think we'll be happy when we're single.
But you know deep down, that you can't be happy alone. Your life is meant to be part of another life.
If you focus on YOUR happiness; happiness will elude you. But if you focus on your marriage, you'll find happiness for YOURSELF. In other words, being happy is NOT the result of YOU trying to be happy. It's the CONSEQUENCE of you creating a successful marriage with your spouse.
Pursuing happiness is like a boomerang; if it comes back to YOU, then you've missed the target.
It's like good sex. Research shows that the more you focus on having good sex, the more good sex eludes you. The key to good sex is good physical conditioning and a deep EMOTIONAL connection. In other words, good sex is not something you pursue; it's something that ensues.
It's the same with your happiness. It's not something you pursue; it's something that ensues from efforts that transcend yourself.
The hardest time to focus on your marriage is when you're frustrated with your spouse. I know that. I know you'd rather turn inward. But if you do, you'll narrow your existence. You'll close yourself in. You'll shield your pain (to some extent), but you'll also turn your back on your only hope.
You've got to turn and face the darkness in your life. And I don't mean face it for a couple of weeks and then give up because "it didn't work." The key to most marital circumstances is ENDURANCE. If took you years to get yourself into this mess, it's going to take more than a couple of weeks to get yourself out of it.
Ok, found one more in my email from earlier this week..this one is really good!! But its really long too!!
Have you thought about giving your spouse an ULTIMATUM? Something like, "If you don’t stop XYZ, this marriage is over."
Is your spouse having an AFFAIR, hooked on PORN, addicted to DRUGS or ALCOHOL, a WORKAHOLIC, too emotionally close to an OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND, or OBSESSIVE about a hobby or activity?
How do you get your spouse to STOP behavior that’s destroying your marriage?
An ultimatum is an interesting idea. I bet a friend or family member even suggested it. I’m sure it’s crossed your mind. Maybe it was even advised by your counselor. But will it work?
If you want to restore your marriage, do NOT give your spouse an ultimatum. It will NOT work. Let me explain why. And let me explain how YOU CAN get your spouse to end their affair or stop their addictive or obsessive behavior.
In a sense, it’s empowering to think, and even say to your spouse, "Your behavior is unacceptable. And if it doesn’t stop, I’m leaving you." An ultimatum offers the ultimate role reversal. It puts you, the victim, in control. Understandably, that’s appealing. And there’s no doubt that in the SHORT RUN, you’ll FEEL better. But it also FEELS good to eat dessert after every meal. Just because something FEELS good does NOT mean it is good. The question you have to ask yourself is: Will the LONG TERM effect be good? Will an ultimatum give me the result I want? Will it lead to the renewal of my marriage?
The answer is NO.
Now I know what you’re thinking..."Mort, what about TOUGH LOVE? Don’t I have to set borders and boundaries?"
If you give your spouse an ultimatum, you’ll establish clear RULES for your marriage. You’ll set borders and boundaries. But, where will the MOTIVATION come from for your spouse to live by the rules? In other words, the rules will be clear, but why would your spouse WANT to adhere to them?
You see, if your spouse is a sex addict, a workaholic, an alcoholic, having an affair, into porn, or involved in any other type of obsessive or destructive behavior, the problem is NOT a lack of rules; it’s a lack of MOTIVATION to live by the rules.
Your spouse knows their behavior is wrong. Even if they won’t admit it, even if they justify it, deep down they know that their behavior is immoral and that it’s destroying your marriage and soiling their soul. The problem is that they don’t care. The problem is that they lack an internal MOTIVATION to do the right thing.
Your spouse has to WANT to stop. The key is their inner motivation. . . their WILL. An ultimatum imposes rules from the outside; it does nothing to address the lack of motivation on the inside.
Bottom line: although giving an ultimatum feels good, it misses your target.
Your target is your spouse’s inner motivation. And how do you affect someone’s inner motivation? The secret is to CONNECT with them. Let me explain.
Life begins as a connected experience in the womb of our mother. When we’re born and that physical connection is severed, we yearn to connect again. How we go about creating that connection and how well we succeed becomes the story of our life.
People who make healthy and meaningful connections with other people feel happy and fulfilled. (Research proves that the single most important factor that determines happiness in life is CONNECTEDNESS.) People who lack a real emotional connection with others will grasp at anything in an attempt to fill that void in their life. That’s what leads people to sex, drugs, alcohol, hours of mindless TV, falling in love over and over again with new people, or an obsessive commitment to money, success, work, or a hobby. These trappings offer a MOMENTARY filling. But the cause of the emptiness your spouse seeks to fill is a lack of a meaningful CONNECTION in their life.
When you create that connection with your spouse, you accomplish two profound things.
First, you eliminate your spouse’s desire for their destructive behavior. You take the wind right out of its sail. You cut it off at its source. They don’t need it anymore. There’s no more hole to fill. YOU filled it!
Second, you offer your spouse a permanent filling for a hole that’s been insatiable probably since their childhood. (Your spouse’s destructive behaviors can probably be traced back to a disconnected relationship they had with their mother or father). And their DESIRE for your connection, a REAL and LASTING filling of that hole, will trump any momentary interest in seductive pleasures.
So how do you get your spouse to stop their destructive behavior? You create a connection with them.
Now here’s the kicker.
The chances are very good that YOU have no clue how to deeply CONNECT with your spouse.
You see, disconnected people tend to marry disconnected people. In other words, you picked your spouse BECAUSE they’re disconnected, and that was safe and familiar for you. (Your spouse is probably like your mother or father.) You didn’t have to make a real connection to your spouse and that’s why you fell in love with them. Your spouse didn’t need what you couldn’t offer. Do you see how that worked? It’s totally dysfunctional, but it’s true.
Now don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying that your spouse’s inappropriate behavior is your fault. But it is your RESPONSIBILITY. Meaning, that you can choose (if you want) to do something about it. You can impact your spouse’s choices. But you’ll need to learn to forge a real connection with your spouse, and you’ll need to learn to do that WITHOUT your spouse’s cooperation.
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