I'd like to share with you one of the building blocks for renewing your marriage.
Everyone has a reputation. We don't get to pick, but everyone is known for something.
It seems that I'm known for helping people repair broken marriages. And in particular, you could say that my specialty is helping people "win back" their spouse who claims to have fallen out of love.
If that's your situation, you'll want to listen carefully. And even if it's not, you can learn a lot about how to reconcile your marriage from what I'm about to share.
When a person learns that their husband or wife doesn't love them anymore, they go crazy trying to find a fix for their problem. The same is true for couples trying to resolve differences before it's too late.
Many people go online and search for THE answer. (That's probably how you found me.) But finding a solution to your marriage problems is not like finding a solution to your home equity problem. You can't just click, buy, and get instant gratification.
Today people are into quick fixes. But you can't "microwave" a relationship. Relationships work according to the law of the harvest.
You know how a harvest works, don't you? In the spring time you have to plant. Then you have to water, fertilize, and irrigate all summer long. There's something else you have to do too--wait! You have to be patient. And then, after you complete every step of the process, you can harvest the crop.
We're not used to revering a process. Most people look for short-cuts. Today everything is about efficiency. Efficiency works with machines, business, and finances. But efficiency does NOT work with relationships.
Renewing a marriage takes TIME. There are no short-cuts! You have to respect the process and be willing to take every step. (And you have to know what the steps are.)
Can you imagine goofing-off all spring and summer and then trying to harvest a crop in the fall? It's impossible!
Relationships, like crops, are governed by the natural laws of the universe. There are no short-cuts. If you skip a step, you'll short circuit the process and slow yourself down. But if you take your time and go step-by-step--that's the fastest way.
A while ago I had a series of marriage coaching sessions with a man desperately trying to "win back" his wife. He told me about an e-book he downloaded which recommended that he date other women in order to make his wife jealous. He said the author explained that this would bring his wife back to him.
"Ya," I said. "And then what?"
"What do you mean?" he said.
"Your wife left you because she wasn't happy with YOU," I explained. "If YOU don't change, then she'll leave again. If your relationship doesn't change, then you will have accomplished nothing LONG-TERM."
Think about it. What kind of man would date a woman to make his wife jealous? The woman he's dating is looking for emotional intimacy and probably to get married. But he's using her. That's not nice! In fact, that's exactly the kind of man that a woman would leave and NEVER come back to.
Now you might be thinking, "Ya Mort, but how would his wife ever know that he was using this woman?"
Here's the answer. Listen carefully.
His wife would know because if he did it, then that's who he is. His wife may not know the details of what he's doing. But she knows him. And if he did such a thing, then that's him, and everyone knows it.
William George Jordan said, "Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil...the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be."
There IS an energy that emanates from all of us. You can't fake it. It's a function of who you really are. And who you really are is determined by how you live.
The only way YOU can change your marriage is to change yourself. You've got to become the man or woman that anyone would want to be married to. You have to learn what a man/woman wants in a marriage AND how to implement relationship habits so that you can offer it CONSISTENTLY.
Are you thinking, "It's not me that needs to change; it's my spouse."
Its easy to confess your spouse's sins. And you're probably correct about what you're spouse needs to change. But it does no good to be right. And it's a complete waste of time and energy to focus on your spouse's problems. There's nothing you can do about it. The only relevant question is: What's YOUR fixing?
You had a role in the deterioration of your marriage. I have NEVER seen a marital situation that is caused by one spouse. There's always dual responsibility. What can YOU do to improve the situation?
Reflect on your past relationships. Do you see a pattern? Look at your parent's marriage. Are you recreating the model you saw when you were a child? Have you explored the childhood roots of your relationship habits and how they contributed to your marital circumstances?
Even if your spouse had an affair, you're partly responsible. That doesn't mean that it's your fault and it doesn't excuse your spouse's inappropriate behavior, but the question still remains: What was your spouse seeking outside your marriage that was not available within it?
Business people selling e-books (or other such product and services) might be able to take advantage of desperate men and woman searching for a fast solution to their problems. But these quick-fix techniques NEVER work. In fact, they make matters worse! Why? Because you only get one chance at a second chance. Did you hear that, You only get one chance at a second chance. Don't blow your chance on a quick-fix technique. Begin now the REAL process of renewing your marriage and start to put into place the building blocks for a healthy LASTING marriage.
Hopeful..thats what I thought about 5 months ago and had the Growtrac ones sent to H..BIG mistake....maybe now he might be more open to it, but back then NO WAY!! Oh well,it was something I learned from...
Wow, that last one was great. Think about it. My H is still involved with OW, yet he says he wants to get back together with me. If he really wanted that then he would actually DO it instead of saying it.
It's his character. Plain and simple. I probably always knew it, but thought it would change or it didn't effect me if he was nasty to other people. I've been in a really deep discussion with myself about character and choosing substance over flash "next time". If there ever is a next time. I want to take my time. Poor guy will probably feel like he's under a microscope. How does he treat dogs, children, old people...
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Who are the people we really like and like to be with? Most of the time, they are happy people, people who like themselves and others.
Being happy is almost the entire secret of being likeable. Though no person can expect to be liked by everybody, the likeable people have the inside track most of the time.
How do we become happy and thus likeable? We're continuously told that happiness cannot be found in property, power, and prestige. It is rooted instead in self-acceptance, in feeling loved and wanted, and in giving genuine service, maybe just in the form of very useful work.
Twelve Step programs are structured to make us happy if we persevere long enough in working the individual steps. While it may seem contradictory, even people with heavy burdens and personal sorrows can find underlying happiness in the program. A great deal of this also hinges on our belief in a Higher Power and a confidence that we have a place in the universal system.
I can be happy today in spite of things that others would consider burdensome and depressing. Happiness really comes from God, and it also serves to attract friends into my life.
Hey Aynesr...yea, things are good...just been taking a break from the boards for a while..sometimes I get so caught up in them and get so far behind in the rest of my life!!
Journaling....
Today is our 3 year anniversary. Earlier this week, I said something to H about us going out to eat on Wed and he said, why...I didnt say anything for while and think he figured it out, but then I just smiled at him and said, its the 28th!
The next day, he said, "so, do you not want me to go play poker on wed nite?" to which I said, "you know, I had a whole bunch of stuff planned for wed nite, but then remembered you play poker that nite, so that is why I suggested we just go out to eat. So, its up to you...I really dont mind, as long as we get to go out to eat together." (Good job ME!!) So then again tonite, he asked if I wanted him to go play poker and I said, "whatever you want, I wont be mad if you go." And honestly, I wasnt!! Now, the OLD me would have flipped out, thrown a huge fit and gotten my way..had him stay home. But thats not me anymore. I mean, honestly, look at where we were last year at this time....wooooeeeeee!! WE have come so far!! All I needed this anniversary was to have my H here, and wanting to work on this marriage with me, and I got that. I gave him a really nice card and ordered a couple sports things for him that arent here yet. He did get me a card too, nothing too fancy or full of feelings, but its the thought that counts, right???!!!
Things are slowly getting better with us. Like my subject line...its so hard to be patient, but the more I am patient, the more I am getting. I am asking for more hugs and kisses, but not too much. H is doing much better at giving them to me when I ask. He is doing little things for me to show me that he loves me w/ out saying the words. I guess thats better than him just saying he loves me and doing nothing else to show me, right?? I think the ILY will come in time....I still have not said it to H other than the night he was REALLY drunk and I am not even sure he remembers.
Right now I feel good, I feel we are making progress..slow, but moving forward. Its like we started a new R over and its better to move that slow than fast, right? Its nice getting to know my H...things I never knew or even thought to ask him..its so weird, yet so fun!
So yea, things are good. I am hoping they are good, only to get better, but good for now! And as long as H keeps making an effort, I CAN be patient!!!
