Tonite, thought I would do something different when H left to play poker. He said he was leaving and I said, come here a minute and he said why? I said, please, just come here...to which I wanted to plant a big ol' kiss on his lips, but of course he turned his head!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! Why does he do that!!
I guess I should have said something, but I didnt. I guess he will never know how much it bothers me if I dont speak up, right???
Mellanie, is it safe to say that you may never again trust your H because of his infidelity? I never betrayed my W, never touch OW, but does it count?
I think it's safe to say that. I may never trust H again, but it's not just the infidelity. It's the continued pattern of lies and deceit. One time, a one night stand, that maybe could be forgiven as a mistake. But, in my case, it has continued and is still going on more than 2 years later. He has told me countless numbers of times that it was over. I don't think he ever even tried to break it off with her.
He says that I have not owned my part in this mess. I have, to the point that at one time, I was taking all of it on myself. Then I realized that I did not force him to sleep with her, to lie to me, to lie to his employer, etc.
He made choices along the way and those choices destroyed the trust and emotional connection we had. We had a pretty good life. That life is gone.
Does it count that you never slept with another woman? To me it would. If H had been able to stop at an emotional involvement, I think we could have gotten over that, if I knew, without a doubt, that it was over. I told H tonight that 6 months without a hint of another woman might make an impression on me. I don't think he could do it. I don't know if he needs a woman that badly that he can't live without for that long or what, but I don't think it's too much to ask.
In my opinion, H needs to make some major changes in his life before I would be willing to let him into my life again, before I could feel safe enough to say some of the things that 2Much has been able to say to her H. I know that this is a change that I would have to make, because I will not go back to the walking on eggshells that I did around H. I would have to be able to call him on some of the insensitive and critical things he's said to me. I don't want to take that from anyone ever again.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I was skimming thru your thread and I can totally understand what you are going thru. In the past probably 6 months I have had a lot of those same feelings. My LL is also PT and that is something that I feel we are seriously lacking...since he's not an overly affectionate guy he obviously doesn't feel the same. Sometimes I really struggle. He always makes a point to give D7 and D3 a kiss goodbye when he leaves for work but there have been days when he will walk right past me and not even say goodbye. I am going to keep reading your thread to see if you find a solution that might help me! Good luck!
WOW unsure...sounds like my mornings...we dont even have kids, but first thing in morning, H will get up and go give kids hug and kisses and also before he leaves to go to work...why???
Is it because he knows that they expect nothing in return? OR that they wont pressure him for more?? I just dont understand it. Its pretty sad though when I get jealous because a H will give 2 yr old hug, but not me...
I was thinking last nite of trying to do some 180's to see if I can get any reaction that way. Maybe if I hold off from offereing hugs or kisses when H leaves, he will intitiate one? yea, right!!! Ha!!! I just dont know...I guess the only way would be to tell him...could I say, "H, I would really appreciate you initiating a hug or a kiss sometime during the day" Is there anything wrong with that? Its letting him know what I appreciate and that really has worked on other things, (of course non of it affection wise).
H slept in extra bedroom last night. Its ok...it doesnt bother me so much anymore. I know its not because of me or us or OW. He has been doing it at least once a week when he goes to play poker and gets home late. Its hard for him to "wind down". He does it FOR me, so I guess thats how I have to look at it. H has to watch TV to sleep and he doenst like to keep me up when he knows that I need to get up early. So I guess I take it as a loving gesture. It doesnt so much remind me of him and OW so much anymore.
2much *huge hugs* I feel you girl. It's hard when the one thing you really want just isn't happening. Especially when it's the one thing that would help make you feel so much better. I have so many questions of why about it. And no answers. I guess we just have to be thankful for what they do give us and keep working towards getting what we really want.
But honestly, if you feel you two are at a good enough place is there anything wrong with saying "H, I notice that you do X, Y, and Z for me but you seem very withdrawn from doing A, B, C with me. Is there a reason? A, B, and C are very important to me because of D, E, F." Maybe he doesn't feel it's important and doesn't realize you do?
Well, I thought last night would be good night. It started out good! H and I went out to eat. I told him that when we got home, I would cut his hair, run him a bath and then give him a back rub. He has been putting up a fence in the backyard the past few days and hes really sore. Well, the eating went well, then we came home and we were both really tired. He said he didnt want a bath...I said ok...then he went into computer room. Later I asked him to come watch TV with me and he did. For about 15 min, then he got phone call and was on the phone for 30 min. I just wanted it to be our "quality time" night. I wanted to "fool around" to, but he didnt seem like he wanted to do that either. He went back into the computer room and later I went in and said, "are you ready?" and he said, "i just want to finish watching this game"...do you see where I am headed here?? Again, I am becoming a backseat to his sports, friends, etc!!! So by this time I had decided, forget it. I got read for bed and then sat on the couch. He then came in (20-25 min later) and said, "what?" I then calmly said, I just wanted to sit and watch Tv with you tonite and then I thought it would be nice of me to rub your sore back" Im sure he could sense my anger and disappointment, to which of course he just walked away. I have learned thru DB to not let it affect me, so I just got up, brought up some stuff I saw on TV during the day and got into bed. H came to bed and of course I started to rub him arm (its like our nightly ritual and I honestly love doing it, because I know he loves it) I put his hand on my leg and said, "you can rub my leg, I really like when you do that." He did for like 10 sec and was done. WHATEVER!!!! I rub his arm for over an hour sometimes!!! Anyways...so then, we both turn in towards each other on our pillows when we go to sleep..so I thought..Im just gonna say something...so I said, "I would really appreciate if you would give me a kiss goodnight!" WEll, I got NOTHING!!! NOTHING!! NOTHING!!! I wanted to scream, yell, cry!!!! WHY!!!! A couple minutes later I said, "I guess that means no, huh?" And I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep. This morning when H left for work, he said, well I am going...and of course walked towards the door. I said, "goodbye"..and I heard him hesitate a little by the door..cuz usually I go and give him hug or kiss....
Wow...deja vu ...i seem to say the same thing all the time....!!!!
Ok, so for the past couple months, I was content, I guess. I was going on with our lives, we were doing so well. I finally feel "safe". So why now is all this bothering me? I guess because there comes a time when you just cant give anymore without getting anything in return, right?? I am so at a loss...I thought asking for things would help me to get them, but obviously not. I just dont know what to do anymore!!
I guess after that post and since I am feeling so down today, I should try to post some positives to try and help me through the day....
1. H does turn his phone down so that it doesnt ring when we go out to eat and he wont answer it unless its important (thats one thing I asked of him a long time ago) 2. H has been very helpful at cleaning up the kitchen for me after we eat supper, because I have been saying how I feel like all I do all day is clean the kitchen! 3. H has been bringing up subjects and starting conversatins with me a lot more lately!
*huge hugs* I have no advice for you today, but I know how you feel. And yes, you can only give so much without getting it back. But that's also where you can change how you see things. No, you're not getting what you want, but he is giving. I'm guessing PT is your main LL. Mine too. And it sucks that it's the one thing we can't get. But look at the other ways he shows he cares. It doesn't make that need go away but it does help to show us that they care. (yes, I'm saying this to you for my own good too!) Hang in there my friend.
What happens when, instead of asking for a kiss, you just give one? Does he always turn away? And what happens when you just grab the goodies? Does he really say no to that too? I can't figure this guy out. There you are, ready, willing and able and he's turning you down.
You are cute and funny and nice....I think you need to just quit asking, quit persuing for a bit. Just back off with the words and just try actions instead. Get in bed and give him a kiss and roll over. No arm rubbing. No leg rubbing.
Instead of offering to give him a bath, take your glass of wine and some candles and go take a bath yourself, then just waft by him in your nightie and some great smelling scent, blow him a kiss and wander away. Maybe some nice music in the bathroom and leave the door open so all of that steamy fragrence and mood music waft around the house.
OK, well, you know it's been about a year for me, so I may be over the top, but I think it would be good for you even if he doesn't show up. Try something new and see what happens. Stop talking and just start wafting around the house all sexy and calm and content and let him wonder what the heck you're up to.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Did your spouse tell you, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you?"
What does that statement mean?
A person who says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you," is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!
When a person says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you," they're saying that I CARE about you but I'm not EXCITED about you.
CARING about someone is a good thing. It's reflective of CONCERN. But it's different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don't love them.
Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it's different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn't mean I love them.
While someone who says, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" seems to be making a distinction between "different loves;" in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that's why they're having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It's not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it's an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person.
And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable--you can "make" love.
This is exactly why I created the Marriage Fitness program. I wanted to offer people a step-by-step system to make and maintain love in their marriage. And the program works for any marriage, even if only one spouse does it. Very often in my private coaching sessions, someone will say to me, "I love my spouse, but I'm not IN LOVE with my spouse."
My immediate response is to ask, "Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you've DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?"
I usually hear noise on the other end of the phone; grunts, partial statements, and gasps for breath, but none of what I hear ever passes for an answer to my question.
"I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I'm exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they're IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you."
Of course, this is all fine and good, but it's really your spouse who needs to hear this, right?
I have learned thru DB to not let it affect me, so I just got up, brought up some stuff I saw on TV during the day and got into bed. H came to bed and of course I started to rub him arm (its like our nightly ritual and I honestly love doing it, because I know he loves it) I put his hand on my leg and said, "you can rub my leg, I really like when you do that." He did for like 10 sec and was done. WHATEVER!!!! I rub his arm for over an hour sometimes!!! 