Journaling:

Well, I thought last night would be good night. It started out good! H and I went out to eat. I told him that when we got home, I would cut his hair, run him a bath and then give him a back rub. He has been putting up a fence in the backyard the past few days and hes really sore. Well, the eating went well, then we came home and we were both really tired. He said he didnt want a bath...I said ok...then he went into computer room. Later I asked him to come watch TV with me and he did. For about 15 min, then he got phone call and was on the phone for 30 min. I just wanted it to be our "quality time" night. I wanted to "fool around" to, but he didnt seem like he wanted to do that either. He went back into the computer room and later I went in and said, "are you ready?" and he said, "i just want to finish watching this game"...do you see where I am headed here?? Again, I am becoming a backseat to his sports, friends, etc!!! So by this time I had decided, forget it. I got read for bed and then sat on the couch. He then came in (20-25 min later) and said, "what?" I then calmly said, I just wanted to sit and watch Tv with you tonite and then I thought it would be nice of me to rub your sore back" Im sure he could sense my anger and disappointment, to which of course he just walked away. I have learned thru DB to not let it affect me, so I just got up, brought up some stuff I saw on TV during the day and got into bed. H came to bed and of course I started to rub him arm (its like our nightly ritual and I honestly love doing it, because I know he loves it) I put his hand on my leg and said, "you can rub my leg, I really like when you do that." He did for like 10 sec and was done. WHATEVER!!!! I rub his arm for over an hour sometimes!!! Anyways...so then, we both turn in towards each other on our pillows when we go to sleep..so I thought..Im just gonna say something...so I said, "I would really appreciate if you would give me a kiss goodnight!" WEll, I got NOTHING!!! NOTHING!! NOTHING!!! I wanted to scream, yell, cry!!!! WHY!!!! A couple minutes later I said, "I guess that means no, huh?" And I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep.
This morning when H left for work, he said, well I am going...and of course walked towards the door. I said, "goodbye"..and I heard him hesitate a little by the door..cuz usually I go and give him hug or kiss....

Wow...deja vu ...i seem to say the same thing all the time....!!!!

Ok, so for the past couple months, I was content, I guess. I was going on with our lives, we were doing so well. I finally feel "safe". So why now is all this bothering me? I guess because there comes a time when you just cant give anymore without getting anything in return, right?? I am so at a loss...I thought asking for things would help me to get them, but obviously not. I just dont know what to do anymore!!

If anyone has any suggestions, please help!