2much - I completely agree with this. I try my best to always figure out what it is that I should be learning when things happen in my life. Just like with my first XH, he gave me my daughter and also taught me what a H shouldn't be like. It's served me well.
I am finally starting to feel safe in my M. Thats a good thing, right? It doesnt necessarily mean that its EASY or things are exactly how I want them, but I feel safe. I am feeling a lot more comfortable talking to H about things and bringing up things that I need to talk about. We are enjoying each others company and he seems to be trying to do things for me that I appreciate.
BUT...of course there's always a but! I sometimes am afraid that someday, I might be the WAS. Just a couple months ago, I so wanted H to hug and kiss me, wanted him to show me some affection! Well, he is not initiating any type of affection unless I ask. Thats ok, I guess..its something. But the thing is....I am feeling like I dont have that need for it as much. Dont get me wrong..I would LOVE for H to initate a hug or kiss or hand holding or SOMETHING, but I feel content right now. Is that a good thing or a bad thing??? Maybe its a good thing, because it means that I dont need those things to be reassured that H loves me and cares for me. But maybe its a bad thing, because I am just settling for not getting those things... I just dont know....
I am thinking of talking to H about having kids again. But am unsure about how to go about it. Like I said, I feel more comfortable now bringing up subjects, but I am unsure about the best way to approach it. Waaaay back when we talked about having kids (way before the EA) my H thing was that he was afraid of how I would be if something happened....like I lost the baby during pregnancy or something along those lines. But that was back when I was a different person. I have done a lot of soul searching and have come a lot closer to God and I now know I could handle something like that a lot better than I would have before. I also want to mention to him that the longer we wait, the harder it will be for me to get pregnant and also that there is more of a chance of birth defects the older I get. Maybe that will help him see my sense of timing and why I want to try now....any suggestions???
The smallest seed of faith is better than the largest fruit of happiness. --Henry David Thoreau
Life crises seem terrifying and endless when they are happening. As we reflect on these stressful periods, we begin to realize that they provide a chance for change and growth. We get a feeling of hope when we think back to past problems that seemed like mountains of despair at the time. Today, many of our mountains of fear are behind us. We have been able to climb these mountains in our lives even though we may have had to take different paths than we had planned.
Now we know that, with faith, we can meet every challenge --that we are given no obstacle we can't turn into an opportunity.
Today let me be willing to let my Higher Power lead me in an orderly direction
2much, could you expand this thought? My W doesn't feel emotionally close to me. She used this term 'safe' as well. Well, she used term 'not emotionally safe'. She later wthdrew this term, but I cannot forget it. Could you explain what makes you safe in your M? I assume you are talking about emotional safety. Thank you so much.
nice thought. Hope is powerful. Happen to turn to Joel Osteen last sunday - sermon was on being a prisoner of hope - expecting great things - and God, when we trust and put our faith in Him, wanting to give us all we hope for and more. http://www.joelosteen.com/site/PageServer?pagename=OnlineStreaming
I'm not sure how 2Much means it, but I'd say that my emotional safety depends on whether or not my emotions are safe with someone. Is it safe for me to share my emotions with them. Good, bad. And is it safe for me to be vulnerable to this person? Will they use my vulnerabilities against me? Abuse my trust again. I've told H that I could trust him with my life, but not with my heart. I may never let myself be vulnerable to him ever again.
Ang, What do you think?
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Yes, Mel...that is exactly what I meant. I do feel emotionally safe now. I am not so afraid to approach H about certain things. I do trust that he will not intentionally hurt me, and if he does, I feel better about letting him know that he has hurt me.
For example...the other day, I was having a really tough time with one of the daycare kids. I told H, I was going to have a breakdown, to where he replied, "well then, maybe you should not be taking care of kids"..WOW!!! Hurt my feelings a lot...so, I cried and cried...then when I felt strong enough, went to H and said, "when I told you I was having a hard time, all I wanted to hear was, "I can understand, (child) is a very difficult child". But instead you told me that I should not be taking care of children and that really hurt my feelings." H got a little defensive, but then backed off. Even if he still did not comfort me, I was able to share how I felt and in turn felt better.
Thanks, 2much. And Mellanie. It does help. I think I understand what emotional safety, or lack of it means.
I do not think that I ever used W vulnerabilities against her. I never shared what she told me with anyone else, I do not think I abused her trust. But it really doesn't matter what I think on this matter, does it? 2much, how long did it take you to regain this emotional trust? Was it only you and your efforts to recover this trust? Or your H has done something specific to help you to trust him again? From your example it seems that he has not changed, has he?
Mellanie, is it safe to say that you may never again trust your H because of his infidelity? I never betrayed my W, never touch OW, but does it count?
This is the biggest problem in my R. W says that there are stuff she doesn’t tell me, and there are emotional places she doesn’t take me with her. It is devastating for me to know that she feels so.
I so much appreciate your thoughts. 2much, sorry for talking about myself on your thread. Thanks.
I just dont know....
nice thought. Hope is powerful.