Journaling:

I am finally starting to feel safe in my M. Thats a good thing, right? It doesnt necessarily mean that its EASY or things are exactly how I want them, but I feel safe. I am feeling a lot more comfortable talking to H about things and bringing up things that I need to talk about. We are enjoying each others company and he seems to be trying to do things for me that I appreciate.

BUT...of course there's always a but! I sometimes am afraid that someday, I might be the WAS. Just a couple months ago, I so wanted H to hug and kiss me, wanted him to show me some affection! Well, he is not initiating any type of affection unless I ask. Thats ok, I guess..its something. But the thing is....I am feeling like I dont have that need for it as much. Dont get me wrong..I would LOVE for H to initate a hug or kiss or hand holding or SOMETHING, but I feel content right now. Is that a good thing or a bad thing??? Maybe its a good thing, because it means that I dont need those things to be reassured that H loves me and cares for me. But maybe its a bad thing, because I am just settling for not getting those things... I just dont know....


I am thinking of talking to H about having kids again. But am unsure about how to go about it. Like I said, I feel more comfortable now bringing up subjects, but I am unsure about the best way to approach it. Waaaay back when we talked about having kids (way before the EA) my H thing was that he was afraid of how I would be if something happened....like I lost the baby during pregnancy or something along those lines. But that was back when I was a different person. I have done a lot of soul searching and have come a lot closer to God and I now know I could handle something like that a lot better than I would have before. I also want to mention to him that the longer we wait, the harder it will be for me to get pregnant and also that there is more of a chance of birth defects the older I get. Maybe that will help him see my sense of timing and why I want to try now....any suggestions???