Just once...JUST ONCE!! I wish H would come to me b4 walking out the door and offer a hug or a kiss. Today, he Im in kitchen and he walks by and says, I have to get going and walks out the door. ONCE EXTRA SECOND is all it would take for a small kiss or hug!! I didnt even say good-bye..I was to frustrated with him. I sent him an ecard this morning, just saying I wanted to be first to say good morning to him and that I loved him. He read it when he woke up. But nothing about thanks for it or anything. Maybe Im expectin too much..who knows.
But its when I am feeling anxious or insecure in our M that I start to want to much. Why, you might ask am I feelin anxious? Well, H invited OW's sister and fiance to our party this weekend. Now to the already added stress, I have to deal with OW sister being here?? It just makes me want more reassurance from H that we are ok. And him walking out door w/ out a hug or kiss is not helping!
Ok, Im just being stupid here....blah, blah, blah.....
On a lighter note....yesterday afternoon, I had only one family left, little boy 2 and his sister 6 months. I went in to wake up sister and brother came in too. Well, we ended up laying on extra bed in there and H came in and layed down with us...it was kind of nice...I wanted to say something like, "see, we could do this" ...but I was afraid to...I should have just to see what his reaction would be. I wonder if he was thinkig the same thing?? He treats that little boy, like he was "ours" he thinks he is the best thing in the world! That is why I think he would make such a great father!! If only he would give himself the chance!!
I know how frustrating it is to want them to show even just the smallest bit of affection and getting none. Especailly when we do extra special things for them. But you're right. You have to expect nothing from him right now. XH is just starting to do this again. Sometimes I have to do it first.
What do you normally do when it's time to say good-bye? How can you do a 180 that would surprise him?
As for being nervous and worried about the party, don't be. You sound like me yesterday, worrying about things we can't control. Just keep looking at all the positive things he is doing and act "as if" and remember we can either be happy or unhappy. It really is up to us.
Possibly he's getting a neg vibe from you. I know its so difficult not to show how we feel. Read over your posts from last week. You were getting affection from him. Or read over posts from even 8 months ago and see how far you guys have come. Or maybe he was just thinking about other things this morning. I said ilu this morning before my H left and he didn't say it back. At first I was a little worried - but then I remembered he told me about a case he was worried about last night - and what he needed to do today. Life certainly gets in the way of our efforts sometimes... But thats something that will never go away.
Well....the party last nite turned out pretty well. H was little upset about some of our so called "good friends" not showing up. He did good job of "mingling" with our friends. Last year, he pretty much hung out with the single friends and didnt talkto anyone else, so I was glad to see that. OW's siser is so nice to me...cant hardly believe they are sisters!! BLECH!!! But like I said,she doesnt know about affair, well at least I dont think she does. She was talking about her wedding and saying how we should really come...YEA RIGHT!!! I DO NOT THINK SO!!! Its New Years Eve in Montana anyways and we are always at home over Xmas til New Years, so no chance. I dont think H would even consider it, THANK GOD!
I woke up this morning and so many thought entered my head. Next weekend is my birthday AND also a year since H and OW broke off affair. H went to Vegas to see her (yea, nice huh, weekend of my b-day) and I went to CA to see some friends, same friends H and I went to visit in May. I hope some day this "annivesary" will not enter my mind anymore. YUCK! Too many of their "anniversaries" of them being together....I hate it!
So, first off, with my b-day, I will have no expectations, even though if H would ask me what I want...there is one thing I want....more PT! Can I ask for that?? Yesterday, before party, but because I was feeling a little insecure, I went up to H and asked for a big hug. I got one! Was nice...made me feel better starting out the night like that.
Its been a year...where should we be? What goals should I have now? Are we in a good enough place for me to ask for things? When I do ask, he usually will do things I ask for? So is asking the best way? I asked a while back about this and people suggested telling him when I appreciate things he does to get him to do more. I do this with everything he does, but the things he does not do, this will not work. So how do I go about getting him to do these things? It seems like the more I get him to do PT, the more comfortable he is getting with it. So if I dont put any expectations on him, he might always be uncomfortable doing these things until he does get to a certain comfort zone, right? It goes the same for me, I am still uncomfortable talking to H about certain things, but the more I try to do it, the easier it is getting and will get. I am working on these things and I think maybe H would too if he knew that it was important to him. I dont want to be the WAS in a couple years because I am not getting MY needs met and I am doing so much for H. H has agreed to go away with me for weekend in October..(for our Anniversary, but I didnt say that was what if was for) Im sure he knows, but I thought if I made it BE about that, it might be too intimidating. So it seems that we are still taking some great steps forward. I am VERY happy, and I love what H and I are becoming, but I am not ready to just sit back and let it be, you know what I mean? I know M is work, believe me, its why we got to where we were before, we both stopped working. I will not let that happen again, but I also feel that H has to do his part also. Its just getting him to do it, I just dont know how....
Good to hear things went well. I keep checking on you even if I don't post. Thinking of you. Remeber way back when you were looking for someone to call you on your cell to "create mystery"? Funny huh? G'night. B
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I understand all your questions. I wonder the same things. When will things be okay enough for me to not have to worry about asking for what I want, when will he not see that as presure, when will I not wake up and worry that if we have a fight it migh make him leave?
I really think Michelle needs to do a follow up book. Maybe two. One for those when it works and they get back together and one for when the R does end.
Seems like a logical progression. By the time we get things together in our R, perhaps the book will already be out. I would sure like to have the "answer book" these days.
Congratulations on the success at the party. Find peace in the progress. Be thankfull.
Michelle, if your out there...a request for a book to help us after our spouses are ready to work on M would be wonderful!!
Journaling:
The other nite, H and I were watching a movie. I started to scratch his arm but he kept his hand on his own leg. I moved it to my leg and said to him, "Sorry, but I like it when you put your hand on my leg". Ever since that nite, he has put his arm on my leg and rubbed it. WOW!! I havent had to even say anything!! woohoo!! We are making some progress!!
This weekend I am going away for a "Girls Weekend". For some reason, I keep getting a little anxious. Not sure why.... This is first time in abour 2 years that I have went away and H has stayed home, alone. Every time I went somewhere last year, he was with OW!! YUCK! (So hard to say that!) He said he was going up to Blackhawk Casino on Sat with some buddies and was invited to go to Rockies game on Sun (with OW's sister and fiance), but says he doesnt think he will go. Monday is my birthday, so I will be home Sunday and wonder if he will have anything planned for Monday? I know..no expectations..and I really dont have any. Honestly, just having him back and seeing the things he is trying to do to make our M work is enough of a gift for me!
At least this year I know I will be able to enjoy myself much more!
I didnt even say good-bye..I was to frustrated with him. I sent him an ecard this morning, just saying I wanted to be first to say good morning to him and that I loved him. He read it when he woke up. But nothing about thanks for it or anything. Maybe Im expectin too much..who knows. 
H has agreed to go away with me for weekend in October..(for our Anniversary, but I didnt say that was what if was for) Im sure he knows, but I thought if I made it BE about that, it might be too intimidating. So it seems that we are still taking some great steps forward. I am VERY happy, and I love what H and I are becoming, but I am not ready to just sit back and let it be, you know what I mean? I know M is work, believe me, its why we got to where we were before, we both stopped working. I will not let that happen again, but I also feel that H has to do his part also. Its just getting him to do it, I just dont know how.... 
