Thanks JJ for the suggestions, but this is my question to you then....what if he does NOT do the things I want, meaning that I am not able to say, "I love it when you hug me" or " I really like when you snuggle with me", so then what??? Can I say things like, "I would really like it if you would snuggle with me" or "I would really appreciate a hug from you"...its hard to tell him thanks for things he is still not doing.

The cheek kiss thing...yea, I have pretty much just avoided trying to kiss him on the lips, except for tonite, but will get to that later...


Journaling:

I am sad and not exactly sure why. Could be I am tired, H and I didnt sleep much last nite. We kept hearing noises in the house. But I am sad...I just feel like crying...a good, long cry.....

Was little bitchy to H earlier today, and after he helped me with daycare picnic all morning. I apologized to him later about bitching at him. He went to Ft. Collins to see buddies, left at 4pm, going out tonite, staying overnight and going golfing tomorrow. So pretty much wont see him until tomorrow nite around 6pm. At first, I was a little upset...I never get to just drop everything or not worry about the house getting clean or other things getting done and go have fun for 24 hrs!!!!It just seems so unfair!!! Then I felt like....we have been spending maybe TOO much time together and I need some space from him. Need some ME time....he deserves good time out..hasnt been out in while. Then I went to feeling, (its rainy, cold out today) I just want to spend the whole day in bed, snuggling w/ H!! So, not really sure how I feel, except I want to cry!!!

H always looks and smells so good when he gets ready to go out..which sometimes makes me jealous, becuz he doesnt spend that much time getting all "prettied" up when we go out. Tonite when he was getting ready, I just watched him for while and then said, "You always look and smell so nice when you go out", hoping that he would next time put that effort into getting ready when WE go out. Funny thing, he later came into kitchen with 2 different shoes on and asked me which one to wear. I told him my opinion and he left and I just could help but smile. It felt good that he wanted to know my opinion. Right at that time, I wanted to shout out "I LOVE YOU", because I so felt it, but of course I didnt. Im afraid to Anyways, he came up to say he was leaving and give me a hug, and I just held him for long time.....didnt want to let go, then I looked up into his eyes and kissed him on the lips. He didnt turn his head and sort of kissed me back. Was good send off, then I told him to have great time, be safe and kick butt golfin tomorrow. He laughed at me and said, OK! So different from over a year ago, when I would be jealous of him going, we would fight, I would yell that he doesnt need to stay overnite, bcuz hes married, etc, etc. It even feels better to me to be able to tell him "have good time, see you tomorrow" I told him that I will be good and tired when he gets home tomorrow night so we can just climb in bed together and watch movies and he said ok!!

I am going out tonite with friend and think that is exactly what I need. I havent been out in forever and think this will be good time for us!

Well, I feel better and have stopped crying...so glad I have this place to come and vent!! Time to get some more stuff done, so I CAN just do NOTHING tomorrow!!