Here is some stuff from the Marriage Fitness book that I thought was interesting.
This is the solution to most marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and SPEND YOUR TIME AND ENERGY building your relationship through POSITIVE ACTIONS.
It's counter intuitive, but if you strengthen your relationship, most of your problems will dissipate and what remains of them can be more easily resolved in a safer, softer, and more forgiving marital environment.
Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with each other.
If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. If your timing is off, trying to solve problems with your spouse will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you'll ever find resolution.
Now you can see why Marriage Fitness is fundamentally different from any other approach to relationship success. It’s not about conflict-resolution or communication skills because these are NOT the key to renewing a marriage. The key is NOT to fix what’s wrong. The key is to make new things right.
And there are, in fact, specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to make things right in your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable--you can "make" love.
So here I have been all worried about us "talking" about what happened, or discussing just where H is in this M, when all I need to be doing is focusing on now and what is working NOW.
"7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage." By Mort Fertel
SECRET 2: TALK & TOUCH
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Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon's marriage). I don't want you to hop on a bus or drop off your keys, but the song does make a good point about how to succeed in marriage.
See, the song's ultimate point is that once you make up your mind to do something, action is sure to follow. Whether you decide to leave or love, it's the decision that's most important. Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.
You want to improve your marriage, right? Good...you know WHAT you want. The only question left is HOW. HOW will you improve your marriage?
Let's be clear about one thing first. It has to be an ACTION. Contrary to popular opinion, love is NOT a feeling. It's a verb--the result of ACTIONS YOU CHOOSE every day.
Okay, but what action?
Within the next 24 hours, I want you to try a Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.
A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive, LOVING, verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun or frivolous chat.
A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a LOVING physical gesture with your spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment.
You don’t succeed in marriage because of one Herculean event. There's no gift you can give, favor you can do, or letter you can write. When your marriage is on the rocks, it’s common to want to "microwave" it better. But you can’t. There’s no quick fix. It took you years to get into this mess; it’s going to take time for you to get out of it. And what’s the way out? Listen carefully.
Successful spouses do SMALL THINGS in great ways for a long time.
Do you want REAL change and LASTING love in your marriage? Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch everyday, for example.
Og Mandino says, "Take great comfort in knowing that ALL great feats are accomplished one small step at a time." TAKE THE SMALL STEPS! They make a BIG difference.
What if you don't feel like talking and touching? What if you haven’t talked in days? What if you haven’t touched in weeks?
The answer is--DO IT ANYWAY. I know it’ll be hard, but do it.
The best way to change how you feel is to change what you do. If you wait until you feel like doing it, you'll be stuck forever. Just do it (more on this topic in secret 3).
If you were out of shape and the doctor told you to exercise 30 minutes each day, you wouldn't feel like doing that either. Success takes DISCIPLINE. What's discipline? Discipline is doing what you know you should do when you don't want to do it. That's worth saying again. Discipline is doing what you know you should do when you don't want to do it. Muster up some discipline and start talking and touching.
Do you remember when you used to just talk? Not about who's going to pick up the kids, make the dinner, or pay the bill...I mean just talk for the sake of talking. If you're like most couples, you need to start talking again. Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met today or the experience you had jogging in the park.
In the morning before you part for the day, share something with your spouse. In the middle of day, call your spouse for a Talk Charge. You don’t have to be all sweetsie if you don’t want to. But make sure you don’t discuss anything logistical. And don’t fight! Just talk.
You and/or your spouse probably feel you don’t get enough attention from each other. As discussed, it could be that you need to talk more. But you also probably need to touch more.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH YOUR SPOUSE TODAY. Make it clear that you're touching them solely to connect in that moment. Try a warm kiss or a gentle rub. Stroke their cheek or play with their feet. It only takes a moment, but the positive energy can carry you through an entire evening.
When you caress your spouse's hand, play with their feet, rub their shoulders, or stroke their cheek, there's a moment there (if you do it RIGHT) when your spouse knows that you are completely connected with them. Fill your marriage with a few of those moments each day and your relationship will begin to change.
Now I don't want to leave you hanging...wondering what you're going to say and how you're going to touch. I figure if there's 50 ways to leave your lover, there must be at least as many ways to touch them or talk to them. So here's my "50 ways" list. Don't be overwhelmed. I created 50 so you would have options. Once again, my challenge to you is to pick 2...in the next 24 hours do 1 Talk Charge and 1 Touch Charge.
MORT’S 50 WAYS TO TALK AND TOUCH LIST
1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's decisions
2. Share dessert with one fork
3. What was "your song" when you were dating? Call your spouse and sing it to them.
4. Surprise visit your spouse at their office or home and give them a kiss... and then leave.
5. Play footsie next time you sit together
6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your spouse
7. Ask how your spouse's day went... and really listen
8. Kiss your spouse upon waking
9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping
10. Caress your spouse's hand
11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while driving
12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each other
13. Sit on your spouse's lap or sit them on yours
14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing
15. Call your spouse out of the blue to let them know you are thinking of them
16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage
17. Share a story from the news or your day that you thought was interesting
18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's looking...
19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all over again, you'd choose them
20. Share a problem - thank your spouse for their concern
21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in bed
22. Fall asleep holding hands
23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time they leave the house
24. Call your spouse at work with the latest news.
25. Have a tickle "fight"
26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake you recently made
27. Think of 3 ways your spouse has made you a better person--tell them now
28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite physical trait
29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud
30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of your gaze--share your feelings
31. Share what you most admire about your spouse
32. Have a "remember when?" moment.
33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a challenging time in your life
34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you are in the same room
35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce
36. Hold hands under the table
37. Brush your mate's hair out of his/her eyes
38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him with love
39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch her with love
40. Knead the same dough together
41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking
42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability to overcome a problem
43. Listen to your spouse's worries - ask how you can help
44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day...deliver it with a kiss
45. Send your spouse a fax with your special "code words" for I Love You!
46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock - wake them with a massage
47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while he/she is reading
48. Before parting, tell your spouse you can't wait to see him/her again
49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt anyone
50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping
Its funny, I have done a lot of the things that the "Marriage Fitness" book has talked about doing...and all on my own!! I can really tell it has made a tremendous difference in our M. We are not only H and W, like we were the first 3 years of our M, but now we are becoming "soul mates". We talk more, we communicate more, we share more and we are learning new things about each other that we never knew before! Its absolutley wonderful and its all been w/out any "force" on my part!
I love that list. I do a lot of those already. Some I did, but have since stopped because XH gets pissy about it. Mostly those that involve feelings or touching. Thank you again for posting these things. They are great!
I started posting this once already and got interrupted and forgot to shut down screen and H came in and I assume read what I had written. Wasnt much yet, only the first positive I had typed which is going to be *H ran bath for me*. But I didnt know if it would bother H that I am still posting on here or not. He didnt say anything, but he might sometime later. I will just tell him Its where I go to help other people and also to keep myself in check so that things will never go back to the way they were.
Positives: * H ran bath for me last night * H asked me to go out to eat Wed night * H asked me to go to Denver w/ him friday nite to watch him play poker (cant bcuz of softball though) * H been uncluding me in decisions he makes and spending more quality time with me
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Journaling:
I have thinking about starting to ask H for some things that I NEED! The best way for me to figure out if its right is to try, right? Thats how I have learned everything else. If he gets defensive or starts to pull away, then I know its still too early to ask for what I want and need. I think the best way to go about it is to take the LL test and give H the results and give examples of some of the things I would want him to do w/ each top LL? What do you all think of that??
Hi 2much! Great positives! I'm glad that things like this are happening for you, and that you're noticing and appreciating them!!
I have thinking about starting to ask H for some things that I NEED! The best way for me to figure out if its right is to try, right?
Right! If there's a possibility that you think that the LL test thing might be too much, too soon, there are other things you can try, to ease into it some more. Some things along the line of "I like it when you.......", or "I really had fun with you when we.....", and things of that nature.
In this way, you're not really telling him what to do, you're telling him what specific things you like, and giving him a chance to do things on his own.
And remember, us guys can be pretty dense, so just letting him know that your LL is WOA, or whatever, try to give some specific examples. Who knows, he might catch on soon, and start becoming more creative! Remember to recognize and reward positive behaviors, too.
Good luck, and have some fun with this!!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Just went back through, and read about the "cheek kissing" problem. Maybe "do something different" with this. Instead of kissing his cheek, just put your cheek to his cheek. Or when you would normally try to kiss him, reach out and just shake his hand. Or kiss your hand, then put it up to his cheek, or his lips. Or kiss his hand.
There are probably lots of other things you can try. The point it to change things up a bit, and see if you get any different kinds of responses!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
What a wonderful list of positives! Those are awesome things he did for you! I'm so happy for you.
As for telling him what you need, I would do as suggested and maybe start with "I like it when you do...." that way he won't take it as you're trying to tell him what to do. I hope I get to that point one day!
2much, congrats on the positives. It is so awesome, indeed.
Quote: I have thinking about starting to ask H for some things that I NEED!
Just last night, as we had R related talk, my W told me: next time we talk, tell me about your needs and dreams'.
And here you are, 2much, thinking about the same things I am. I like suggestions that were made here today. I will use them as well! I am a bit worried to ask W to answer he 5LL survey, as there are several questions there that may not go that well with her. Not yet.
