I was on this board a few months back but you probably don't remember. I went through this thing where I was putting out for my H 3 or 4 times a week (wayhay) and he was enjoying it and it made our R much better but then suddenly he just switched off on me. Like I was controlling things and making him happy and he didn't want to be made happy.
He even complained about lack of S.E.X. in a heated discussion we had a few weeks ago and I just couldn't help but throw back at him the weeks of jumping his bones that he just threw back in my face.
But enough about me how about you. You wife is in her head much to much in her head she needs to get into her body not just for your sake but for hers too. She says she needs some time to relax do stuff for her like vegging or reading or anything. Why don't you suggest something like yoga, you could get a yoga DVD and do it together. It is not like you are suggesting any sexual contact and it is really relaxing. She needs to loosen up and regain contact with her body then she might start to feel those urges again.
I have been reading Narcissism by Alexander Lowen because I fear my H is narcissistic. Verrrry interesting book, I noted how much I am pretty narcissistic myself but the book also gave some physical things to do to release pain and anguish in yourself which just blew the lid off for me and really helped..
Here's me feeling horny and you feeling horny and we both love our SOs - hah cruel world
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I think I may be understanding. This weekend, I "getting" your sitch. I'm "getting" the same kind of crap from my W without deserving that kind of karma, and it's causing me to "get" your sitch.
I spent almost all of Saturday trying to do things that would make my W happy, and while I may have succeeded at making her happy, there is nothing in this freaking world that I could do this weekend to make her interested the the physical touch language that rings my chimes.
I made a few sexual inuendos on Saturday afternoon when we got home from shopping and looking at antiques and plants and peacocks (all stuff she was interested in and I went along with for the sake of the R). On a scale of one to five, one being "keep trying, you may just end up getting lucky" and five being "aint no freaking way you're gonna touch me, you freaking pervert!" Her reaction to the inuendos was a five. Now granted, she was happy and having a good time and was even offering to help we with some yard work when I made the inuendo that I had something naughtier in mind for us since the kids were both gone. (Mental note: Happy W does NOT equal horny W.)
Now outside of the inuendoes which don't usually run deep and she usually shrugs off or goes along with trying to be good natured, I have not done anything to upset her. To the contrary, I have been that good guy that trys to move the R forward. I cooked salmon and shrimp for her Saturday night even. It's just that nothing is going to warm the cockles of her heart this weekend.
Never give up, never give up. I think I'm getting it, I think I'm getting it.
Quote: The more that you describe her the more I feel that she is psychologically traumatized in some way. You and the actions that you take play a very miniscule part in her reactions. She is reacting to the gremlin that she sees sneaking up behind you.
HD:
I think Karen might have something here, a gremlin sneakin up behind you or me.....that our W's are reacting to not us. A way to self-sooth ourselves, it's not really you or me in our respective sitches causing the hangups, its just that we're the ones trying to resolve the hangups so we can get on with our own agenda, ML to our W, or as I'm feeling right now, THE BITCH; excuse me for saying it but that is exactly how I am feeling right now.
So Karen, any ideas on how to slay the gremlin, because that is ultimately what we want to do? Waiting patiently for your answer.
Dont give up, don't give up. Keep trying, keep trying. I think I got it, I think I'm getting the shaft!
Hey folks, my love tank got a bit of a fill-up yesterday afternoon!
I went up to our bedroom, where W was, I thought, attempting to take a nap. She called me over to the bed to talk about something, and I thought, "hmmm, a nap sounds good about now."
Notice how it goes? I used to always thing, "hmmm . . .sex!" but now think about naps. It's not an age thing. It's a married-to-Ms.Hdog-thing.
Anyway, we chat briefly and my eyes close. She touches me. And keeps on touching me. Now, I'm talking nice, gentle, touching of my arm, hand, chest, tummy. Nothing particularly sexual about it. But it keeps going on, where, normally, she would stop this kind of activity after maybe a minute.
Instead of my usual response, which is to start caressing her, I just lay back and let her touch. Which she continued to do for about 20 minutes. I'm trying to recall the last time (if ever) that she has shown me this much physical attention. I am still not touching her, just letting her do her thing.
But then, she does get kind of sexual, and so do I. Understand, we're just using hands, and through clothes, but it is very nice. No sex...but I definitely would say it felt like we were ML for the first time in a long time.
This morning I told her that it was wonderful, and that, even if it hadn't ended the way it did, just the long period of her touching me was very appreciated. She accepted my compliment gracefully.
I just wanted you all to know that something good happened, for a change.
Hairdog. That weather/sex front that went through my area must have made it to your area. Maybe ML has nothing to do with us as individuals but depends on some weather/sex front passing through.
On Animal Planet TV they say some snakes can see heat and they have a special system like we have eyes, just for heat. Maybe we need to develop radar to determine if there is something like a weather/sex front that just passes through our part of the country.
Happy you made the emotional connection and did not get your hands pushed away "YOU PERVERT YOU." I would have said "lucky dog" but will save that for later.
Hairy, You dawg you! Maybe she just needs to think she's in control or something Hope the thaw continues! Kudos to you for just accepting and not escalating it, and for letting her know it was good.
I agree Hairdog, you really handled it well by not overwhelming her and allowing her to " feel" on her terms. You rebuild the intimacy with small steps of trust and lots of communication. This is real progress...congratulations!
Re: the Gremlin. The Gremlin is just a representation of all of each of our individual fears and insecurities. Most of the time it just lives inside of our heads. Sometimes though it stands so close to someone else as to be indistinguishable from that person - so we attack the person. How do we slay it? I think each individual really must come to terms with their own Gremlin. As the loved one, we can only gently point out, "Hey, I am not Dad saying that you are worthless or Aunt Myrtle always saying something about your weight. I am the person who loves you and we are discussing our R - we are discussing our life together." KWIM? It is something that you HD have been getting very adept at lately. You keep the ball in the court it belongs in and keep the waters unmuddied. Good job!
\
Hope the thaw continues! Kudos to you for just accepting and not escalating it, and for letting her know it was good. 
