Never give up, never give up...

[doglover]

HD,

I know this thread has turned to enneagram analysis, but unfortunately I don't know anything about that.

But just a quick comment (well maybe not so quick) - Reading back on my previous posts, I'm again struck by my own focus on "normality". Now, we all want to think of ourselves as "normal", but once again I think it ties into my own tendency towards self-righteousness, and I don't like it in myself.

One of the things I value about this BB is how all of us have many similar situations, and so we can learn from each other's experiences. But I also especially value the fact that people on this BB are very respectful of the uniqueness of each person's sitch and his/her feelings about it.

E.g. MrsNOP could be bragging about the fact that she has come such a long way from an LDW in a SSM to a loving partner who does it daily. But she doesn't; she just shows us that it's possible without putting down those who have not yet been able to achieve her success.

Anyway, I see in my own posts a thread of grading myself and others: My thinking often goes: "I used to be worse than average, but now perhaps I'm average or even better". And believe me, if MrDL and I should argue about something and our R declines I can imagine myself bringing that up: "You should be happy about the fact that we now ML at or more than average".

But averages don't really matter; it's how it feels to each individual person and to each couple. And being better than someone else is entirely irrelevant.

Perhaps the concept of "normalcy" may matter if an HD spouse can effectively convince an LD spouse that there are alternative ways of feeling and acting which are enjoyed by a large percentage of people. But if it makes an LD spouse feels defensive or attacked, and it's likely to, then it's just not going to work.

Probably a better approach is that of your MC who pointed out to your W that your marriage is doomed if you don't both spend regular time and care to deal with and resolve issues.

I think you are doing a great job of respecting your wife's issues and handicaps while at the same time continuing to let her know that a better SL is very important to you.

DogLover

P.S. But now I previewed my post, and I will lapse into self-righteousness one more time - wanting sex more than twice a year is an "abnormal expectation"? What is she thinking? I don't know how you get around that one without saying that that is a "normal" expectation of most married men and many if not most married women. Maybe there's a synonym which is less charged and less critical than "normal or abnormal". Would "typical" work?

DL:
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Also, I went through a period during which I was trying to prove to her what a "normal" sex life was like. Big mistake. She got very defensive. Claimed I was telling her she was abnormal. Currently, she is in about the same place I was back then; trying to prove her "normality" and show that I have abnormal expectations.

Yeah, right, she'd say. Just another rationalization to try to get me into bed.
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Hairdog