Never give up, never give up...

[doglover]

Hairdog,

I too am glad she decided to go to MC today and hope to hear that it has been a helpful session.

Your post about how she feels overwhelmed with demands and just needs to veg out reminded me of how I often felt as a working mom when my 2 kids were young. Though that wasn't the only cause, our SL began to suffer then and didn't recover for a long time. Unfortunately, I was able to rationalize a lot of it in my mind - I think I convinced myself that a regular SL was almost a dispensable part of our R (how wrong I was!), that we just needed to communicate well and be caring towards each other (good roommates and co-parents), and anyway that my H was somewhat to blame because he didn't do enough housework/cooking (though he did do a lot of childcare). So I guess I sometimes withheld sex out of resentment, to get back at him for not washing dishes or running a vacuum (how dumb I was!). I really didn't get how I was hurting our R. And somehow I saw romantic love as separate from physical love (how wrong I was!). My H would get angry from time to time, but his anger only served to give me further reasons to avoid him. Furthermore, since I am slow to anger, I saw his anger as his failing and saw myself as "above all that" (how self-righteous I was!).

At one point we went to MC some years ago with our declining SL as a one of the precipitating events. But H's anger was also an issue we talked about, and one which I preferred to think was the cause and not the result of our poor SL. Furthermore, I was way too uncomfortable with talking about S to even make productive use of our MC sessions. Mostly I was unable to say anything explicit at all, unable to discuss my own feelings, unable to talk collaboratively about what would improve our SL.

SSM and this BB have both been very helpful to me in understanding his quite legitimate needs and his feelings of hurt and desperation.

Both have also been very helpful in giving me alternative views of how I can feel and act in our R. Both have given me examples of words to use, words that other real people find helpful. Both have also helped me make much better use of MC sessions we are now going to.

But I guess the real turning point for me was when I feared my H was in an EA with another woman, a good friend of ours. This was what brought me to this BB in desperation 3 months ago. I now believe he wasn't, but also think it could have gone that way if I didn't take action. That forced me to sit up and take seriously his statements that he "couldn't go on this way; perhaps he should leave or perhaps he should take a mistress". Before then I told myself "there he goes again; he always exaggerates, whereas I am such a good person that I am very careful about what I say; I'll just ride it out until he calms down". (again, how self-righteous I was!)

I don't recall if you have said whether she read SSM and whether you think it would help?

I know that SSM says that that one shouldn't generalize - once weekly may be a SSM for some HD spouses while once every 6 months may be just fine for some LD couples. Your wife seems to fit into the latter group and doubtless wishes that you would too. Although I think SSM may urge not going by statistics, I wonder if a reality check would help at some point? Once every 6 months is probably way below the average frequency.

We had a SSM when the frequency fell to once every 2-4 weeks. That was not good but I was able to convince myself that it wasn't so far from average and wasn't such a big deal (how wrong I was!). Now that we have been able to talk more productively, my H has set once weekly as his bottom line with 2 or 3 times preferred.

Your W seems to view you as particularly needy. I guess what I am saying is two-fold: 1) your needs are well within the range of normal and 2) they are an important consideration in any case.

Obviously, any of this convo would have to be engaged in in a spirit of trust and support and not in the spirit of "you are abnormal".

Furthermore, it could be particularly helpful if she could ultimately see some benefit for herself in a better SL - ideally more pleasure for herself and also really a wonderful way to relax and de-stress (that was an eye opener for me - in the past our SL was just one more source of stress, but we are turning that around), not to mention the benefit of having a happier spouse and better adjusted children. (I remember once a happily married female friend of ours responding to my H, when he complained of a period of insomnia, "doesn't ML help?" I think I was there at the time; anyway I remember that was foreign concept to me.)

But at the moment it sounds as though she is really handicapped, perhaps by long-ago events and long-ago people, so too much truth might be hard for her to take. I wish I could tell you what would work to turn that around. I hope your MC is good and can help.

The dynamics of MCing can be tricky - if one spouse feels that the other spouse and MC are "ganging up" on her/him then that can be a setback in terms of trust. Perhaps individual counseling sessions can help? But if she is so uncomfortable with her sexuality and discussing it and as deft as a good lawyer at changing the subject to your faults etc, then she might not make much headway.

Well, I have run on longer than I should have. I offer these comments as from my LD experience and hope they may give some insight. I hope this doesn't constitute a hi-jacking of your thread.

Best wishes!
Doglover