Thanks for answering my questions, HD. It sounds like she presents her competent, "together" exterior to the outside world and to you she can admit that it takes a lot out of her. The key, to me, is for her to see you as inside that "safe bubble" with her as an ally, and to stop seeing you as one more Thing that is making demands on her.
One of my qualifications for a good R is that you should feel as good and as "at home" with your partner as you do when you're alone. IOW when the two of you come home at the end of the day and lock the door behind you, you should feel as safe as when you're alone. You shouldn't be in a sitch where, when you lock the door and turn around, you are facing an enemy, a challenger, another person with whom you'll have to keep your guard up. But it sounds like that's exactly the way she regards you-- at least in the sexual arena. Being alone with you is not a time and place to relax, lay down the weapons, close her eyes and feel safe. She probably only feels that way in the bathtub with the bathroom door locked.
I agree with honey that she is scared to death and feeling very vulnerable, a feeling that I'll bet she HATES. And even though I also agree that you should go into the meeting feeling compassion, as honey said, now is NOT the time to let her off the hook.
I think for some people, feeling their flawed nature is absolutely intolerable. That was the core of the Undefendeed Love workshop, that we lash out and react to avoid feeling that painful, tender, vulnerable, soft center. But if we go there and let ourselves feel it, we find we can indeed tolerate it, and it dissolves into warmth.
My bf actually experienced that at the workshop, but he's forgotten it. Like your W, he cannot stand feeling vulnerable or flawed. The feeling is so intolerable to him that he will heave boiling oil in me to avoid feeling it. The best defense is a good offense, etc.
Good luck today... sounds like you might make some headway if she doesn't get her defenses cemented into place by the time of the appointment.
