The title of this thread may be a misquote of Winston Churchill's response to the question, "How can we win the war?" However, I have always liked its simplicity and its underlying attitude. My only regret is that I do indeed sometimes think of the interactions between W and me as a battle. It could be called the Battle of the Bulge, but I won't expand on that idea.
Anyway...W has decided that she doesn't want to go to the MC session with me today because she feels that she will end up being on the defensive. I guess her idea is that the best defense is just not to show up.
We did talk more last night. She's really focused on her inability to make room in her busy life for meeting my needs. She said that it won't always be this way, but right now, she is giving all she can possibly give.
If you recall my earlier post in response to this argument, I went ahead and told her what I said there: in essence, that her belief that she is doing her best is self-limiting. She didn't like this, and said it suggested she was some sort of slacker, that she needed to give more and more to meet my needs.
She explained that she has nothing left to give. She gives all day long to her clients. Then she comes home and has to give to our DD4. Then, after DD4 is in bed, she is spent.
She said that vegging out in front of the TV is her way of trying to replenish her energy. She held her hand way up above her head and said, "This is the amount of energy it takes me to meet your needs," and lowering her hand to the level of her lap, said, "this is the amount of energy it takes to veg out, or read, or needlepoint."
She said that when she vegges out, or reads, or takes a nap on the weekends, she feels guilty because, "I know you're thinking I could be using that time to be physical with you."
Our conversation went on for a while, with me explaining my concept of the scale of happiness, and my problem with using the word "comfortable" in her mantra of "you have to be comfortable with me saying 'no'" and my preference with the word "accept" in its place.
She did get to a point where she made herself vulnerable, and I think this is probably the most important part of the conversation. I don't want to go into the details, but essentially it was about wanting to stop hurting each other, comforting each other, and taking care of each other.
Anyway, Lillie asked some questions in a previous post, and I wanted to answer them.
1. Does she see hostile motives behind other people's statements, or just yours? Not any more than usual, except that she often sees hostile motives behind the words and actions of my ex-wife. Of course, she's usually right about that. And, of course, given her feminist beliefs, she sometimes sees chauvinism, or male-favoritism, or misogyny in some situations that seem pretty benign to me.
2. Does she see other women as sisters, or as another version of the enemy? It depends. There are those women who she deems "unenlightened" who do damage to the cause of women because they model for Victoria's Secret, or prostitute themselves in some way. But, most of the time she does see them as "sisters."
3. Does she have friends? Not really. Her best friend and confidante is her sister, and the next in line is her mother. She has acquaintances, but any non-family people she calls friends are from her past and are not currently part of her life.
4. Is she liked and respected by her colleagues? What is her professional reputation like? I think she is definitely liked and respected by her colleagues, and that those opposing counsel who don't like her, take that position because they are outgunned by her, and think she is a ball-busting bitch. Which is not entirely inaccurate. She has a good reputation, both among her academic colleagues, and her professional ones.
5. I guess I'm wondering if this nit-picky, cruel behavior is reserved for you or if she's difficult with other people, too. I think she can be pretty nit-picky with the kids, and with her family, but she pretty much saves the cruelty for her fights with me.
Understand that she is not Cruella all the time. She only gets that way when she feels under pressure by me to "meet my needs." Of course, she has felt that pressure fairly consistently for awhile.
The unfortunate thing, for her, is that I don't intend to let her ignore my needs indefinitely. So the pressure for her will continue.
