My H will say that nothing would have worked until he chilled me out. He may be right I don't know. I can't know for sure.
I do absolutely know that had I truely understood and realized what was going on I would have at the least communicated more to try and understand his needs. But, I was an idiot!!!!
I think when you realize you could lose what you really love you stop taking it for granted! Sad but true. Tell some of our stories to your wife. Ask her if you guys really want to go down that horrible hellish path.
I am an Italiam background...dramatic, firey, emotional. My H an English...hide their feelings, reserved, etc. So the few comments he made to me about someday I'll quit coming for you and then you'll be sorry. I remember him saying it maybe 3 times. I didn't know what it meant. I thought he was just talking. Honestly!
For my personality I need to be taken to a restaurant looked at in the eye and had a detailed converstaion (with kindness and love) explaining what was going on. Things like "You are the woman for me. I love you. I adore you. I know we are different. That's ok. I need you to know that emotionally and/or biologically I need to have sex with you maybe x number of times a week. If I could make us both want it the same I would. This is just how I am made. I want you! No other woman. Just you. But you need to know that because I am not having sex as often with you as I need it presents a real temptation to me. I don't want to be tempted and I don't want to succumb to it. But I am just a man. It is real."
Something along those lines. Spell it out. Make it clear. Give details. Tell her you want to be with her...not another woman. etc. etc. You love her. She is beautiful to you and etc.
And if you do that once and it doesn't change. DO IT AGAIN> Don't get angry!!! Have the talk with her again. If things change for a while and then digress. Have the talk with her again!!!
I remember my H giving me a book underlining what he needed. It was a great book. Looking back as to why I didn't hear that as it was BLARING...I think I was defensive and that was why I wouldn't hear. I don't think I felt like I was enough for him sexually or ever could be. When I go back there now, it gets all over me. I cannot even go to that thinking or I'll digress. My H looked at porn...before meeting me. I felt less sexy, inferior, and however much I'd do it it would never be enough. I think this is HUGE for women and it could be a factor in why some withdraw. It did me. I felt inadequate physically and sexually. Now I realize that you are only inaduquate if you think you are. And if my H had thought that I was (he says he didn't) then it would be his problem because I decided that I was a catch. I had to change my thinking for me.
This, I really think, would have worked for me. Why? I love and adore my H and him communicating WITH ME about HIS NEEDS rather than someone else is what I want.
I think guys think that if they say it once it is good for all time. Women have a short "rememberer" ...at least some do. Until we get it right. But you know I think men are the same. LIke how many times has a wife asked her H to just call her in the day to say Hi....to say how much that means to her. But he doesn't remember.
Seems simple huh? Yet I have told my H that hundreds of times. Does he do it. Occassionaly. I used to get so mad...thinking he MUST not really love me and on an on.
Now I realize, you know it is just him. It is not important to him and he forgets. I am not going to get what I want with vinegar but with honey. I want him to be understanding of me so I have to FIRST give him UNDERSTANDING and some space to just be who he is.
I said all that to say that just because a W doesn't get it the first or even 5th time that you talk to her....DON"T QUIT!!!!!!!!
If she meets you with resistance...DON"T GET ANGRY. It will kill any words you have said. DOn't defend. Ask her...why are you so opposed to sex? I can see that so many of our troubles were caused by defensiveness rather than really just listening to my H. I wanted to have my say, rather than just listen to him.
When we want to be heard more than hear noone hears anything and our R go down the tubes. I need to remember that one!
