Yoyo...based on the convo w/ your husband, I would say he is reacting in anger and saying things he doesn't mean. He blurted out he wanted a sep, then later comes in, says he doesn't know what he wants...he obviously doesn't really want it, but he knows he is hurting you.
I too, was tired of "yoyoing" from my H. So I told him to choose whether he wanted to be married to me or not. He said "not!" So while the "yoyo" is hard, don't give it up unless you truly are ready for whatever way it might go. I wasn't - I really thought I would just motivate him to put some effort into us, I NEVER thought he would move toward D, and that is something I will always wonder, if I had only given it a few more months.... Now, take this for what it's worth. My H asked for D in January. I said, fine, you said you wanted it, you can have it. Now he tells me 8 months later, with papers filed and only waiting judge's signature, that he wasn't ever sure he wanted divorce, but once he said it he didn't know how to take it back and now we are in it so deep that he just thinks we can't find our way back out. So he is kind of playing with me here....said he wanted it, gave me every indication he did, but wants to blame me for moving it along. (I said if we were going to D, I wanted boys settled into our new house/school before oldest started high school, so I moved away from him)
So I would not do anything....if he wants this, let him do ALL the work toward it, and if he drags his feet, then maybe he isn't so sure about it.
And you only have a few more days. I wouldn't even bring it up again. H obviously feels your "moods" are hard to handle, and probably they are - neither one of you can be expected to be at your best right now. You are in the pits right now. But when he is gone, your moods will stabilize, and his guilt will decrease since he isn't faced with your pain every day....then both of you can start to deal with each other based on the love that is still there and not all the negative emotions. Hang in there.....VJ
I will always wonder, if I had only given it a few more months.... I guessed I will have to wait a few months. H kept on saying "Give me a few months okay?" Perhaps I really really have to let him go to sort himself out. I kept on saying this, but yet kept on backsliding. *sigh*
but wants to blame me for moving it along Yes, I will have to let him do it in his own time. I don't want him to point his finger at me and said that I made him do it.
Things are not so good this weekend. We had friends over for dinner on Saturday night, and H was rather distant. I mean these were friends from way way back. He knew them before I did. After dinner, instead of chatting with them, he hid in his AV room and listening to music. Only came to join us when it was almost time for friends to leave. H came to the bedroom when I was getting ready for bed and said "I have a lunch appointment" really gruffly.
Next morning (Sunday), H took boys out for breakfast. Didn't join them. When he came home with the boys, I took them out for a movie and was back home by 3 pm. Got a text from H that said that he would join us for dinner. At dinner, he kept asking "what's wrong with you? Why are you so cold? Blah blah blah...Turned out to be quite a hushed shouting match at the restaurant. He actually looked at me and said "SHut the F&^K up!" in a hushed tone but you could see the anger in his face. S5 then interupted and I took him to get his hands washed. When I returned to the table, H was still going on and on. H: I thought I have something to come back to! Me: You do. H: No, I don't. Everytime things are getting better, you f%*Ked it up. Me: You asked me to shut up, and here you are going on. H then kept quiet.
We got home and as usual, kids glued to the PS2. I was in our home office filing up some papers. Then H came in and did the whole R talk, this time in a calmer mood. Can't remember the order but: H: It is not easy for me to leave this house. I am leaving soon and yet I havent' packed. You want to know why? Because it is difficult to do so. Blah blah blah. Just give me a few month. I will be alone there, okay? She won't be with me. Blah blah blah. Like you said, you will leave it to me to decide and if I want to do the legal stuff, I will do it and not you. Blah blah blah. I will call you everynight, ok? Blah blah blah. All this with me occasionally interjecting with "I am letting you go. I am tired of all this. It's your choice. It's your decision. I will sign the papers when you send them. You will ask her to join you. Blah blah blah" I was tearing and all. In between, H did pulled me up from the chair and hugged me. I didn't know how to hug him back. I wanted to but just couldnt. H then went up to spend some time with the boys at their PS2. I needed $$ for the mortgage, so when to get him. We went out to the bank and did have some small talk about Country X and all. Later, I got into bed and H came by to wished me good night and gave me a peck on my cheek and he went off to our home office to finish off some work.
This Morning (Monday), usual rush to work. Nothing much...but we exchanged a few smiles with regards to our boys.
Yoyo, I cannot imagine the stress that you must be under trying to DB when you know that he is leaving. Don't beat yourself up about this. Tomorrow is another day. I think DBing must be easier when you don't have to see them all the time. Especially when they are moody. It really is a test.
Kismet...Yes, I am all over the place. I can't seem to get my DB act together. Hopefully, things will be rather calm after H leaves tomorrow.
Journalling.. H came home late again on Monday night. I texted him earlier that I wanted to clarify some stuff. He came back and gave me a peck on my cheek. I was already asleep. And asked "So, what is it that you want to clarify? Ask me! Ask me!" I was groggy and said that I am sleepy and can't ask anymore. He was still grinning ear-to-ear and said "Ask me! Ask me! Otherwise I can't sleep! I came back on purpose to ask you this. I needed to do some banking at the ATM, but I came back first". SO, I asked him a couple of NO-NO questions (in DB principles) ...like "Will you be sending her $$, did you give her a supplementary credit card? etc etc" On one part of our convo: Me: Did you spend the whole day yesterday with her? Doing all your last minute shopping? H: NO. I was not with her. Me: I don't understand you. You are leaving me for her, and you cannot admit that you are with her. H: Who says I am leaving you for her? Besides, why can't I do those things myself? Me: You were at Area SJ, and you never hang out there. OW stays there, right? H: Why can't I be in SJ? I told you OW bought a place there, she doesn't live there yet. THe place is being done up. He then went on to b&tch about his current boss. Still lading him with work on his last couple of days. Laughing and in a jovial mood. Praising himself on his ability to forecast numbers blah blah blah. I just listen like a dumb.... H then said that he had to dash to go to do some banking and gave me a peck and left.
THis morning (Tuesday), H came over and gave me a soft caress and asked " Are you okay?" to which I replied I was. And he went on saying that his flight is real early. (Told him earlier last night that boys wanted to send him off at the airport) Got up to get ready for work. S8 came in and I casually asked if he still wants to send daddy off as he would have to wake up real early to which he said YES. So, guessed we'll send H off tmrw am. Oh..H also wanted to borrow some $ from me. Said he needed some $ in Country X before his pay comes in. I just kept quiet. Didn't say anything...(I really wanted to say "no $ then why are you wanting to buy the expensive music system???? but bit my tongue!!! Good for me!! )
Anyway, H said that he will come over to my parents' house for dinner tonight since he is leaving tomorrow. BUt he will be off to a farewell drinking session after dinner. Oh well...
Oh...apparently, our friend who came over for dinner on Sat...commented to his wife that my H is really really in the throes of MLC. Never has he seen his good friend like that, sort of half ignoring him at our home and off to listen to music. Sigh! When is he gonna come out from all this??
I think overall, I see little positives. Not a lot but some.....We'll see what happens after the first week away.
Goals for TODAY & TOMORROW - To not start any R talks or any fights with H before he leaves. To make him THINK and FEEL ..."What a good, happy and warm family I have, and I LOVE them"
One Day at a TIME!!!! Be HAPPY! Be CALM! Be ME!! Patience and Perserverance!
H has gone off to Country X. So, we are now really physically separated. Not legally yet...but physically. I think my new DBING ways must now be tailored for working on a spouse that lives across the seas....
Boys and I sent him to the airport. Had to say that I didn't adhere to my goals of NOT starting a fight before he leaves. We did have a short session of a "fight" in the car on the way to the airport. Again, he said "everything things are fine and you change so quickly...blah blah blah". To which I reacted very UN-DB-like. Anyway, things did settle down to a calmer note before we reach the airport. We had breakfast at the airport and then sent him off. H did call me before he boarded the plane, but I missed the call. I called him back and asked him what it was, and he said "Called you to tell you that I am boarding the plane NOW. I sent you a message to tell you so. Got to go. Got to go". The moment I put down the phone, sure enough, a text from H came that tells me he is boarding the plane now.
I went out lunch with some gal pals. Got a call (no ID as it's a foreign call?) at about noon. Picked up but couldn't hear anything. Later, another call with no ID ...it was H. He said that he called earlier but went to voice mail. Had a quick chat. Said that he got into the office fine. Got his company car (not what I wanted though...) and interviewed some hired help.
I had a day of pampering...went to a 3 hour spa pampering session... had a full body scrub, steam, full body massage, full body mask....bliss!!
Before I went to bed, did text H to wish him goodnight...He called back and we chatted for about 2 minutes. Talked further about his accommodation and the car, the traffic. Pleasant. Nothing heavy.....
I had a day of pampering...went to a 3 hour spa pampering session... had a full body scrub, steam, full body massage, full body mask....bliss!!
Yay, Yoyo!
I think my new DBING ways must now be tailored for working on a spouse that lives across the seas...
I'm really interested to see how this starts working out for you. I have a strange but very strong feeling you're going to be in a really good place mentally and emotionally before this is all over.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Hey YoYo - Sorry to see you have been up and down lately but maybe now you can settle down a bit. I am sure with H in country X you will get your head around things a bit easier. It will be hard but I agree with BB I can see that you will be in a very good place soon it may be a bumpy road but you will be happier one way or the other soon....KDU
Yoyo - much as I have spent time regretting that H left our home, I have to admit that I am much more centred when he isn't around so much. You'll find your stress level is going to smooth out and even though you'll miss him, you won't miss the drama.
Yoyo, it has to be easier now with H out of the country. You are off to a good start with that 3 hour spa session: sounds heavenly. Now you can concentrate more on you and the boys
BB, KDU, Anna, Kismet - Thanks for dropping by.... needed some encouragement and support in my NEW status....
I have a few nice positive interactions with H today. H IM-ed a few times. He was setting up IM on his mobile devices and was testing it out. I know it sounds silly, but I am glad that he "ping" me to test out the service instead of OW. Told him something about S8, and he typed "you are making me laugh". So, it's good!
Also, I don't know if this is a sign from above? My big boss just came by not long ago and asked me would I have a problem if I need to be relocated? I was like "Ahem.. yeah, but it really depends on the country". ANd he said "Country X, Country Y and Country Z". In my heart was like "Country X????" Also, I have a few projects that would require me to fly to Country X, even if it's not a permanent relocation. I am feeling kinda excited and hopeful.... I did text H to tell him that Big Boss asked me about the relocation...He hasn't replied yet....Oh well.
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