Hi ya all....Okay, we did have the dinner "date" but I have to say that it was quite good although we were talking about US and OW the whole time. Geez! I know I know...I don't know what's with me. I just can't stop myself. My head is having all sorts of conflicts. On one hand, I am like saying "stop it! stop asking already!" but on the other hand, I am like asking and asking. And H said "Now..come to think of it, don't think I will ask you to come. It seems rather unfair to you, as your career is going so well" I can't win, can I??? H also kept on saying " I am improving, right?" Basically, I still don't know what my H is up to. I really don't. Now, I see that he is gearing himself to be totally ALONE! Neither with us nor OW. But, he does have a 'female' friend who is helping him out with accommodation in Country X. Oh Well. I certainly think that my H has issues within that he needs to deal with. And hopefully, he will sort it out when he is in Country X. Hook up with a new friend? Well, despite off all the R talk and OW talk etc, etc. We did ML after our dinner date.
Saturday AM, before I left for my yoga, spoke to H that I promised not to talk about OW again. And that he should just decide that he wants to have the family or not...and not worry about whether we will join him in Country X or not, that he should leave it to me if the time comes. H spent the whole day out today, but did come back to join us for dinner. Even then he seemed rather distant. He did give me a little hug and said "Mmmm, we have been together for quite long, haven't we?" I was like "and?"...Don't know what he is getting at. After dinner, H went to play PS2 with S8. I joined them, I don't know what happened but somehow talked abour R and OW and then H said "I move to Country X and then I will see how I miss more". I was a little gobsmacked and said "What was all the talk about Making things right? When you are still saying things like this? Nevermind!" and I left to go back to my bedroom. H came in after me, and that was our Fight started. I have to say it was not Nice. H was back to his angry self. And told me that "I cannot give you any reassurances! What happened today? I really enjoyed last night" blah blah blah...BUt did calm down enough to ask me for money so that he could play poker. Friends came over for the game. H slept in the guest room this night. I was alseep when he game finished, and felt that he gave me a peck on my cheek before he left to the other room.
Next morning, H asked why are you sooo angry? Answered that I was not. Just indifferent. Kept on asking and asking. H went bowling with the boys and I. But the whole time was feeling restless and all. Asked him if he was gonna be able to look after the boys today and he answered "you should have given me advance notice". Oh well...I am not gonna ask him to do anything anymore. I am sooooo fed-up. Things were cold between us for the weekend, I must say. We did have dinner at our friend's house, and H was like "Are you OK? Are you angry?" I kept my cool...Had a headache last night, and went to bed immediately after we got back. H came by and asked "Are you OK?" and gave me a peck on my lips. I don't know what to think anymore. Basically, I am really fedup with all this. I don't know if I have it in me to continue with the DBING business. At the moment, I don't want to. I am just gonna go Dark...as Dark as I can be with him still living in our house!
From now on, I am not gonna call him, not gonna text, not gonna ask if he is gonna be with the boys. Basically, not gonna care!
Seems to me like you were backsliding on purpose? I know it sounds crazy, but it's not like having these R talks is completely beyond your control... you choose to have them. So do you backslide to test H's response? Which is the predictable roller coaster of throwing the possibility of OW back at you... And now you know that he is waffling and wanting to keep both of you as possibilities (and maybe adding a 3rd in Country X?)
Anyway, you have been right to be cautious about committing to follow him, and you are right to go back to what works... going dark.
Just maybe try to figure out why you choose to backslide sometimes? What were you trying to accomplish with all those R talks? And can you get it without backsliding?
Hey Sister Goddess...Welcome back from your vacation. Yes, you are right that all these talks are in OUR control. I guessed I DO want to test the waters. I have to say that the last two weeks was a little tooo good to be true. My friend said that maybe he had an argument with OW, that is why he is opening up to me. H did tell me that OW was upset with him for wanting to move to Country X. All and all, I supposed this backsliding incident is good in a way...to bring me back down from the clouds. To be aware that all is really not all that rosy.
I don't think I would have gotten the "real" picture without backsliding...because H has been telling his friends that he is "putting things right" and I have got feedback from his male friends that H is turning into a new leaf...so, in a way, he is not telling the truth to his friends. Perhaps he is lying to his friends so that they will SEE that he is back to his old self and that they will continue to be his friends? I don't know. I really don't know. When I spoke to H yesterday... Me: Why did you tell me to trust you one last time to put things right? When you are still deciding WHO you miss more and then want that person to go to Country X? These two statements are sooooo opposite. One statement assures that you ARE going to put things right. The other is like you are not sure. H: I said what I said. I am not going back on my word. WTF???? The second statement IS going back on his word, isn't it? I just want to go so so dark. Dark as I could be...considering he still comes home every night.
I think I will sleep with S5 tonight. Got word from my mom that he is running a fever. So, able to avoid H without concocting any excuse.
I have planned for GAL for this weekend.. Sat AM: Yoga Sat AM: Breakfast with girlfriends Sat PM: Perhaps a manicure/pedicure/facial ? to be confirmed Sat PM: Dinner with Mentor and Boss Sun AM/PM: Theme Park with the Boys Sun PM: Friend's Baby's One-Month-Old Dinner
Really One Day at a Time!!!! Keeping feet firmly on the Ground....
I'm sorry, I know how dishearting this is for you. I dont know why they talk out the side of their face so much, re-wording past convo's. It's even harder when their actions 'seem' positive only to find out they were more neutral.
And like you said sometimes you have to backslide to get the real view of things. Remember, act as if, maybe it's time your not so available to H???? maybe time to be a tad mysertious.
hellkat - Thanks. Needed the hug. Am still trying to come to grips of actually what H is trying to do. I am in such a mess that I can't think straight. Can't bring myself to DBING. Am just being cold and indifferent. Am trying to work on the Mysterious bit....
Last night, I did sleep with S5. H came back about 10.30 pm. I was already asleep. He asked why I was sleeping up here. Told him that S5 is running a fever. H: why are you still angry Me: No, I am not. Just indifferent. H: Don't care anymore? How now? Me: I don't know. (Then kept quiet)Why do you need to lie about you being in STL? H: What are you talking about? Me: When you went away...u told me that u were in STL. You weren't, why? H: How do you know? Me: From the credit card bill. Shows very clearly that you were somewhere else. You went earlier to be with her? Stayed later to be with her? H: No. I did go to STL.
H then left the room. I am pretty sure that he lied. *sigh* Do I know this guy anymore?
Next morning, he came into the room again and asked how S5 was. Again, asked if I was still angry. Then told me that the movers will be bringing some boxes over this morning. I said that I know as he has already told me so. Took the boys and left him alone in the house. I did text him.. "Honestly, I really hate seeing you turn into something that you are not. Perhaps country X would be good for you to sort urself out, even if it means that you are not coming back to us. Perhaps things were promising and good between the 2 of us for the last 2 weeks because you two had a fight. And now you have patched up, things are not so good for you and I. Happy Packing!".
I know that I am supposed to ACT AS-IF that no OW exists and be happy. Like I said, I can't bring myself to DBING. I am so dejected. *sigh* I really don't know how to ACT anymore....
I know it's hard to ignore OW, but it really will be less of a drain on you if you're not thinking about her, ok?
I think it is time to go a bit dark. Not to get his attention, but to pull yourself out of the tidal wave. You need a breather and space is the only way to get it. No more R talks. He's going to Country X. You're not. Nothing to discuss (beyond logistical considerations) for a few months. Give yourself a vacation.
I know how you feel yoyo - sometimes you need to take a break from DB'ing, doesnt mean you cant start again. You might want to go grey if dark is too much, just to work on yourself again until your PMA is where you want it.
I know all of this is taking it's toll and you sound so tired. Stay strong and take care of you right now.
Sorry if I have not posted on anybody's thread. Don't think I could be much help in my state of mental health. I am feeling sooooo down and almost void of any human emotions. I supposed that's not true...if i am void of emotions, I won't be caring, and won't be typing now.
Today...and maybe since Sunday...I feel like there may be no hope left in my R with my H. Or is there? I want to see the positives. But I just can't. I feel so drained out. Just feel like going off for a bit of pampering on myself. Am at work now...but am miles away.... WHy can't I feel great???
Okay...I am not feeling exactly great, but having read a few posts...I thought I'll pick myself off the floor and start to do some DBING...if not for my M, for me, then...
I think the listing of goals, positives does help...so I will try to do short term ones..
Positives... - H did IM me this morning at work. - H called me around lunch time - H didn't sound angry (I have to work on being happier, cheerful... trying..trying...)
Short Term Goals... None at the moment (??) Maybe.. - H initiate some intimacy by end of the week - H communicating with me more - H coming back home from work earlier (??) - H wanting to spend time with us/boys this weekend.
Think that's about it for the time being...
One Day at a TIME!! Keeping my feet firmly on the Ground.... Patience! Patience! Patience! Be Happy! Forgive! Stop the Anger...the Sadness...the negativities..
I can't win, can I??? H also kept on saying " I am improving, right?" Basically, I still don't know what my H is up to. I really don't. Now, I see that he is gearing himself to be totally ALONE! 
I really don't know how to ACT anymore....