Still Yoyo-ing About #2 ....

[hellkat]

I may not be IN love with you, but I do love you. I guessed the reverse in also true. I may be IN love with her, but I don't love her. And I can learn to be IN love with you.

well MR. YOYO seems to fit his name doesnt he? Dont you hate the I can 'learn' to be IN love with you (I got that one too) how do you 'learn' to be IN love - either you are or arent.

As far as his comment of not wanting to be alone in country X and would probably want you and the boys to move out there with him............the whole sentance - I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE - sums it up.

Careful yoyo - dont stay just cos HE doesnt want to be alone, that only prolongs more of the same.

[kaydeekay]

Yoyo...I agree with Hellkat. Don't be with H because he doesn't want to be alone. If anything, H needs the alone time to get reaquainted with himself. I've read that people don't like being alone because they aren't really happy with themselves.

may not be IN love with you, but I do love you....I can learn to be IN love with you

Is this what happened when he first fell in love with you; he had to learn how to fall in love. Did he learn how when he "fell in love" with OW? I don't think so. Love isn't just a feeling, it's a decision.

My H said the same things to me when he was comparing me and OW. H and OW are not compatible...she's more country living and he's more city living. He's often told me that he know's I'm the better woman. He's even said that OW, her family, and friends are people that H and I would not associate with. So then why is H with her now? Who knows. I believe it has to do with self-esteem. OW put him a pedestal and stroked his ego (I'm sure among other things... ). After being with your spouse for X amount of years Hs & Ws tend to take each other for granted.

It sounds as though H is sending you mixed messages. He's telling you things about the future as a family, then he's telling you he might have OW stay with him when he's in Country X. I know WAS are just as confused as the LBS. I wish there was a way we can unmush the mushed brain..lol. Just stay positive and strong. You said the past two months are an improvement, keep doing what you are doing and the next two months may even be better!!!

[glj]

Hi Yoyo

I have to agree with everyone else...you shouldn't run to H b/c HE doesn't want to be ALONE. In my sitch that's exactly the reason why H is with OW...he doesn't want to be alone, or like his godfather told me...he doesn't KNOW how to be alone with himself.

But otherwise it seems like you are getting a lot of positives. Who knows...maybe the few months H WILL be alone before you would even think of going over to country X will be enough alone time for him to really figure out what he wants and what his issues are....b/c right now he is still in the habit of giving a few mixed signals.

hang in there
glj

[kismet]

Yoyo, I think that thing your H said about learning to be in love with you is a positive. Yes, he is still really confused but at least he knows that the feelings he has for OW are nothing at all like the feelings he has for you. I know you have a long way to go, but when I read what he said, I thought it was a step in the right direction.

[KimDownUnder]

Yoyo that is the most appropriate name you could ever have chosen for you and your H. Look I agree he is giving mixed signals at the moment and I don't know how you should take them but the one thing i do see is the way H is treating you at the moment. Things are going so much better now to awhile ago and he is saying alot more positive things than he was b4 so I would be happy with that at the moment, it is the changes in you that has bought those positives about and he know talks about the M more so it is all good signs. Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully he will come back to you more and more. Like you said concentrate on the Positives and ignore the Negatives....KDU

[yoyogirl]

Thank you everyone for your warnings. I know that I shouldn't be with H just because he doesn't want to be alone. I heard what you are saying ...that he didn't need to learn to fall IN love with OW. Although I don't want to be over-optimistic about all this, but I do see the positive of him recognising that he could learn to fall IN love with me again. It is a conscious decision to WANT to learn, as opposed to shutting off the possibility totally (which was the case 2 months ago). I think alot of these things were also fueled by moi! I was the one that made the comment of the ILYBNIL business a few months back. What I am hearing lately is that he has been repeating what I said to him 4 months ago....so, he did listen (though he was angry, angry, angry then). I thank you all for your concern but I AM treading very very gently. Don't worry about me moving to Country X for H's sake. My parents will be on the TOP of the list to STOP me for making the wrong decisions...as it would involve their grandkids moving...

Journalling...
Last night, H came back after the boys were in bed. I was watching the telly. He was rather chatty...telling me that he bumped into one of his ex-girlfriends blah blah blah. He then went to have his shower and proceeded to our home-office. When I finished with my show, I went to say goodnight and saw him IM-ing and have to say that the first thought that flashed in my mind was him IM-ing OW. Didn't say anything and went to bed. Not long, he came in and mumbled something, and told me to read his mail as he didn't quite understand it. I went to read it, and it was about his moving quota, i.e. how much space if sea-freight and how much if air-freight, and he was IM-ing the HR personnel at Country X about this allocation. I have to say that I was slightly relieved. H came back to our bedroom not long after me. We talked a little bit about the allocation and about his ex-gf again. And don't know what happened and we ended up ML

Next morning, i.e. today. I made a bold move. I decided to text him and asked if he wanted to go out for dinner and movie tmrw night...just the two of us. I have to say that I did wonder if that was a wise move. But then, heck..the worse that can happen would be him saying NO...and that won't kill me. Later, over IM, we communicated about this and he said "OK. Will go on a date with you tomorrow". So, it's set.

H called not long later..H called and said that he was on the way to see a customer and would drop by at my office, and if I could take a break from work to eat a snack with him. Of course I jumped at the chance. We talked abit about son's dental appointment, about my new coworker blah blah blah, and then he brought up the allocation for the move.
H: The shipping is normally done in one move, i.e. whole family moves together. I have asked them to check what can be done in we move in two different times.
Me: I thought the allocation is based on what type of housing you are getting too.
H: Yeah. What exactly in part-furnished?
Me: As the name suggests, I guessed. Partly furnished with some bulky furniture.
H: Let's just say...if you guys move over, are you gonna move all the furniture? You sure want to move the furniture, right? Are we gonna rent out the house?
Me: Well, I suppose we will leave some stuff over here as most things cannot be moved at all..or they will collapse. Plus our sofa's so old that moving it is no point. Also, think can buy quite good wooden furniture in Country X. So, might as well leave most furniture over here.
H: So...rent out the house with all the furniture?
Me: Of course got to store the good pieces.
That was it... H dropped me back at my office.

H called again 5 minutes ago...to talk about getting a purifier of some sort for the boys as the air is kinda bad for the last week. It's so hazy that you can hardly see beyond 100 yards.

So, basically, we have not talked or mentioned about OW since Tuesday night's convo....which is quite good. Am gonna continue to act as-if there is no such person...and to make him see that life with me and the boys can be good after all that's happened. H has promised to look after the boys whole day Saturday (Am going out with ex-college mates). I also have a dinner date planned for Sunday with our mutual friends...

One Day at a TIME!!!

[KimDownUnder]

That's it Yoyo one day at a time. Good on you for suggesting dinner. Yes it was a bold move but not that forward considering how you have been getting along and had he said No and you didn't get upset in front of him I don't see that it would have been a problem. Anyhow he didn't say no so that is good. You have a wonderful dinner and he really does seem to be coming around. Keep acting "as if" and doing your own thing but give him a bit back every now and then too. You are doing really well...KDU

[kaydeekay]

Yoyo...so happy that you and H are having a "date night." I'm sure you are going to be nervous as you were on your first date night with H. How exciting!!! Keep doing whatcha doing, it's working girl.

[kismet]

Yoyo, well done. That would have been scary stuff asking H out. Good on you. Baby steps.

[yoyogirl]

KDK/Kismet - Yes...I am kinda nervous about it all. I have got a discount card at a 5 star hotel - 2 eat for the price of 1 (I know..I know..all this practicality takes the romance out, but I am a mommy/wife ) and I havent' told him about where we gonna have dinner yet. I thought I will hold out not calling or texting him till after lunch time. Yes. I am really really nervous and excited. But at the same time, being a little cautious that he MIGHT call up and cancel. We'll see...will keep you guys updated.

Journalling...
Last night; H was already back in the house when I got home. He was watching FRIENDS on DVD, and I joined him. Nothing much...just watching tv. Then he said he wanted to go out to grab a bite and he went out. I called him not long later to just get me some cinnamon rolls for breakfast. About 15 minutes later, H called :
H: I am in a Hi-Fi shop. Can I spend $$$$$ on some amplifiers and speakers?
Me: Why are you are asking me? Don't you have a set already?
H: That set is for the movies. THis one is for music. I really am hooked.
Me: I don't know. I think it's too much money.

I know I know...BAD DBING. But how would one react? We have loads of debts on our credit card. I texted him and said that I am really sorry to be unsupportive in the purchase, but think that we should clear off old debts before purchasing more big ticket items. H came back not long, and didn't mention anything about the music system..just said that he bought some KFC and is gonna eat it now in front of the telly..... Didn't really talk after that. Went to bed before H.

Next morning, i.e. today... my leg was sort of got kinda close to H, and he did give a leg a soft caress. Was nice Got up and got ready for work. H stayed in bed...said that he will go to work a little later today. We'll see what happens to our date, if it happens. HOpe it happens.

One Day at a TIME!!!