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Don't know what happened to my post...so here is the continuation...

This morning (Sat) ...we had a long long talk again. It was kinda weird. I guessed I did blew the potential positives. H wanted to kiss me and said "let's kiss...havent' kiss you for awhile". But I pulled away, and said something stupid. And that started our long talk. I was swaying from validating to disagreeing with H. I know I know...I blew my DBING. But, I was so yoyo...

H: what is wrong? I am improving right? I am trying very hard. If things don't work out, at least I tried.
Me: You know, most of the WAS would say that. Cause they would use that as an excuse "I tried but it just didn't work out"
H: I won't say trying, then. I am saying I am forcing myself. The fact that I am going away to another country and all... Just give me some time.
Blah blah blah... I know this is against my own better judgement, but I asked about OW again...
Me: What was it that made you soooo in love?
H: I don't know.
Me: Is it something about me that made you run to her?
H: No. And I didn't run to her. I was playing a fool, and then just got attached.
Me: But what was it? Can't be just physical, so, what was it? I need to know ...
H: I don't know. I really don't know. Wouldn't you think that this is a bigger concern for me? That I don't even know why? I swear to god that you are better than her in every single way. She may be slightly slimmer - well, that's because she has never give birth, but you are better than her in every way. I swear to god and at my grandmother's grave.
Me: You are just saying that to make me feel good.
H: You know me, once I swear at my grandmother's grave, I am telling the truth.
Me: She's more attractive...that is why?
H: I said she is slimmer. Not more attractive.
Me: The sex is soooo good?
H: You want to know the truth or the lie?
Me: Of course the truth...I can take it.
H: It is definitely not the sex.
Blah blah blah.....
H: We are not that compatible. She is this and that, and I am this and that. Plus I find that her family background is miles from ours. I can tell you something...even if we don't work out, and I marry her..we will definitely divorce in a few years.
Me: So, you will marry her?
H: Didn't you hear what I said? Don't you see improvements over the last few weeks?
Me: Yes. Yes. But I just don't want you to help me build castles in the air, and then demolish it.
H: Then? WOuld you prefer me to demolish it now, and then help you build it up later?
Me: No...if you fully demolish my castle, then there is no way I want you to build it up. I will burn all our letters..
H: No no....
blah blah...blah( I know this is rather complicated...we are starting to speak in codes....)

H: What's wrong? We were so good the last few days?
Me: Good because I was away?
H: No, before that too.
Me: Maybe all the pent-up emotions....
blah blah blah..

Anyway, he ended up saying again "Our marriage is salvageable, ok? We are okay, Okay? Just give me some time!" Throughout, we were both very very calm. With H finding a lot of my questions amusing and was grinning(though I was tearing). He did say again that "such a good wife is difficult to find..."

Well, we did have breakfast together and had some other talk. H just called me about his car...and I asked if he could pick S5 up from his extra-classes, and he said he would.

I guessed there is nothing much I can do. Just hanging in here. I just have to continue with my DBING and not backslid. I know you guys especially KDU wants to knock on my head for backsliding. I am a pot-ful of confusion emotions.

My goals for the next few months of waiting....
1) Be happy and not think about OW, the A or my M
2) Act As-if (I think this is very important)
3) Validate! Validate! Validate!
4) No more talk about OW (told H that I learned a new word called skank to refer to OW. He was amused!?!)
5) No anger (this is quite easy to do these days...find that we can communicate with no anger)

Okay..I think I should really acknowledge H's positives. I think he wants me to see his positive changes. He's asking "I am improving right? I am spending more time with you and the boys, right? blah blah blah" So, I will acknowledge have to acknowledge him subtly. Not so brazen that he will think that it's so fake. I guessed when he comes back with S5 later. I will thank him for picking S5 up. Really really baby steps. Not on H's part only, but mine too. I would have to take baby steps to reel him in.

One Day at a Time

Staying POSITIVE for ME!!!!


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Journalling...

Nope, didn't get to acknowledge his little help of picking S5 up. H dropped S5 and then was off again, saying that he is getting his car fixed (to be ready for sale) with his friend and will meet us later at the party. We (S8,S5 and I) went to S8's friend's birthday party. H took longer than expected to arrive, and everyone was starting to wonder where he was. When he came, he spent more time smoking outside then sitting inside with his friends. But he did eventually get into the convo, and the big boys planned for a poker game later in the night. H left the party earlier and said that he was going home to shower and watch the telly. We got home not long after that.

H was already sitting comfortably in the TV room, and I mentioned to him that S8 has been complaining about H not playing with him as promised and suggested to H that he should. H said "Oh..I was gonna ask you to join me for a movie". I told H that he should see to his son's needs first, which he did. I was watching the telly myself when H came into our room and was asking all sorts of questions about recipes. Yup...recipes..cause he is planning to cook for himself when he is living alone. This went on for awhile. Then it was time to put the boys to bed which I did. When I came down....H initiated and we ended up ML but immediately after, he washed up and got ready to go out for the poker game at the friend's. H asked me for some money, which I gave and jokingly said "if you lose, you need to repay the loan. But if you win, we split the winnings" and H said "No such thing". Anyway, he came back about 1.30 am...and I asked "who won". He said "I and B. I've put in the $ in your wallet". And went to bed..

Next morning, i.e. today. I had to tell H what I thought about us.
Me: I need to talk. Don't worry. It'll be short. H, you know that I used to say that I can be in a loveless M as long as the boys have a father?
H: You mean now it's changed?
Me: yeah..I've been thinking, since now you are moving to Country X and you are not sure about us. You might or might not ask us along. Or you'll ask us along reluctantly. I want you to be sure of your decision because I don't want to move to a foreign country when there is NO us. I would be miserable and I think the boys will be in a worse position with a miserable mother there. It would be better for me and the boys to be here where I have support and a job. I want you to know that it would not be smooth sailing if you decide to recommit to our M. It will take a lot of hard work on your part. I will give you these few months to think about what you want. And at the end of this period, just let me know which direction you want to go. Okay. Done. Short right?
H: Okay.

I got up and changed and went to my computer. And here I am. H came in and out of the room looking for some of his computer peripherals and was wondering what I was doing. I had to switched to MSN horoscope a couple of times to avoid him seeing my typing in the BB and he did comment "Why are you looking at horoscope? WHy don't you find the cheat tips for the PS2 games for S8?" H came in again
H: Friend is selling his plasma tv for $$. Should we buy it?
Me: I don't need a TV.
H: I mean buy it, and then ship it to Country X.
Me: It's your call, isn't it? I don't need another TV here. Anyway, why is he selling?
H: The woman (his wife) doesn't want him to have it.
Me: Oh..
H: I am going in to work now (yeap..on a Sunday???). I am having lunch with a coworker (he mentioned another name. Not OW) and will be back after that. I will see you at home.
Me: OK

So.....to keep being sane. I will GAL and try to have a PMA while waiting for H's decision about us. Gotta go now...taking the boys out for breakfast and then bowling at the mall.

One Day at a Time

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Hey Yoyo

I want you to be sure of your decision because I don't want to move to a foreign country when there is NO us. I would be miserable and I think the boys will be in a worse position with a miserable mother there.

Your boys would be in a worse position...they would have a lot to adjust to already and would need the help of their strong, and HAPPY mother.

Good on you Yoyo for being honest with H and putting all the cards on the table. H needs to know how important it is that his decision be permanent, b/c you don't want to go thru this again....and in a foreign country to boot. If his head is truly starting to de-fog he will see that you are making a reasonable request from him, yet at the same time giving him time to come to this decision...not asking him to give you an answer tomorrow. So the extra time gives him less pressure, but yet b/c of what you said there is a little pressure there...he can't 'yo-yo' around with you anymore.

In the meantime GAL and PMA! And give yourself some time too!

glj

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Hi Yoyo...I wish things were as positive in my sitch as they are in yours. It sounds like H is really trying. I know you want to be 100 percent sure that he is committed to your M and OW is out of the picture. Really don't have any advice....sounds like your are doing a great job.


M:43
H:37
D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his)
S: 10/2004
Bomb: 2/15/05
In/out of home
Living with OW #4
Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
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glj/KDK - Thanks for your words of encouragement. Frankly, I feel there is not much I can do now other than getting on with my life. GAL, PMA and all...and hopefully, H will come to his senses (clearly!).

Journalling...
Sunday - After H left for work (??), I took boys to the mall for bowling. Left at about 1 pm. On the way home, S8 insisted that he wanted to call dad, and did. Missed call. BUt not long later, H called back. S8 telling H to come back now as he promised to play PS2 with him...blah blah blah..and that we are on the way to McD's to get some lunch. Then S8 passed the line to me.
Me: We are on the way home, but gonna stop by at McD's to get some lunch.
H: Can you get me some chicken too?
Me: I thought you are having lunch with XYZ?
H: Didn't eat lunch. As a matter of fact, am almost home.
Me: Okay

H did come home not long after we did. But went out immediately to get some cigarettes. He came back, and watched a movie with the boys. Then went out to have drinks with his friend. Came back and we talked abit in bed. We were playing a fool abit and then H made a bad bad joke.
H: Oh! I can't do it anymore. I just had sex when I went out.
Me: Turned away...
H: Why are you so angry? It's a joke, okay?
Me: It's a bad bad joke. Even if you didn't do it today. The fact that you've had it before is bad. It hurts like hell. Okay?
H: Who says that I've had had before? That's why I am so sure that she isn't pregnant.
Me: (Quiet)
H: I almost made another bad joke. he he he
Me: (Whacking him!) Idiot!

Anyway, we went out dinner together. H was commenting that if he couldn't sell his car, he would trade it in for a smaller car.
Me: And try to sell the smaller car after that?
H: No...you alternate usage of the car and your company car.
Me: Oh!
I don't know what to make of all this!

This morning, Monday AM. Just before work. We talked about the boys' school holidays and offered for him to take the boys away for a holiday. I didn't say that I would go with him and neither did he. SO, it has been assumed that he would take them himself. I texted him later "I am letting you take the boys away on a holiday in good faith. Pls use this opportunity wisely and not spoil my sons' innocence by bringing her along. Thanks!" I have not got a reply from him yet.

I know that KDU's gonna knock my head. But as far as I am concerned, nothing really has changed. He still isn't sure about US. I really don't want to have my castles being built so high in the air that when it crumbles, I will be devastated. As it is now, I find myself building all these castles and it is really scary if it tumbles now. So, I might as well not build any for the time being.

I will REALLY REALLY have to continue with my GAL and PMA. Lately, my GAL is not that successful...

One Day at A TIME!!!

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Yoyo don't sound so scared of me it's all done with love.
Now stop beating yourself up none of these sitch's are good and we all flounder at times and who know's what is right and wrong all we can do is our best and most of the time you are doing that. I have listened to your advice on the OW about ignoring them and I have pretty much done that but I validate my H about her and be understanding as much as it hurts me. Now I read in one of your posts that you said to H he has to do alot of work to fix the M. Wouldn't it have been better to have said we need to do a lot of work to fix the M. I have realised that my H seeked solace in someone else b/c I wasn't giving him what he needed at home (No I am not talking about s#x) I didn't listen to him enough, didn't make him feel important, didn't give him enough time and didn't take alot of what he said seriously. It has taken me about 6 months to realise that if he was happy with me at home he would not have fallen to OW. So like it says you have to accept 100% of your errors in the 50% that is yours to take blame of.
We have to say what they need to hear but we have to mean it too. So all I am saying is if we look at ourselves we can try and work out where we can change and then implement those changes to ourselves and then work on the M.
I don't know if this makes sense to you but it is what I realised I had to do in my sitch. Yoyo keep going as your H is truly showing signs that he wants to fix this. Don't let something you may want to hear or a way you expect him to act stop your M being all it can be as maybe your H will never do and say what you want but does it really matter if your M is worthing saving and he wants to do it. My H is not a big romantic and that is something i always wanted him to be but now I realise I have to stop expecting him to be what I want and accept him being who he is as I love him for him and shouldn't want him to change and it is only our time apart that has made me realise I still want him in my life just the way he is....I hope this helps you and I am not going to kick your butt as we all have to deal with our sitch the way we see fit. I am here to support you and to understand you and truly I do understand its really hard but you will luck on to what is right for you. KDU


"FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT!!"(quote:Anna)
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Kim - I hear you. I guessed many times, I am the one who ASSumed things are gonna be bad and then expect it to be bad. Or expecting more when I already have some positives. It's like 2 months ago, he was angry, angry, angry. And now, he's like more open to communication and calm; and yet I am expecting him to be fully-commited, which he is not ready. I do realise that these things need time. And I really really have to be contented with the baby steps that I see. Why can't I just compare with 2 months ago when he was so adamant that he wanted to leave? And that she is sooo great? Think I will re-read DR tonight to get my act together, be contented with the baby steps, continue with DBING, hope and pray for the best.

Journalling..
Last night, H came back when I was already in bed. H leaned over me and asked if I was ok. And said "maybe I'll bring the boys to the beach for the school holidays. You coming along?" I kept quiet, and then he went off to have his shower.

Later... I sort of asked him a question about him leaving for country X and when the movers are coming. We talked abit about all sorts and then H started talking about OW.
H: To be honest. These last 2-3 weeks, was the first time that I started comparing you with OW. I find that there are alot of things not compatible. I had an argument with her few days back. It was something about style and taste. Told you she bought a house, right? I told her about the type of kitchen that I liked. And she said "Not nice!". I was pretty insulted and started scolding her. And then there were the curtains. She wanted to put up day curtains on wooden rails and I told her not right. And she argued with me. I mean, you and my taste are more in line. You are right...the last 8,9 10 months whatever..maybe the honeymoon time. And now, honeymoon is over and reality is setting in. That is why I am thinking more about her and I, and how incompatible we are. So, philosophically, you were right. You are always right.
Blah blah blah.
H: I love her, but we are incompatible. That's why I say this move to Country X is good for me. To think. I also love you. It's not that I don't love you. I know I'll crawl back to you eventually. And I need to do it before we head to the D courts. So, this move to Country X is good for me.
Blah blah blah..
We did ML and continued to talk after that. He made fun of me, and then asked what will you do? When I move to Country X? Are you gonna use a toy? Blah blah blah.
We talked abit about the big D? Which is not yet in the cards. More of a separation if things don't work out....separation of 2 years??

H: I feel like it's a good start. Me being more open, talking to you about OW blah blah blah. I don't know about you. But I feel it's good that I am talking to you about this.

Anyway, I hugged him and playfully said "Hey, it's me, okay...not her" (This was to refer to one time few months back when I hugged him and he thought I was her and said ILY) and I LOL. He said "B!tch" in a playful way and then said "You mean I told you that?".
Me: Yeap! Stupid. Don't you think?
H: Yeap! Quite stupid...I have to say.

It was kinda late ...2.30 am and we went to bed. I gave him a peck on his cheek. Last night was okay I guessed. BABY STEPS!!! I have to compare with 2 months back and not my goals...to see the improvements.

But this morning...he was kinda grouchy. WOnder if its because of insufficient sleep? Sent him an email...asking him a few things about boys and all. No reply yet....

Ppl - What do you see? Positives?

One Day at a TIME!!!!

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Yoyo I definately see positives. He is being open and honest with you which is a good place to start. I know you don't like talking about OW but he is telling you how he feels and you are looking good in all these talks, so I think if he wants to speak to you about it, validate, validate, validate at least it is opening the lines of communication. I bet when he speaks to OW she doesn't want to hear anything about you so you will be coming across as much more understanding. I feel he is definately coming back to you more and more and he is starting to see his side of your problems. I feel he is definately trying to mend bridges with you so keep up the good work you have great positives at the moment.....KDU


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Kim - Thanks. One thing that is bothering me...As H is leaving for Country X soon, I have repeatedly said that we should minimise contact between the two of us, and would communicate over the boys only. And when he comes back to visit the boys, he should stay in the hotel. Now, I think back. I think that was kinda stupid of me, isn't it? It's against DBING. H also asked "why? Don't you think that it would be good if I call and IM you when I am away? Don't you think that would help us in our situation?" Now, I think of it. Yeah...it would be in my favour isn't it? How stupid of me. I think I should remedy this sitch subtly before H goes off. Stupid Yoyo! Stupid Yoyo! Okay!!! I need to stop kicking myself and change tactics now...I think I should conform to the DBING techniques and not modify anything for the time being....

One Day at a TIME!!!

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Kim - Thanks. One thing that is bothering me...As H is leaving for Country X soon, I have repeatedly said that we should minimise contact between the two of us, and would communicate over the boys only. And when he comes back to visit the boys, he should stay in the hotel. Now, I think back. I think that was kinda stupid of me, isn't it? It's against DBING. H also asked "why? Don't you think that it would be good if I call and IM you when I am away? Don't you think that would help us in our situation?" Now, I think of it. Yeah...it would be in my favour isn't it? How stupid of me. I think I should remedy this sitch subtly before H goes off. Stupid Yoyo! Stupid Yoyo! Okay!!! I need to stop kicking myself and change tactics now...I think I should conform to the DBING techniques and not modify anything for the time being....

One Day at a TIME!!!

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