Don't know what happened to my post...so here is the continuation...
This morning (Sat) ...we had a long long talk again. It was kinda weird. I guessed I did blew the potential positives. H wanted to kiss me and said "let's kiss...havent' kiss you for awhile". But I pulled away, and said something stupid. And that started our long talk. I was swaying from validating to disagreeing with H. I know I know...I blew my DBING. But, I was so yoyo...
H: what is wrong? I am improving right? I am trying very hard. If things don't work out, at least I tried. Me: You know, most of the WAS would say that. Cause they would use that as an excuse "I tried but it just didn't work out" H: I won't say trying, then. I am saying I am forcing myself. The fact that I am going away to another country and all... Just give me some time. Blah blah blah... I know this is against my own better judgement, but I asked about OW again... Me: What was it that made you soooo in love? H: I don't know. Me: Is it something about me that made you run to her? H: No. And I didn't run to her. I was playing a fool, and then just got attached. Me: But what was it? Can't be just physical, so, what was it? I need to know ... H: I don't know. I really don't know. Wouldn't you think that this is a bigger concern for me? That I don't even know why? I swear to god that you are better than her in every single way. She may be slightly slimmer - well, that's because she has never give birth, but you are better than her in every way. I swear to god and at my grandmother's grave. Me: You are just saying that to make me feel good. H: You know me, once I swear at my grandmother's grave, I am telling the truth. Me: She's more attractive...that is why? H: I said she is slimmer. Not more attractive. Me: The sex is soooo good? H: You want to know the truth or the lie? Me: Of course the truth...I can take it. H: It is definitely not the sex. Blah blah blah..... H: We are not that compatible. She is this and that, and I am this and that. Plus I find that her family background is miles from ours. I can tell you something...even if we don't work out, and I marry her..we will definitely divorce in a few years. Me: So, you will marry her? H: Didn't you hear what I said? Don't you see improvements over the last few weeks? Me: Yes. Yes. But I just don't want you to help me build castles in the air, and then demolish it. H: Then? WOuld you prefer me to demolish it now, and then help you build it up later? Me: No...if you fully demolish my castle, then there is no way I want you to build it up. I will burn all our letters.. H: No no.... blah blah...blah( I know this is rather complicated...we are starting to speak in codes....)
H: What's wrong? We were so good the last few days? Me: Good because I was away? H: No, before that too. Me: Maybe all the pent-up emotions.... blah blah blah..
Anyway, he ended up saying again "Our marriage is salvageable, ok? We are okay, Okay? Just give me some time!" Throughout, we were both very very calm. With H finding a lot of my questions amusing and was grinning(though I was tearing). He did say again that "such a good wife is difficult to find..."
Well, we did have breakfast together and had some other talk. H just called me about his car...and I asked if he could pick S5 up from his extra-classes, and he said he would.
I guessed there is nothing much I can do. Just hanging in here. I just have to continue with my DBING and not backslid. I know you guys especially KDU wants to knock on my head for backsliding. I am a pot-ful of confusion emotions.
My goals for the next few months of waiting.... 1) Be happy and not think about OW, the A or my M 2) Act As-if (I think this is very important) 3) Validate! Validate! Validate! 4) No more talk about OW (told H that I learned a new word called skank to refer to OW. He was amused!?!) 5) No anger (this is quite easy to do these days...find that we can communicate with no anger)
Okay..I think I should really acknowledge H's positives. I think he wants me to see his positive changes. He's asking "I am improving right? I am spending more time with you and the boys, right? blah blah blah" So, I will acknowledge have to acknowledge him subtly. Not so brazen that he will think that it's so fake. I guessed when he comes back with S5 later. I will thank him for picking S5 up. Really really baby steps. Not on H's part only, but mine too. I would have to take baby steps to reel him in.
