Kim - Thanks...but somehow yesterday floodgates were opened and we had a long long R talk in 3 separate occasions.
So, this is a loooong post.
Well, H was having dinner and we started talking about finances and that led to talk about us, our R, our M... The 3 separate occasions were 1) during and after dinner, 2) while showering 3) bedtime. Can't remember what came first but our convo started off something like that..
H: Would $$ be enough to pay for the investments? Me: Should be. You are so generous to pay for these? H: Well, if it doesn't work out between us,..we can split them. When I go to Country X, it would be a trial separation for us....blah blah blah.... Me: I may have to go to Country X for a work trip. H: When? Do you think you could extend a few days to go look for a house? Me: Why? You are not even sure that you want us to go with you. And you are talking about separation... Blah blah blah.... Blah blah blah... H: You know I am trying very hard to end it. We are both finding it difficult. But You know I am trying, right? With this new job and all. Don't you see the improvement in me? Few months ago, I won't even consider us. Me: Yes, I acknowledge your improvements. I do see that you are not so angry now. But I don't want to be hopeful of us being together and at the end of the day, we won't. H: What about if I say ALL of us move over next week. I give you the movers number and you all can start packing. Me: But you are not even sure about us. H: Yes, I can tell you I am not 100% sure, but perhaps with you all with me in Country X, it will force me to accept and try harder. Me: Well, we can't. Boys' school and all. Plus I won't want to - if you are not sure. I don't want us to move over there, and at the end of the day, you say hey I want her. And we (boys and I) have to come all the way back. Blah blah blah..... H: All I asking is for you to trust me one more time to make things right. Blah blah blah...
At one point, I did ask him what was it that made him so attracted to OW ( I know I shouldn't acknowledge OW - going against my own advice but I had to ask...). Me: What was it that made breaking-up so hard? Is it shared values? Shared interests? Shared goals? H: I don't know. But no...it's not shared interest. I find that you and I have more common interest. Me: Surely there must be something...can't be just physical attraction. H: I don't know...shared goal? I don't know..We did share the idea of starting a family. Me: You DO have a family. H: I know... Me: Is it that she is a good listener? and all? H: No..I don't know. (I know that I sound like the Spanish Inquisition...)
In one part of our convo: H: I know one thing for sure...if our M breaks up and we have a D, I will not be with OW. Me: But wouldn't that be a "waste"? If our M breaks up, it would be because of OW. H: I don't know. But I know that for sure that I won't be with OW. I didn't ask further....
Yes, he finally admitted that he was with OW on his birthday. I told him that he might as well tell me the truth because I am tooooo smart. He said "Yeah...I know. I know you are smart".
Another part of our convo: Me: If we do get a D. I don't want it to be ugly. I will be civil but I can't be your friend. H: You mean no f*&k f*&k or s&*k s&*k or l*&k l*&k? Me: Of course not!
Another part of our convo: Me: You said that you were so sure about OW a couple of months back. Why didn't you leave then? H: No, I was never REALLY sure. Reason that I wasn't hasty then was to give myself some time to cool down. To be able to think straight. These last 2 weeks away has made me think things a lot. I can tell you that couple of months back, I would tell you that I would marry her because of my strong emotions. But now, I am sure that if we don't work out, I won't end up with her. I also had some talk with few coworkers that had shared some insight. I have to say that the timing of their talk was right. I probably wouldn't have heard a word two months ago. They said that such a good wife is hard to find. Me: Perhaps you don't want a wife? Maybe she is just a tool to get rid of your wife?
Our talk was punctuated with me tearing but in a calm way....No shouting, no screaming, no anger. H was very calm throughout our convo. Our convo ended with him giving me a pat on my leg and said "Trust me one last time to make things right" which was nice in a way.
Anyway, it's another day. Today is S8's actual birthday. So, we are gonna meet for dinner.
He said "Yeah...I know. I know you are smart". 
