Locked out from previous thread...and is continuing here.
This is gonna be a long one...
Friday, after the 1st morning telephone call to inform me that he is back in town (in my last post), H called me about half past noon. He said that he had been trying to call me a few times, but it went to the voice mail (I think the service is kinda bad at my work desk) and he wanted to ask if I wanted to go for lunch, but since he missed me, he was home already. I couldn't meet him for lunch anyway as I had an important meeting and told him so.
At lunch with my coworker, H called me again, telling me that he bought lots of CDs at his trip and for the first time for a long long time, he is sitting in our TV room and listening to his CDs and then he said "I think the old H is coming back". I calmly replied "that's good to hear.." and then our convo ended.
At about 6 pm, H called again informing me that he is out with a friend playing pool...
When I got back home, he was tired and jet-lagged and told me that he would sleep in the guest room and I said OK. No, I was not upset or anything. But he lounged a bit in our bedroom and talked abit about the contract, his trip and our sitch. It was all calm as the boys were in the room. Our convo went something like this (but not exactly in order): H: Just to tell you that I signed the amended contract already. We'll see in 6 months, if you and the boys will join me. Me: (Quiet or with a nod, or with an "Ok") H: Coworker P asked if I am leaving because of the thing. Me: Huh? You mean? H: Yeah..quite a number of ppl know. I told him that I am not leaving because of that. Coworker P said "you've f*&ked her, blah blah blah, must go back to the family for sure. Heck, I've done it myself..blah blah blah", and then he said "hey keep quiet now" as his wife walked passed us. LOL Me: (Quiet, nod or with an OK with a chuckle) H: In any ways, I am not admitting to anything, ok? Told him about what I am getting blabh blah blah...
SO, H told me all this as-if I am really his friend. (Geez..but surprisingly I didn't react or get any pangs in my heart) Then he said "Hey, if at the end of the year, we are okay, maybe we all should go to New York". I rolled my eyes and rolled out of bed and off to the bathroom (was gonna shower...). And H came in and asked "Why are you so angry?". I said "I'm not!". And then started fondling and then we ended up doing all sorts in the bathroom... But unfortunately neither of us finish as S5 was shouting "Dad! Dad!" (well, boys were in my bedroom, remember??) and that was a mood killer, and worst...S5 came and knocked on the toilet door....and that was really really a mood killer. So, that was it on our session... And H went to bed in the guestroom...
But later in the night...(he was jet-lagged plus I don't know why I was awakened) he came back into the bedroom, asked if I was awake, and then came by to hug me, and then initiated ML. We did finish this time. Later, he said he was hungry and I made him an ommlette and he asked if I wanted to watch "Hitched" with him. I said "Ok" and we watched the whole movie together. It was no lovey-dovey between us. I was on the couch and he was lounging on the floor...but it was the first time that both of us actually watched a movie together without the kids. But, I think the movie is kinda funny.... It was nice.. Went to bed after the movie (separate rooms again though...)
This morning, went to YOGA and then was at my mom's. Forgot to turn my phone back from silent and had so many missed calls from H. He finally called my mom's house. Nothing much...he was just telling me about the works that need to be done on his car...
Later, we took the boys out to the mall, banked the boys into the play area. H went to look at electronics on his own...I thought he would take a while, but he called me pretty quick. Waited for him and we met up...and H continued to tell me about the type of houses that he would be renting in his new job. Our convo: H: Whether you guys join me or not, I will rent a place big enough for us, and near to the International School. Me: (Quiet, or a nodd or "OK") H: Whatever it is, I am getting a pool table.. Me: You sure you will really play? Blah blah blah H: Yes I will,... my pool table, wine chiller..parties, in my bachelor pad... Me: (Rolling eyes again...) Well, as long as you don't get anything nasty... H: Hey...I am a sentimental guy, I won't...?! ( can't really remember what he said) Then somewhere along the lines...I sort of praised myself..and he teased "like me? hAre you saying that I have something good and don't even know it? " and I said "Maybe..." and kept it at that.
Then he went to get something to eat, and I was Q-ing to pay for my purchases. Met him about 5 minutes later. He ate and I just sat there waiting...and he went on about his convo with his coworker P again. H: Coworker P asked "Can be alive to go back or not?" Me: Huh? H: He said "Can be alive after all this or not? F&*K her already and all, can go back to family or not?" and I told him yes. He also said "Such a good wife, very difficult to find!" (he was grinning...) Me: You do realise you are telling your wife, you know? H: I know! At least I am telling you. Me: (Quiet and calm and then went on to ask him about dinner blab blah blah). We hung around the mall for a bit longer, and then went to get the boys and headed home.
H was in our home office, printing out his contract. All four of us were in the same room..boys were helping out to pack the party packs while H was fiddling at the computer and printer. It was nice to have all four of us in a room... Then H headed out to hand-deliver the contract. He was back after an hour and complained that he couldn't find the address and only found it after calling the person.
We had a family dinner...which was again kinda nice. In fact he's in bed now..in the guest room. BOys are still all over the place. H's biological clock is all sc@#wed up!!
I know in our convos, I sound like a dumbo... either nodding, or being quiet or with the occasional OK. Really don't want to say too much.... I am still a bit cautious and approaching our sitch very very carefully. ALthough I must admit that there are POSITIVES!!
ONE DAY AT A TIME....% Trying to Stay POSITIVE for ME!!!
There are definately some postives happening in your sitch...especially your H informing you about everything he is doing. Ok--he goes a bit too far when he repeats what his coworker says ( my H has done similar things like tell me gossip on who else's M is falling apart or who's cheating on who...talking to me like a friend and him not realizing the similarities between the sitch's and that I don't want to be reminded ).
Just be careful...it seems H just wants to jump back in where he left off...even the coworkers comment that you're a good wife b/c 'you'll just take him back'. Maybe that would happen easily if H wasn't going to a foreign country. But the fact that he is, and u might not join him until 6 months later...could actually be a good thing?? Defiantely will give him a chance to miss u more, but maybe it will also help him to think more about what he's done. I kinda believe until the WASs really start to grasp why they did what they did, the M cannot go forward in a healthy way.
But I'm glad for u that in a way you have your H 'back'. That is the first step. Now comes the hard work.
glj - Although things seem to be going the direction where he is planning for the family, I am still a bit reserved. I mean I want to be happy and all, but after what's happened, I don't know if it is true that he wants to save the M... I have to be patient and take things one day at a time. I cannot ASK him if his R with OW is over yet until I am confident that it is going that direction. There is no point in asking him to commit to M, really break-off with OW, tell me all his future plans with the family...etc etc, when he is not ready to do so. If I do it now, it will be somewhat pursuing and that may make him think that he has made a mistake. So far, I hear him talking to our ppl about future plans that included us. I really want him to ADMIT that he is wrong and sorry and all, but I really think now is not the time. I don't want to bring it up if he is not ready to talk. Also, he has not yet left his present company. So, if he feels that I am pressuring him, he might feel the need to run to her for comfort? No, H's coworker's M is not breaking up or in any trouble....it was just men's talk about "flings". He will probably leave for his new job in one month's time. Yes...I agree...it's hard work all the waayy...
Journalling... Sunday...woke up early, and took boys over to my parent's house (S8's party was over at my parents' as they have a large garden for the party). Didn't really speak to H as he slept in. About 12 pm. Took boys to meet H at the salon for their hair cuts. After that, H went home for a shower and only came over to my parents' house at about 1.30 pm, proceeded to greet my parents. Think he was a bit scared that my dad will bite his head off. but, no, he didn't. H then set up the Star-Wars game console on the TV for the boys, and then proceeded to sit on the sofa and then commented "I think I havent' sat on this sofa for a year!" (Well, one year is abit of over-exaggeration...but it was a long time) Then H's friends came over and they chatted ...blah blah blah. The party was quite a blast..and it did make a whole big mess...Anyway, H left about 4.30 pm to go home. Said he was still jet-lagged. I got home about 7.30 pm and H - bleary eyed said that he just woke up. H then proceeded to watch the telly... and when I was ready for bed, we had a short convo: H: Anyone talked about me? Me: Not really. H: Why? Are they fed-up? I am sure they did... Me: Well, they did ask me how I was, as they were concerned about me..Just told them that you are moving to a job overseas... H: Did they ask if she (OW) is going or not? Me: No. They are concerned about me...no mention of her. Anyway, pls don't tell me. I don't want to know...Good Night. I have to say that I didn't feel very happy or optimistic about our sitch at this point of the night. H then proceeded to leave our bedroom, but then turned back to give me a peck on my forehead. And all I said in return was "Good Night".
At about 4 am...H sort of gave me a weird hug...not really a real hug, more of a caress. And we ended up having s@x. I am still using the "word" s@x because we have proceeded to REAL intimacy of ML .... And then, we went back to bed..Needless to say, this morning we were at a frantic rush to get ready for work....
So far, no phone calls or texts from H yet.....
One Day at a Time. Trying to Stay POSITIVE for ME!
Yoyo well it does sound positive from H's responses and all but I agree take each day as it comes as they really do go up and down don't they. I must say you are handling the whole sitch beautifully alot better than when he was away.....Keep up the good work Yoyo and my fingers are still crossed for you and glad to see you are still getting your action Keep us updated....KDU
Kim - Thanks for dropping by. I know that you are really "biting your nails" while waiting for H's decision. It will be at least a week from now, correct? I know how the WASs can bounce up and down like a YOYO too...and should take one day at a time. I just have to remember to ACT consciously and NOT REACT, and to always keep my cool. So far, things are quite positive.
I know I shouldn't pursue...but did casually IM H. Started off casually asking him if he got the sample resignation letter that he requested I email to him. And he said YES and he's already send it in. And then said the company tried to make him change his mind, and then he wrote "you know me, right? That once I made my decision, I will not change it". I wonder if that means that he is also made his decision to recommit to the M. He didn't say it though.... I was telling him about my upset stomach and needed to whine abit like S5. He called me later and asked me about my stomach and what it was that I wanted to whine about... And laughed when I said "I already did". H just forwarded me an email that he sent to his new company..."As communicated, my family is planning to join me early next year."
I just want to make an observation about your H. It seemed like H was very curious to know if he was 'talked about' after he had left your parents house. My H has asked in the past if my family has said anything about him when I talk to them on the phone...my parents actually don't bring H up, usually I do...so i tell him that they don't say anything.
What I'm trying to get at is that although your H is married to you, not your family, the family may be an obstacle in your H making a decision to come back to the M. You may be able to forgive but the family may not....and H might be afraid of that...that he will never be accepted back IN, like it was before. I KNOW this is my H's biggest fear b/c he always felt that they judged him ( they didn't ) and now they have more reason not to like him. But in H's R talk on Friday...when talking about visiting Evan ( if I'm still living at my parents place ) H said something like " I married you, not them "...meaning no one will stop him from seeing his child...yet he also added a scenario..." When I come to your city ( H has no family there ) I'll probably take a hotel room near you ( my parents place ) and you can bring Evan by "....you see...he's says he's not 'married' to them and acts all tough, but he's afraid to come to their house to see his own son, or me.
I don't know...it's just an observation...and maybe one reason why H is slow to make a decision.
I don't really have anything to add as far as advice-wise goes but it sounds as though you know what to do. Here's the old cliche' Patience, patience, patience. That's the hardest thing for me to learn . You are smart to take it one day at a time. I predict that once H moves overseas, settles in to his new surroundings and job, and has some alone time he'll have you and there boys there sooner than expected .
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
I typed out my this current post before reading glj/KDK's post...so, I'll paste it in first...
I made a typing mistake in my last post….the part that I mentioned about H and I having s@x and not ML. Well, what it should have said is that we have NOT reached the intimacy level of ML.
Don’t know if it’s the PMS working or what. I am feeling kinda down today. I am starting to feel emotional and all. Plus my stomach cramps are not helping either… I posted at glj’s thread yesterday that I shouldn’t/won’t want to ask H if he is really gonna recommit to the M.. But today, I am dying to ask that question. In my head, I know it is NOT a good move but I think at this point in time, my impatience is getting the better of me. No, I have not asked it. Am trying to control the urge to ask the question as it may be my PMS making me think of all the negatives. Can anybody share some thoughts about my sitch? Do you think it is really positives that I am seeing or I am delusional? Now, I am asking myself….”Is it true that things are looking up? Or am I just too blind to see? Is H going for that overseas posting because he wants to break-up from OW and start refocusing on the M? Or Is it that he wants to break-away from the family and have OW over with him?” I mean whilst he is over there, OW can fly over there and be with him over the weekends. Can someone on this board tell me….Is my PMS playing tricks on my mind, or are there really positives?
Last night, my home telephone bill came and I saw that H had called OW just before he left for his trip…the call lasted about 8 seconds. I guessed that may be the trigger that made my mood go whack. H came back from work about 8 pm. We had a short chat for about 10 minutes…about his resignation letter and about the coworker’s reactions. His immediate superior and the HR asked if it was because of “that” that he was leaving, and he answered no. And they asked him to reconsider his decision, and he said “You know me, once I made my decision, I won’t change it”. After that, H showered and went to the TV room. He slept in the guest room again. He was fumbling in our bedroom sometime in the middle of the night and I sort of heard him say “woke up from sleep”… I wonder..Is he sleeping in the guest room because he is still jetlagged and didn’t want to disturb me in the night? Or he just doesn’t want to be near me?
The next morning, i.e this morning H came into our bedroom and announced “Wakey! Wakey!” and then came to lie on our bed for like 10 seconds, and then jolted up to go wash-up for work.. He got dressed and then did come and give my b**bs some attention, and then said “Gotta go to work now! Bye!” and heard him tell the boys “go disturb mommy”…..and he was out of the door.
Well, I texted him after I washed up and just listed a few tasks that he needed to take care of…bills and such. No reply yet...
glj - My parents have not really said anything much about him. I mean no-one has been mean to him. But I guessed my sisters feel abit awkward...not nasty but just not as close and fun as before. Of course things won't be the same ever...
KDK - Thanks for reminding me about the part of "Patience, Patience, Patience" As you can see in my post above, my PMS is wearing my patience... My head tells me to be patient and just to see and enjoy the positives..but my "wall" of emotions wants to protect ME and to ensure that H is COMMITTED. I think I better get myself busy busy busy and try not to talk to H too much...to avoid from asking stupid questions or demanding stuff. I REALLY need to focus on the GOALS....SO, here it is.
1) Act AS-IF. 2) Do not let my PMS emotions overwhelm me. It will pass in a few days. 3) Keep BUSY (but what? Luckily I am going away on Thurs and Friday for a work trip....) 4) FOCUS on the BIG picture and not the petty details 5) Do not focus on the negatives. Do not be pessimistic 6) Keep calm. 7) Do not REACT!!!
Okay, now I am calm....(just this stupid cramp of mine is driving me nuts...Oh..when I told H about my cramps, he said "you are not pregnant, are you? I just answered "don't think so")
One Day at a Time Trying to Stay POSIITVE for ME!!!!
Hi Yoyo glad to see you calmed yourself down. Now as for your sitch I think it is going along nicely and your H is definately not over your M that stands out like dogs balls. I wonder sometimes when he says things if he is waiting for a positive answer from you but that could be my LBS syndrome kicking in and I would hate to give you bad advice. You have to follow your instince sometimes but can i just point out when you have been successfully DBing you get positive reactions from H when you backslide and start getting mad you see negative reactions from H so I would say DBing is working well for you. Patience is something we all have to have in this situations and not many of us have it.....My only suggestion is if H brings up you and the boys joining him maybe try and open the conversation with Look you have mentioned that before but i really don't know what you are saying when you mention that and I dont want to take it the wrong way so if you would like to discuss that possibility I am certainly open to hearing your thoughts on it. That way you don't say what you want until he does....Just a way of getting him to tell you what he would like and for him to know you are interested in hearing him out but not letting him know how you feel about it until you hear his side.......Don't know if it will work but something to think about..... Over on Anna's thread you mentioned you were going to learn to shut your mouth, don't do this if it is not required I think all you have to do is validate your H a bit more, let him know you understand his problems when he tells you them so he may feel more inclined to open up even more to you.......KDU
and then we ended up doing all sorts in the bathroom... 
And H went to bed in the guestroom...
but, no, he didn't. H then set up the Star-Wars game console on the TV for the boys, and then proceeded to sit on the sofa and then commented "I think I havent' sat on this sofa for a year!" (Well, one year is abit of over-exaggeration...but it was a long time) Then H's friends came over and they chatted ...blah blah blah. The party was quite a blast..and it did make a whole big mess...Anyway, H left about 4.30 pm to go home. Said he was still jet-lagged. I got home about 7.30 pm and H - bleary eyed said that he just woke up. H then proceeded to watch the telly... and when I was ready for bed, we had a short convo:
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