I am fine. My H behavior and reactions to the anwers I was giving were so controlled last night and odd for him that it just set my nerves on overdrive. His behavior reminded me of how he behaved last year right before he just sorta went off and made my life living hell and unsafe for months when I tryed to leave. I think I reacted more to that. He really did not threaten me last night or go all bad ass on me which for him hearing what he does not want to hear is a total 180 which raised suspision in me. oddly had he of want all bad ass I doubt I would have felt as threatened or leary of him. Oddly I did tell my H about 3 months ago when I addressed his abuse that I would no longer tolerate being threatened. And he did not threaten me for a change in any way shape or form. Maybe he heeded my words. But it will take some time for me to not respond in fear in the future and not percieve a form of threat from just past experiences. Or maybe this was a one shot deal as to not threatening me who knows. I about jumped out of my skin this morning when I awoke to him leaning over my and all he was doing was bending down to give me a kiss before he left.
What I said yesterday about how I feel was not me looking for a reason to stay or go guys. It was about me being truthful and saying there is no need to keep looking in every nook and cranny for a reason as to why, why I do not feel this why I do not react this way. Why I do not feel this or that. We all are looking for reasons be it why we are LD why our spouse is LD why we stay what got us here. I am simply owning up to my part of how I got here. And why I am LD in this relationship and how I feel about things. Now is about stop fruitlessly searching for hidden meanings and what ifs and figuring out where to go from here. And how to learn better coping skills for in the future.
I doubt my sitch is unique though it may have a few different curves. I am sure there are alot of people who like myself got pregnant early on in a relationship where no future had been in the plan. And choose that path. I am sure alot of those relationships lead right to were I am when the kids get older the relationship seems ill founded. Lacks any substance other then the children.
Blackfoot mentioned something about arranged marriages and how they work. InnerJourney mentions that she has the same circumstances of a H that does not fit into what she finds attractive in a male but works around it. So giving up is not my only alternative. I plan to stick around on the board and continue to understand some of his behavior and some of my own. Just don't feel there will be a great need to jog down memory lane in the future because I have established and accepted the whys and hows of how I got here. Maybe now I can focus more on the what to do nows and how to fix it.
