Quote: Everybody deserves someone who can love them for who they are not who they can be molded into. I have not implied other wise
I think the fact that you stay with him when you don't want to be with him implies otherwise. Walk the talk. If you really believe everyone deserves someone who can love them, and you do not love him... how are you doing him a favor by staying? Yeah, he says he wants only you. But YOU know better... you know he is not getting the kind of love he deserves (if you believe everyone deserves it), and you're not getting the love you deserve either.
I see you looking to rationalize a reason to stay in an unfulfilling R. So far, and yes I do know where you are coming from BTDT, choosing to stay in your sitch makes no sense. You think you are being kind to him, you're not. You think he's in happy camper land? That's for now. Eventually you are going to become so discontented in your sitch, it's going to become very apparant to your H and things are going to blow...it's merely a matter of time if you resign yourself to the role you are contemplating.
You've already stated...if you were out of the pic your H finds a substitute for you. No, maybe not you physically...but a substitute...this should be telling you something in a BIG way.
If you leave...he will move on and you can too.
Here's a question for you. You have lots of issues you admit you need to work on, and you are in an unhealthy (somewhat dysfunctional) R right now, how do you plan on dealing with your issues while in this sitch?
It also appears to me that you don't think YOU can do better, or deserve better. You do, EVERYONE deserves to be happy and right now I can tell you he will be happy...maybe not immediately, but he will move on and be happy and you can too. I can guarantee you you can find a fulfilling R, but you have to allow yourself to
Perhaps...just perhaps a separation is what you both need.
Truth is A. I am in a relationship where I am loved but not for who I am. B. Though I know it is not fair to him I am not going to get the [censored] knocked out of me for doing what I feel is in his best interest. Until he sees it that way I am not putting myself in harms way by trying to do what is best for him BTDT. C. Even while he was subsituting me in the household he was harrassing the hell out of me. So that still equals no happiness all around.
I am not doing him any favors. I am wide open stating that. Have never denied that the reality is I have done him a discredit in the past. My misery may be my repentence who knows. If I go with my belief of everything happens for a reason. That makes sense. But by excepting my mistakes and not shucking my responsibilitys to others and there feelings maybe just maybe the reasons will become clear and something will become of it all. Who knows.
You think he's in happy camper land? That's for now. Eventually you are going to become so discontented in your sitch, it's going to become very apparant to your H and things are going to blow...it's merely a matter of time if you resign yourself to the role you are contemplating.
This is a BTDT for me the becoming so discontent when I was in my depression stage. And though yes my unhappiness was apparent to all except H. My trying to leave is what made this apparent to him. But it has changed nothing. As long as I am here he is content again I recant it matters not what form of me is here. Vivacouis Chris or despondent Chris he is content and looks no further. I am here that is all that matters.
You've already stated...if you were out of the pic your H finds a substitute for you
Yes for the things life teaches you. Indepence and decision making. Taking care of the kids and so forth. He would rather just hand all that over to someone else then experience them himself just let someone else decide it all. I do not understand this aspect of him it is like he is afriad to try to do for himself.
Here's a question for you. You have lots of issues you admit you need to work on, and you are in an unhealthy (somewhat dysfunctional) R right now, how do you plan on dealing with your issues while in this sitch?
I think the issues are going to have to be dealt with the same way regaurdless. By staying in the marriage I have to face them if I was not in the marriage I would not have to. At least for a long while. I do not see myself running out and getting entwined in another relationship for some time if this marriage was to end. (Not meaning this in a negative way).
It also appears to me that you don't think YOU can do better, or deserve better.
I really do not know if this is a yes I can do better or deserve better or no I cannot and do not issue with me. I really do not look at it in that light.
My H is not a terrible person he is just not the right person for me. I am not a terrible person just not the right person for him IMO.
I sometimes look at others situations on this board and people I knows life and think I am just a ungreatful selfish bitkh. I have no problems of not feeling wanted or desired I have no drunken raging H. I have no something else takes priority over me issues. I have no H that stays in the bars and gives me disease after disease. I have no H is selfish and spends relentlessly on himself or even the he is a lazy bum that does not work and lives of of me issues. Its not like I even have he does not help out with the kids or housework issues non of it. It does not exist in my world. I in essence have a H many people would love to have. And I should be satisfied instead I feel something is lacking so bad that it makes me heartsick. It makes me feel incomplete and lacking not within myself but within life and my R.
People say that you choose who you love. I really do not agree with that. I would choose to be in love with my H not just love him for certian things he does.
My H sends me flowers he buys me gifts he is so about me it is sickening. But in the same breath it is false because he does not notice me the inside me. He will notice if I get a haircut dye my hair gain 5 lbs or go to the tanning bed. But he does not notice a change in behavior if something is bothering me or if something is important to me. I find this unexplainable.
Well gotta end here out of the blue and so oddly my H just asked me if I was happy. Gonna take this as a invite as odd as it is to talk
Well I now am almost certain my H has been reading my post. Though the invite as I took it was short lived and not really a want to talk but a want to get under my skin I answered his questions and asked them back in return. Got no where with that. His behavior was odd and elusive to say the least I am leary of going to bed tonight. I am not feeling to safe at the moment. I made such a statement to him and he did not try to assure me otherwise which really adds to my unease.
If you are in physical danger you have to take steps to protect yourself Chrissy. None of the things you previously listed earlier today as traits someone would want in a man can compensate for physical abuse.
No matter how big and strong a man is physically on the outside, only a P*ssy and coward, would attack someone half their size, let alone a female. You have been down this road before you said, you said it was the deal breaker then, it should always be the deal breaker immediately. take care of yourself, be safe.
Ok...gonna be blunt again. The way you sound in your posts, excusing your H's behavior (and yes you do, admit it) is typical behavior of an abused woman. Know what, I've BTDT too, with my 1st H.
You don't feel safe?!!! Woman, LEAVE!!!! Just because he isn't always behaving in a manner that makes you feel this way is no excuse to stay in the situation. Just because you feel guilt, is not reason to stay in the situation. Just because you aren't ready to jump into another R is no reason to stay in THIS R. Actually, you shouldn't even consider jumping into another R, you need time on your own. Just because he buys you gifts and brings you things, is no reason to stay in the R. Just because he's happy as long as you are there to take care of things is no reason to stay.
STOP BEING A MARTYR! Step up and take care of YOU and your kids...remember they are learning that the behavior you and your H display is OK. You respond to guilt apparantly...do you want your D to model what you are going through now? Probably not, but she's learning it's ok to live the way you are. Do you want your S to learn what his dad is doing is ok? Because he is, no matter what you tell him, you are allowing yourself to continue l iving in this stich, so your still teaching him...it's ok.
So, it sounds to me like really the only persons' happiness you are truly thinking of...is your H's. So far you haven't been able to explain to me how that makes sense. Perhaps that's because I've BTDT, I know what the other side of the fence looks like now....and I know if you could see the view from my side....you'd high-tail it NOW!
