Well I think it is time to face up to the facts and be truthful. At least to myself.
I think I know what is the biggiest problem in fixing my relationship myself. I want out. My desire for this is so great it stifles any type of progress that I strive for. It is always there unrelenting in the back of my head. That thought if I could just find away out of this. I am not looking for greener pastures there is no OM or OP just haunting memories of what it was like to feel loved and to feel loving. Which in truth are not highly motivating as reasons to get out so I can seek this EC with another. But they are like a ghost that live within the mist of my memories. I have been trying for weeks to bond to form any emotional attachment I can with H. I have been trying for months if not years to understand my H. But the truth is I really needed to understand me. I do have a emotional detachment issue pointed out and accepted as my own issue. Which I plan on staying open to rebuilding a better and healthier way to deal with issues that crop up in my life or even my own emotions and reactions then detaching from them. But intruth I do not feel my learning to detach came from any wronge done to me. I think my intial detaching methods where a way to deal with my self. Away to deal when I felt backed into a corner brought on by my own actions. They are how I cope with my own behavior and bad judgement. Which has backslashed over into all aspects of my life.
But truth is this. Honestly the only feelings I have and the only reasons I stay here other then fear of my H and love of my children is guilt. When I think of my H I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I do not love him the way he craves. I feel guilty that I have deprived him a chance to find this all these years. I feel guilty that I never looked into the future and where it would lead and by lack of forsight of my own actions would lead us to this place. When I got pregnant I just settled thought what was best was for my kids was to have a dad. I never thought of what it would deny myself or my H. This is not really a new realization this is acceptance. When I left my H a year ago and came back I did so for my children out of fear and because I felt I owed him. I felt guilty for being so selfish that I was putting myself over others. I felt guilty because I felt I had decieved my H from the begining. And these are the same reasons and feelings I have today that prevent me from leaving I owe him to stay here. To try to make up for what I have done to him.
There is no way to correct this. No amount of DBing can fix it. It was a naive mistake I made that as my mom would put " You made your bed now lay in it" So here I lay. Dam is this bed uncomfie.
I have felt guilty for years which means I have known for years just not consiously admitted that I am at fault for where I am. Well denial is not getting me anywhere. Not that admission will get me much further. But at least it is honest.
Well I think it is time to face up to the facts and be truthful. At least to myself.
I think I know what is the biggiest problem in fixing my relationship myself. I want out. My desire for this is so great it stifles any type of progress that I strive for. It is always there unrelenting in the back of my head. That thought if I could just find away out of this. I am not looking for greener pastures there is no OM or OP just haunting memories of what it was like to feel loved and to feel loving. Which in truth are not highly motivating as reasons to get out so I can seek this EC with another. But they are like a ghost that live within the mist of my memories. I have been trying for weeks to bond to form any emotional attachment I can with H. I have been trying for months if not years to understand my H. But the truth is I really needed to understand me. I do have a emotional detachment issue pointed out and accepted as my own issue. Which I plan on staying open to rebuilding a better and healthier way to deal with issues that crop up in my life or even my own emotions and reactions then detaching from them. But intruth I do not feel my learning to detach came from any wronge done to me. I think my intial detaching methods where a way to deal with my self. Away to deal when I felt backed into a corner brought on by my own actions. They are how I cope with my own behavior and bad judgement. Which has backslashed over into all aspects of my life.
But truth is this. Honestly the only feelings I have and the only reasons I stay here other then fear of my H and love of my children is guilt. When I think of my H I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I do not love him the way he craves. I feel guilty that I have deprived him a chance to find this all these years. I feel guilty that I never looked into the future and where it would lead and by lack of forsight of my own actions would lead us to this place. When I got pregnant I just settled thought what was best was for my kids was to have a dad. I never thought of what it would deny myself or my H. This is not really a new realization this is acceptance. When I left my H a year ago and came back I did so for my children out of fear and because I felt I owed him. I felt guilty for being so selfish that I was putting myself over others. I felt guilty because I felt I had decieved my H from the begining. And these are the same reasons and feelings I have today that prevent me from leaving I owe him to stay here. To try to make up for what I have done to him.
There is no way to correct this. No amount of DBing can fix it. It was a naive mistake I made that as my mom would put " You made your bed now lay in it" So here I lay. Dam is this bed uncomfie.
I have felt guilty for years which means I have known for years just not consiously admitted that I am at fault for where I am. Well denial is not getting me anywhere. Not that admission will get me much further. But at least it is honest.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. I lived the "you made your bed" for 10 years with ex H. I, too, was naive and young when I made that choice. Leaving was hard, miserable, painful and still it was the right thing to do. Despite my SL issues with my current H he is still a wonderful support, a wonderful husband and a man I enjoy being with. I'm not sure if we will ever work out the sex issue but the love part is clear. I'm sure you love your H on some level but honey if you can't do any better than caring for him like a friend then you shouldn't be there. Guilt is not a reason to stay. I'm not suggesting you leave but I am suggesting that you examine your choices. What if you left? What if you stayed. What are the reasons for or against both options? What does your gut tell you?
My gut feeling is none of it matters. I will do nothing about leaving my guilt has me more paralized then my fear of my H. My fear of my H is just a less shallow appearance to project. I am waiting and have been I believe for him to leave. Which since he is quite happy within our relationship will not happen. So I am trapped. That trapped feeling is leading to my LD not just sexual but no desire in life. But the guilt is a catch 22 sitution if I leave I will feel even more guilt if I stay I will continue to remain detached to protect myself from the reprecussions of my past actions that lead me here hence not allowing me to learn to form a EC with my H. In essence I am drowning in my own guilt.
Thinking back there is a pattern of my allowing myself to get into situations/relationships that I later find I do not want to be. But when my back has been up against the wall when I feel put in a position that if I do not break away it will lead me further away from what I want and how I am in the past I have come out swinging. Which has inflicted unintended hurt on others. This time I was so in to the not causing others pain that I let myself get lead to far in. I cannot recitfy that now I can only take responsibility for it. And part of that responsibility is to remain doing what is right for others. Regaurdless of the cost. There were warning signs all along the way I just over looked them. My H never had any of the charecteristics that attracked me to men. I found that refreshing at first but after awhile it became one of his worst qualities to me. Now how fair is that to him. I never said oh well this is okay for now I am in a down time but don't expect me to find your lack of self confidence and lack of desire and drive for life fufilling in the future. I will except you like this for now but be prepared that in the future I will resent you for it if you do not change. And since I did not forwarn him of pending changes in what it would take for me to want to be with him long term I feel I owe it to him to stay.
(And since I did not forwarn him of pending changes in what it would take for me to want to be with him long term I feel I owe it to him to stay.)
You don't owe it to him to stay.
Ok...let me break it down this way. You don't love him, you aren't happy with him....but you are willing to stay in a marriage instead of moving on and allowing him to find someone he can be happy with....and you too for that matter.
That doesn't make sense.
I know that just sounded harsh...but Chrissy come on! Did he warn you that he would use physical threats? Did he warn you of his anger? Did he warn you that his behavior would continue throughout the years? You sound as though you don't believe you deserve happiness. How do you feel about yourself?
How long ago do you think you should have warned him of pending changes? Did you even know until recently what it was you wanted/needed for sure? You've been on a journey of self-discovery lately...you've done a whole lot of soul searching and finding out what exactly it is you want/need and who you really are. You my dear need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off....and be the woman you are intended to be.
Get off the pity potty and get out the plunger honey.
Please go back and re-read your post. It's very self-defeating and just screams of martyrdom to me...when it's completely unnecessary.
I know I sound harsh in this post...but dangit woman sometimes we need to hear it.
Even though you never really were in love with your H, and even though you have stayed for the sake of the family and out of guilt, you can decide now to have a better marriage and work on things, if you choose to. MWD points out that love is a choice...you and H can choose to improve things no matter what happened in the past. Are there any redeemable qualities that you see in your h that would be basis for motivation? Would he be willing to work on himself to meet more of your needs? Personally, I never really understood what I was getting myself into when I married, and I have changed plenty from age 21 when I met H. I am attracted to a different persoality style than my H has...there are a lot of negatives, but I choose to focus on the positives. Is there anything positive about your marriage?
Ditto on the martyrdom-- what GEL said. To stay with someone because you feel you owe them something when you don't love them and don't want to be there-- this is NOT doing them any favor! By all means, set this person free to find someone who really does love them! You think you're the best s/he will ever do? What makes any one of us such a prize that we inflict ourselves year after year on someone we don't want to be with? That's not guilt, that's some variety of arrogance.
Maybe s/he's sticking around because he thinks s/he's doing YOU a favor. Why not do each other a favor and move on? (Remarks not addressed solely to Chrissy.)
While I was writting my original post I actually had the thought that what I was saying would be of no surprise to you. I think you have known all along I was not in love with my H. Though it is apparent I keep looking for reasons to love him.
No not trying to be the martyr. Just more willing to accept the responsibility for using such bad judgement in the past.
I know that just sounded harsh...but Chrissy come on! Did he warn you that he would use physical threats? Did he warn you of his anger? Did he warn you that his behavior would continue throughout the years? You sound as though you don't believe you deserve happiness. How do you feel about yourself?
While yes I do believe I deserve happiness. I do not believe I deserve it at the cost of anothers. I do not know how to put in words to make anyone understand my H is truly happy with things as is. This is what he wants what he desires its all about being with me. And he does not care in what way shape or form even if it is only a shell of a person residing within the same house hold to him it is still me and he is happy. I do not understand it but it is just him. And in truth yes I think I over looked signs of his behavior that was always there, I put his jealousy and uncontrolled anger (not based at me at the time) down as being immature and thought he would outgrow them but there were always signs. He has tried to manipulate me with threats of some sort since early on. But again I overlooked them in the begining I was so caught up in dealing with my unexpected pregnancy and other issues. But in truth I would not have had the insight to recognize these signs as issues of personality vs issues of immaturity back then.
Did you even know until recently what it was you wanted/needed for sure?
I think I have known from early on that this relationship lacked substance for me. It was easier to overlook and accept as the demands of motherhood took control of my life. Just as it seems easier to see and harder to accept as the demands of motherhood lesson in my life.
My H is not the worst H nor is he the best. Though I do not have a piss poor self image I do see this in some ways from how it all must make him feel.
You have a man who loves a woman and creates a family. Puts his stock into his future based on this love and creation. But there is a white elephant that lives in there house. And no matter how much love this man shows this woman she never seems to fully comit or seem satisfied with him. She clings to the white elephant for protection. After time not being able to slay the white elephant becomes a brewing pot of anger that boils over and he lashes out not at what he can't see but at the woman. The woman now needs protection from the man and his love and clings more feverishly to the white elephant. And the cycle intensifies.
Gel my white elephant is my guilt and my detachment. Though yes I am a victim to my H and his love his anger is based on frustration of not ever being able to be what I want him to be. And he cannot be because he never was.
Truth had I have not gotten pregnant (which was my fault) or had I choose to go alone at that time and raised the child by myself I would not be here now. I brought all this on me by using bad judgement. That is not me pity that is me being truthful. I own my bad choices but they were easy to hide from until a few years ago. I had other things to distract me. Now though I am feeling the effects full force and trying to figure out a game plan for life from them.
On the upside my bad choice lead to three of the four most important things in my life.
I am at a place now that I have not been in a long time, And doubt will remain long. There is peace within the walls of my house. My lay down and take it approach these last few months has given me space to catch my breath. The daily wars have subsided. As long as I only exist within the confines of my home and M all is good. But my discontent and boredom is growing by the day. The effects of the last year of out right war are aparrent in some of the actions of my one son. Which has me very worried. If I try to leave again it will get very ugly no doubt. Which I do not want for my children . So I pray everyday my H will find something or someone else. If he leaves I will not protest it. There will be no ugly episodes to endure it will just be over. But my H is not going anywhere that is pretty definate. He is happy. So not being a marytr but dealing with it the best way possible for everyone is what my aim is. And taking repsonsibility for how I got here is part of that acceptance that we are just who we are.
IMOP if my H and I were to split up with the intent to work on our marriage I feel there would be a chance. My H has never experienced that part of life that creates independence and self. Our MC even agreed with this a year ago. But my H will not hear of it. It would take me out of his constent access and control. Oddly though I really no longer know for fact if he would allow himself to experience this. In my three week absense last year from the house hold he found a subsitute for my presence and never paid one bill and bounced checks all over. So maybe maybe not on that. My H is content with things as is. He did go to a few meetings regaurding his anger issues but that was short lived. My H has no desire to experience life. He is just plain content with us as is.
I am attracted to a different persoality style than my H has...there are a lot of negatives, That is me. Where my H is unassured and self doubting yet potrays egotism that lacks any form of conviction it is so transparent in its efforts that it only allow you a larger view of his lack of confidence. I am attracted to very self assured self reliant and at time egotiscal and self centered men. Now physically my H is a 8 on my scale he has the dark eyes and dark hair darker skin type muscular as all get out. He looks like a mountain man. People fear his girth he is one of the physically strongest people I have ever known.
And I do try to focus on his good, He is a reliable provider of income for our family. And he is a pretty good dad.
CeMar
Manly is all I can say.
Lil.
Do not think I ever potrayed I felt he could not do better. Look at my list of guilt one of them being my guilt that while being in this relationship it has not allowed him to find someone to love him like he craves to be loved. I have for years told my H that he deserves this. He says he wants no one but me. That is not me saying I do not feel like he does not deserve me cannot do better then me none of that. Everybody deserves someone who can love them for who they are not who they can be molded into. I have not implied other wise
