My gut feeling is none of it matters. I will do nothing about leaving my guilt has me more paralized then my fear of my H. My fear of my H is just a less shallow appearance to project. I am waiting and have been I believe for him to leave. Which since he is quite happy within our relationship will not happen. So I am trapped. That trapped feeling is leading to my LD not just sexual but no desire in life. But the guilt is a catch 22 sitution if I leave I will feel even more guilt if I stay I will continue to remain detached to protect myself from the reprecussions of my past actions that lead me here hence not allowing me to learn to form a EC with my H. In essence I am drowning in my own guilt.
Thinking back there is a pattern of my allowing myself to get into situations/relationships that I later find I do not want to be. But when my back has been up against the wall when I feel put in a position that if I do not break away it will lead me further away from what I want and how I am in the past I have come out swinging. Which has inflicted unintended hurt on others. This time I was so in to the not causing others pain that I let myself get lead to far in. I cannot recitfy that now I can only take responsibility for it. And part of that responsibility is to remain doing what is right for others. Regaurdless of the cost. There were warning signs all along the way I just over looked them. My H never had any of the charecteristics that attracked me to men. I found that refreshing at first but after awhile it became one of his worst qualities to me. Now how fair is that to him. I never said oh well this is okay for now I am in a down time but don't expect me to find your lack of self confidence and lack of desire and drive for life fufilling in the future. I will except you like this for now but be prepared that in the future I will resent you for it if you do not change. And since I did not forwarn him of pending changes in what it would take for me to want to be with him long term I feel I owe it to him to stay.
