Well I think it is time to face up to the facts and be truthful. At least to myself.
I think I know what is the biggiest problem in fixing my relationship myself. I want out. My desire for this is so great it stifles any type of progress that I strive for. It is always there unrelenting in the back of my head. That thought if I could just find away out of this. I am not looking for greener pastures there is no OM or OP just haunting memories of what it was like to feel loved and to feel loving. Which in truth are not highly motivating as reasons to get out so I can seek this EC with another. But they are like a ghost that live within the mist of my memories. I have been trying for weeks to bond to form any emotional attachment I can with H. I have been trying for months if not years to understand my H. But the truth is I really needed to understand me. I do have a emotional detachment issue pointed out and accepted as my own issue. Which I plan on staying open to rebuilding a better and healthier way to deal with issues that crop up in my life or even my own emotions and reactions then detaching from them. But intruth I do not feel my learning to detach came from any wronge done to me. I think my intial detaching methods where a way to deal with my self. Away to deal when I felt backed into a corner brought on by my own actions. They are how I cope with my own behavior and bad judgement. Which has backslashed over into all aspects of my life.
But truth is this. Honestly the only feelings I have and the only reasons I stay here other then fear of my H and love of my children is guilt. When I think of my H I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I do not love him the way he craves. I feel guilty that I have deprived him a chance to find this all these years. I feel guilty that I never looked into the future and where it would lead and by lack of forsight of my own actions would lead us to this place. When I got pregnant I just settled thought what was best was for my kids was to have a dad. I never thought of what it would deny myself or my H. This is not really a new realization this is acceptance. When I left my H a year ago and came back I did so for my children out of fear and because I felt I owed him. I felt guilty for being so selfish that I was putting myself over others. I felt guilty because I felt I had decieved my H from the begining. And these are the same reasons and feelings I have today that prevent me from leaving I owe him to stay here. To try to make up for what I have done to him.
There is no way to correct this. No amount of DBing can fix it. It was a naive mistake I made that as my mom would put " You made your bed now lay in it" So here I lay. Dam is this bed uncomfie.
I have felt guilty for years which means I have known for years just not consiously admitted that I am at fault for where I am. Well denial is not getting me anywhere. Not that admission will get me much further. But at least it is honest.
