I think you are both right about this. And I think I have been hedging slowly towards this place from the begining.
I guess, for me....you simply shouldn't have to try that hard if you love your H.
I should not have to try so hard to feel anything. All this detaching over the years seems to have warped the way I react to everything. My daughter and her move away from me and the way I responded and the way I am still responding like redoing her room and wiping her bit by bit out of my everyday life so I can deal with her being gone instead of truely dealing with the feelings it is causing me have been a clear indicator that this habit of mine is not one I want to continue. I do not want to erase my memories of my D I do not want to dissolve her presence. And I will be damned if I will let this habitual detachment mode take away from me what I hold the most dear in my life. My children and how I feel about them. That is why I am so desperately wanting to feel to teach my self how to overcome my detatchment ability. If it orginated from a need for self preservation that is fine. But it overtaking and encompassing every aspect of my emotions is not fine or needed. I have a great awareness now of my lack of ability to feel as others do. People on this BB and there constant statements and conviction of there feelings has helped me see just how great this void in me runs. I am trying to build a bridge to over come the gap I just do not know really how and am grasping at straws and making feable attempts right now.
I can't tell how many times things you have said have reverberated through my brain...things like "I didn't love him to begin with".
I believe you are talking about the post where I realized that I never fell in love with my H but grew to love my H. The puppy post. Yeah this one has haunted me.
Reading back through my post you will see this as being one of my only statements of me loving him. I seldom make reference to love for anyone other then my children. They are the only ones I feel stronge love for. They are who I would lay down my life for or give up my life for in this case.
I love my H for all he has done for me in my life. I love my H for being a decent father I love my H for being responsible to his family That as definative as I can be in my love for my H.
So I'm going to ask you a very blunt (yes, you know me ) question.....have you ever been really happy with your H? If so, what made the situation a happy one at that time? Were your feelings better towards him then?
There was a happier time when the kids were being born. There was a bond forged and a semblance of a relationship built from that bond. This modicum of a relationship that relates to our children is still there. The modicum of a relationship that one has soley by dwelling within the same house hold also exist. It is personal friendship and personal sharing of dreams and hopes respect and such that has never existed within this relationship.
So can I say that I once was happier. With my H not directly not definatively can I say I was happier. I can say I was once happier with my life as it was. How much of that my H played apart in that I can not define. The circumstances cloud my judgement on that answer.
I think (IMPO) what you really need to do is figure out what YOU want.
What I seek is to find a way to be happy with what I have. What I seek is what is best for my children.
But what I want is to be fufilled and happy.
I don't think that you lack sexual desire. I think you lack desire for him and that the effect of living like that is lack of desire in general. I might be wrong
You might be wrong but if you are then so am I. This is exactly what I was saying when I was bucking the LD lable. I am not LD sexually I am LD spirtually.
Just a thought here. But with all these old memories that seem to be swarming within my mind of late. Coupled with my pure emotional outburst I had on Honeys thread last night.(not sure where that one came from) I am wondering if maybe some of the walls I have built so high around myself and emotions are starting to crack a little. I am trying hard to go with them instead of push them aside as I normally would. But let me tell you all this effort is causing me one hectic hellava headache.
