I guess, for me....you simply shouldn't have to try that hard if you love your H.
I can't tell how many times things you have said have reverberated through my brain...things like "I didn't love him to begin with". Chrissy, I think you need to figure out a few things and it's not going to be easy.
#1 How do you feel about your H, really?
#2 What do you think he would need to do for you to feel the way you want to about him?
If you don't love the man and never did (assuming that's truly the case)...I don't think you can force yourself to have feelings that simply aren't there.
Trying to force yourself to have feelings reminds me of a situation I was in oh about 5 years or so ago. A very dear, close friend of mine, who is a really great guy wanted so badly to have more than a friendship relationship with me. So I tried, but there was simply nothing more there than friendship for me. He'd have been a great catch as far as husband-material goes, made a great living, would have treated me like a queen, wanted a family and would have been a great dad....but the feelings simply weren't there on my end. I've known some people in my life who would have married him in a split-second and never given "feelings" a thought...but I did. I knew if I married him and didn't love him...I'd be unhappy in the long-run.
So I'm going to ask you a very blunt (yes, you know me ) question.....have you ever been really happy with your H? If so, what made the situation a happy one at that time? Were your feelings better towards him then?
I think (IMPO) what you really need to do is figure out what YOU want.
I must concur with GEL. I have been worried for some time that whatever feelings you have for your H or tried to have just didn't work out. That you don't want to be in this M. I don't think that you lack sexual desire. I think you lack desire for him and that the effect of living like that is lack of desire in general. I might be wrong but I am just suggesting that maybe the problem is in the pairing/the relationship itself.
I think you are both right about this. And I think I have been hedging slowly towards this place from the begining.
I guess, for me....you simply shouldn't have to try that hard if you love your H.
I should not have to try so hard to feel anything. All this detaching over the years seems to have warped the way I react to everything. My daughter and her move away from me and the way I responded and the way I am still responding like redoing her room and wiping her bit by bit out of my everyday life so I can deal with her being gone instead of truely dealing with the feelings it is causing me have been a clear indicator that this habit of mine is not one I want to continue. I do not want to erase my memories of my D I do not want to dissolve her presence. And I will be damned if I will let this habitual detachment mode take away from me what I hold the most dear in my life. My children and how I feel about them. That is why I am so desperately wanting to feel to teach my self how to overcome my detatchment ability. If it orginated from a need for self preservation that is fine. But it overtaking and encompassing every aspect of my emotions is not fine or needed. I have a great awareness now of my lack of ability to feel as others do. People on this BB and there constant statements and conviction of there feelings has helped me see just how great this void in me runs. I am trying to build a bridge to over come the gap I just do not know really how and am grasping at straws and making feable attempts right now.
I can't tell how many times things you have said have reverberated through my brain...things like "I didn't love him to begin with".
I believe you are talking about the post where I realized that I never fell in love with my H but grew to love my H. The puppy post. Yeah this one has haunted me.
Reading back through my post you will see this as being one of my only statements of me loving him. I seldom make reference to love for anyone other then my children. They are the only ones I feel stronge love for. They are who I would lay down my life for or give up my life for in this case.
I love my H for all he has done for me in my life. I love my H for being a decent father I love my H for being responsible to his family That as definative as I can be in my love for my H.
So I'm going to ask you a very blunt (yes, you know me ) question.....have you ever been really happy with your H? If so, what made the situation a happy one at that time? Were your feelings better towards him then?
There was a happier time when the kids were being born. There was a bond forged and a semblance of a relationship built from that bond. This modicum of a relationship that relates to our children is still there. The modicum of a relationship that one has soley by dwelling within the same house hold also exist. It is personal friendship and personal sharing of dreams and hopes respect and such that has never existed within this relationship.
So can I say that I once was happier. With my H not directly not definatively can I say I was happier. I can say I was once happier with my life as it was. How much of that my H played apart in that I can not define. The circumstances cloud my judgement on that answer.
I think (IMPO) what you really need to do is figure out what YOU want.
What I seek is to find a way to be happy with what I have. What I seek is what is best for my children.
But what I want is to be fufilled and happy.
I don't think that you lack sexual desire. I think you lack desire for him and that the effect of living like that is lack of desire in general. I might be wrong
You might be wrong but if you are then so am I. This is exactly what I was saying when I was bucking the LD lable. I am not LD sexually I am LD spirtually.
Just a thought here. But with all these old memories that seem to be swarming within my mind of late. Coupled with my pure emotional outburst I had on Honeys thread last night.(not sure where that one came from) I am wondering if maybe some of the walls I have built so high around myself and emotions are starting to crack a little. I am trying hard to go with them instead of push them aside as I normally would. But let me tell you all this effort is causing me one hectic hellava headache.
I believe you are talking about the post where I realized that I never fell in love with my H but grew to love my H.
This is the dynamic of every arranged marriage thruout history. They worked for millenia with out the rampant divorce we have now.
I dont see anything wrong with this. At this point in my life I would rather have a wife that loves me for reasons, and is missing that in love feeling, then a x who is so attracted to me and another that she is ping ponging back and forth.
Is your H, abusive? neglectful? You mentioned you would have stayed with x despite womanizing, and some physical abuse. That was a strong attraction, --that I say wasnt healthy. But he generated some very strong emotions in you.
You have a good thing from what I can see over here. Dont let wanting some will-o-the-wisp distract you from what you have.
If you focus on his good stuff, they will generate feelings of love. We all want strong passionate emotions, but what we do to obtain them usually ends up giving us the negative ones. Did someone mention he is younger then you? To him everything is great. He isnt going to know that things need to be different, variety, unpredictable. You are going to have to be the relationship director. Sounds like you have a lot of experience. to it to good use.
Take some seminars with him. You want him to GAL, how is yours?
If you want to feel something go rollerblading without pads on, or bungie jumping, or skydiving. If you want to be fullfilled set goals and acheive them.
Gonna answer the easy question first. Yes my H is younger then me 6 years.
I believe you are talking about the post where I realized that I never fell in love with my H but grew to love my H.
I related my love to that of a person getting a puppy that is all cute and so forth. Then after a short time of having it realizing you did not like its habits of chewing on the furniture or getting in the trash. Yet being unable to break the habits. And not being able to find another home for the puppy and not being one to take a animal to the pound and have it destroyed when your own bad judgement made you choose that puppy you keep it. Though you do not really like the puppy that much in time you would tend to grow to love it and miss its compainionship if it were no longer there. At the time I was speaking at the issue of my H and the way he manipulated me from the being with threats and how I just sort of gave up and kept him around. But after I wrote those words and reread them I saw that I never fell in love with my H. I grew to love him. But in fact I still never wanted him I just learned to live with him.
Is your H, abusive? neglectful? Emotionally abusive yes very much so. Physical threats yes very much so. Physical abuse on occassion. Neglectful... Well you never read the post on the falling apart of Chrissy and I am not going to rehash it. But suffice to say my doctors had me on sucide watch and my H never knew there was a problem dispite the fact I seldom got out of bed for almost a year lost a job that I totally loved and so much more. We were having sex still so he was still in happy camper land. My H never noticed anything until my ex boyfriends family and ex boyfriend came into the picture. Which even then took him 2 years to pay attention to notice. So what do you think about neglect?
Well if you considered going to pick my son up from football after school or going to football games with his mom in tow and going to the grocery store once a week or the bank or doctors much of a life I have a great one. (But the grocery store is a improvement I use to have to have him or the kids with me now I am allowed to stroll out on my own for that one). If you consider having every phone call you make or recieve monitered. And not being allowed to speak or look directly at anyone while speaking to them to avoid accussational fights. Again I have a great life. I am going to end the description there I think it says enough.
If you want to be fullfilled set goals and acheive them
I have goals that I am working very slowly at they are listed on both of my threads I have had here. I move slow to not rock the boat and come into harms way. But I am moving towards them. But my goals are for myself. If on a odd chance they help my R all the better but in truth they will be more harmful then helpfull.
Though I did not go cycling would involve risk of human contact. I did dance around my living room today as I cleaned stero full blast. Been along time since I did that and I enjoyed it very much.
Gotta go pick up my boy from football practice. Hope all are having a good evening.
I had no idea about your current sitch. I haven't read any of those posts. All I have seen about it is what you posted earlier today about the things you like about him.
It makes me sad that you find yourself where you are. I am glad that you are here with all these kind supporting people. Please forgive me for my ignorant post.
Though I did not go cycling would involve risk of human contact. I did dance around my living room today as I cleaned stero full blast. Been along time since I did that and I enjoyed it very much
LOL Good for you. My x used to do this on occasion, she would come home from her job, change out of her business suit, and would just crank the music and dance around -sometimes twirling a silk scarf. The music would be so loud I could sneak up on her when I got home. She always looked like she had been 'caught'. The juxtapostion of her personalities was so extreme, professional business women to granola girl and I would tease her about --looking for my wife, but hey since she isnt here, you're kinda cute. That would always get a smack.
Please forgive me for my ignorant post. Not ignorant naive to all the facts. ( I know how you love that word). And please do not apolize it is not needed.
I am much stronger then I was a year ago. Just not as stronge as I was a few years back. I am slowly taking back control of who I am. I don't like who I have allowed myself to become very well. Please do not ever feel you have to treat me with kid gloves. I respect what you say if you censor it I won't. I like stronge people. I use to be one myself. I will be again. It all times take.
Please do not ever feel you have to treat me with kid gloves. I respect what you say if you censor it I won't.
From your post where you updated me-- the relationship you are in is extremely unhealthy. I am at a loss and I dont like that. Thats about me though, and not helpful to you either. (see how selfish I am? me me me )
You are doing exactly right by making yourself strong again,
and getting support from these girls here.
Dont mistake my sincereity for censorship, or I will censor chrissy from my list of names I see on DB BB! J/K Thats probably the closest anyone here will ever see, me makeing an apology. and stop calling me naive, it irks me alot. Ignorant is good, naive is sooooo
little girl sounding. Yuck.
That will teach me to stick to what I know. Being attractive to women. So much I havent talked about yet. Soon.
My daughter is from my first marriage. Which hmm I never replied to a statement you made in the other post about my x
You mentioned you would have stayed with x despite womanizing, and some physical abuse. That was a strong attraction, --that I say wasnt healthy. But he generated some very strong emotions in you.
I would have stayed despite the womanizing yes but not the physical abuse. I did for awhile because of his remorse afterwards I truely believed he was sorry. It took awhile to see he was sick and this was not going to go away. But no it was not attraction it was my belief in marriage at the time that would have made me stay. I am a person with stronge beliefs and though I have walked away from alot of them. It took alot of convincing to do so. Not by people but by life showing me maybe my beliefs were not well founded.
Dont mistake my sincereity for censorship, or I will censor chrissy from my list of names I see on DB BB!
I think we have a deal. We can both agree to be brutally honest with the other. I appreciate your sincerity. I am just use to people looking at me as damaged goods and treating me as such once they start learning about me. And the way that the respond to me afterwards is always different more gentle. It pisses me off. I may be slightly dysfunctional but not damaged. And my past and the abuse it holds is not a crutch to get special treatment from. I have had more success of opening up and letting people see all the scrapes on this BB then I have in whole in the past without being treated as crippled.
and getting support from these girls here.
Yeah the girls are great but so are the guys. Sometimes neither sex really knows how to respond to something I am going through. And if you have not noticed I do not have typical responses most of the time so again at times people cannot relate to what I am saying. But as a whole people here try both male and female.
and stop calling me naive, it irks me alot Tech I did not call You naive either time. And I know it irks you girlish is so non masculine.
You are fun Blackfoot. You slightly amuse me. You remind me of someone I once knew.
That will teach me to stick to what I know.
You learn more by venturing into the unknown
b] So much I havent talked about yet. Soon.
A cliff hanging exit. How Tvish of you! lol
Now I have a question for you.
Your wife how much contact do you still have with her at this time? Just wondering you state you still love her. But as long as the rogue is still breathing will never chance another go at it. I understand this, But what if in the 11th hour she sees her love for you and is willing to end all contact with him to try again. Is there anyway she can convince you to think over the possibility?
Well I think it is time to face up to the facts and be truthful. At least to myself.
I think I know what is the biggiest problem in fixing my relationship myself. I want out. My desire for this is so great it stifles any type of progress that I strive for. It is always there unrelenting in the back of my head. That thought if I could just find away out of this. I am not looking for greener pastures there is no OM or OP just haunting memories of what it was like to feel loved and to feel loving. Which in truth are not highly motivating as reasons to get out so I can seek this EC with another. But they are like a ghost that live within the mist of my memories. I have been trying for weeks to bond to form any emotional attachment I can with H. I have been trying for months if not years to understand my H. But the truth is I really needed to understand me. I do have a emotional detachment issue pointed out and accepted as my own issue. Which I plan on staying open to rebuilding a better and healthier way to deal with issues that crop up in my life or even my own emotions and reactions then detaching from them. But intruth I do not feel my learning to detach came from any wronge done to me. I think my intial detaching methods where a way to deal with my self. Away to deal when I felt backed into a corner brought on by my own actions. They are how I cope with my own behavior and bad judgement. Which has backslashed over into all aspects of my life.
But truth is this. Honestly the only feelings I have and the only reasons I stay here other then fear of my H and love of my children is guilt. When I think of my H I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I do not love him the way he craves. I feel guilty that I have deprived him a chance to find this all these years. I feel guilty that I never looked into the future and where it would lead and by lack of forsight of my own actions would lead us to this place. When I got pregnant I just settled thought what was best was for my kids was to have a dad. I never thought of what it would deny myself or my H. This is not really a new realization this is acceptance. When I left my H a year ago and came back I did so for my children out of fear and because I felt I owed him. I felt guilty for being so selfish that I was putting myself over others. I felt guilty because I felt I had decieved my H from the begining. And these are the same reasons and feelings I have today that prevent me from leaving I owe him to stay here. To try to make up for what I have done to him.
There is no way to correct this. No amount of DBing can fix it. It was a naive mistake I made that as my mom would put " You made your bed now lay in it" So here I lay. Dam is this bed uncomfie.
I have felt guilty for years which means I have known for years just not consiously admitted that I am at fault for where I am. Well denial is not getting me anywhere. Not that admission will get me much further. But at least it is honest.
) question.....have you ever been really happy with your H? If so, what made the situation a happy one at that time? Were your feelings better towards him then?
)
J/K Thats probably the closest anyone here will ever see, me makeing an apology. and stop calling me naive, it irks me alot. Ignorant is good, naive is sooooo