I take it to be worth alot. Just you caring enough to follow me and encourage me through this journey is worth more then words can say.
your mind constantly gets in the way.
True it gets in the way of everything sleep sex eatting the whole ball of wax.
This whole new conditioning aspect is really hard. Okay to break the habit of drifting off or fantasy I try to focus on staying and remembering who I am with and how I should feel. That does not work.
This laying in bed or sitting on the couch and touching and trying to feel something does not seem to work.
This trying to respond to my H instead of respond to his actions does not seem to work.
I am really starting to wonder. How much of this is detachment vs true lack of feelings for him? That is a very sad thought for me. Along with the thought that to be what I want and to create desire in me is going to take him being a person he never was makes me feel like I am being unfair to him that makes me said also. Maybe detached Chrissy is the best Chrissy for the R. Like I said I am in uck land.
I just know of late I am having these stirring memories of what I use to find attractive in people long ago. I am remembering what type of person could charge my nerves (not meant sexually) Make me feel alive and challenged. And my H does not contain these qualities. I think I was in a down time/break when I met him. I think I found his not being these things not attractive but refreshing. But I think somewhere long ago I realized but did not accept that I had made a mistake that was going to hurt him more then me so shut down to avoid doing so. By not accepting I mean I think I did not give up hope he could change and become. But I am really not sure right now. All these memories I have blocked for so long that are swimming around all of a sudden have me off balance. So I have no definative thoughts.
