In truth what the church says and implies and the way that it is interpretted by others is vastly different from person to person and preist to preist I have become very aware of this. This is in part why I no longer believe in the Catholic Church. The bible again is open to all forms of interpretation which is in part why I hold more strong value in the 10 commandments. Which in them selfs can be debated but not as widely and to the extent of the Church and Bible.
It also makes it a lot clearer why the Church considers MB a sin.
I no longer hold any real interest in why and what the Church considers a sin only in what God considers it. The Church is known to change it's mind and stance on many things thoughout the course of history to ammend it to society. And man has rewritten the Bible from the orginal scriptures. Which has allowed them a more evolved perspective to be written in. We all can read a poem and get different meaning from it and project from it what we thought it meant as truth but it does not make it so. The 10 commandments are the only thing unchanged through time. So are what I give greatest credence to. My Catholic upbringing while is part of my foundation of my beliefs no longer controls my beliefs of what is right and wrong. My belief in God alone is what guides me to try to do what is right in life. Oddly I still love the Catholic Mass. I still become awefilled from the experience. But I can find that same at peace with God feeling from a solitary walk in the woods as I do from attending mass. See to me God is within you not within the walls of a building. I now have a more spiritual view of religion then a taught Catholic view of religion. As a Catholic I relied on God as a structured taught belief.I believed in prayer and repetance with a text book mentality. Now I rely on God as a teacher and I believe as prayer and repentance as a form of learning and understanding. In a word I had to move away from the Church to find a deeper meaning of God in my life. To stop using God and my religion as a excuse. I know this is backwards thinking to some. And some are probably quaking in there shoes saying this is blasphemy but I am not trying to be contemptuous to God or others and God knows that. I pray to God everyday I just do not need the sanctuary of a Church to do it in. I feel very at peace with my beliefs and do not feel I will be thrown into hell's fires for them. Though that may be my repentance for some sins my soul carries through life. I am very aware of that also. I would never discount anothers beliefs in the Church they are just no longer mine.
The book may be interesting to read though. I may add it to my list. Thank you for the suggestion
You are a study in contrasts for sure Chrissy. A self, proclaimed LD with a 'unimaginative husband', who owns a sex toy website. For some reason I always imagined those people to be swinging HD's.
And on the thirds I think the blood has just started to congeal in this part of his body LOL.
another technicality, to be a whore you would have to be paid for your services. Lost and misguided slut at the very worst if you want to mentally/verbally beat yourself. I have no interest in doing so. Im busy dealing with my own 'sins' over here.
John 8:3-7
reminds me of a another biblical story...
Most people know the story about the The walls fo Jericho, how they Israelistes blew their horns and the walls to the city fell. Except for the part that a woman named Rahab lived there, who had assisted the two spies that went to scout the city. The reason no suspicion was raised when two strange men stayed with her is because she was a prostitute. This 'sinner' and her family were the only ones to survive the destruction of the city though. Joshua chapter 2
The fact that violating the 10 commandmets makes a mess of our lives and does damage to ourselves and our loved ones should be as great a motivator to follow them as worrying about what may happen in the here after. They are rules to help us overcome our instictual reactions. Kinda like DB'ing.
You are a study in contrasts for sure Chrissy. A self, proclaimed LD with a 'unimaginative husband', who owns a sex toy website. For some reason I always imagined those people to be swinging HD's.
Tee Hee I always thought Alanis was singing about me in her song All I really want. lol
No my proclaimation of LDness is only within my current relationship. My H sex drive far out reaches mine. I was labeled LD within the BB because anothers needs of sexual satisfaction out weighed mine. (Just think some where out there may be two nympho maniacs and one may still be considered LD to the other). And because of some of my views of sexual needs. So I am not LD I am just wearing that label. And my alter ego is swinging from the chandeliers as we speak lol
another technicality, to be a whore you would have to be paid for your services. Lost and misguided slut at the very worst if you want to mentally/verbally beat yourself
Well technically whores and sluts are both terms for prostitution. Dictionary implies both give service for personal gain. So I guess Tramp would be a better descriptive word to address my prior promiscuous behavior.
I look at it this way at least I can still count it on my fingers no toes required or need for borrowing of other peoples digits to keep count.And ahh thats all in fun to me. I long realized I can not undo deeds that in which my own naivety of outcome blinded me to and I did. But I can learn from those deeds and experiences and try not to repeat them.
This 'sinner' and her family were the only ones to survive the destruction of the city though
Just more proof to me that God can see within us and determines our worth not by our actions but by our intent. Though society viewed her as dirty and unworthy God may have viewed her as having the purest of hearts and most worthy of all.
Just putting these thoughts down so I do not lose them.
Today after another lack luster sexual event between H and myself I came to a wierd place, As I have stated before I am forcably trying to make myself feel something anything at this point. So all durring the event I keep trying to keep my mind focused on the event and I tried to keep reminding myself this was my H and this was his show of desire for me and this was his way to show me love trying to forge some emotional connection with H and not just a physical connect. Yeah it did not work. Matter of fact at the end of the event my first thought was "What a lackluster show of emotions and desire it was" yes you read that right. First thought came right out of the blue. I initally tried to push this thought out of my head. But then decided to ponder on it. So while my H was snuggling and getting his emotional connection thing going I was laying and pondering and trying to rationalize this thought. But then dam bang another one popped up. Okay here I am a million miles away in thought and my H is getting some emotional charge from our snuggle how? I was as good as snuggling a pillow I was not even there in mind or spirit I had ran off to wonder what land in my head and he was feeling connected? And his behavior afterwards was affirming that he got what he was needing how? I thought a connection derived from the fusing of two things together. Anyhow I am miffed but more so by my first thought after sex.
How rational is this. Here me the one who has the H with desire and ability out the bo hole. Who literly feel suffercated by there spouse need for affection. Can also say that there spouses desire is lack luster. But in truth I feel this way. It lacks passion it lacks conviction it lacks depth it lacks well alot. (ran out of words lol).
People have asked me repeatedly what I need from my H. I always say I am not sure what it is I need but give a list of what I want. So today I say . I need real feeling. Feeling that has passion that has conviction and that has depth. I need feeling that can set my nerves on fire. That can make me tingle and crave and want. I need desire that has substance and can overwhelm me not from need but emotion. So that is what I need from my H.
Yeah so here I am in the same boat as CeMar (oh thats scarey) I want something from my H he never gave me in the first place. I am changing the rules of sort. Just as he is by wanting his wife to be his soul mate. I am screwed not only because my H lacks enough confidence and drive to give me this. But because this is big and was always there. Reading my own post I see it now. Being willing to be detached was a great cover up hell even I forgot about it. But now that I am no longer willing to remain emotionally inept. The cover is slipping off of the pot and the truth can be seen. Boy am I ever screwed.
What would elicit that "real feeling" in you? What is it your H could do that you think would ignite those feelings?
Any ideas?
Chrissy, I know how you feel, but I have to admit that analyzing things the way you did while ML with your H...instead of simply just being in the moment with your H is probably going to make it difficult for you to have that EC that you are wanting.
Don't think I'm saying I don't know what it's like for your mind to wander at times like that...I'm guilty of that too every now and then. But do what you can to try to keep yourself present.
Chrissy, I think you are putting the cart before the horse.
You are wanting to see depths of feelings and conviction of emotion in an R that is seriously damaged. I don't see that happening quite yet, kwim?
Yes your H felt closER to you last night after making love. But you are wanting the types of feelings that would come if he were feeling 100% satisfied within the relationship. That's not where you two are, these days. So take it easy..keep on with the resurrection and you will get there.
Perhaps you will say, But honeypot he was never like this. Well, maybe not..he was a young guy when you met him and they are not known for their depth and intelligence now are they. He *does* feel deeply for you but asking him to show it now, when things are rough, is only going to get you more of what you already experienced: disappointment at the lacklusterness of it all.
I know that I keep a strong damper on my desire and my conviction (good description!) because I know that it is not how my H wants me to show love. Therefore, I feel shy and awkward about letting it all hang out. That might be some of it, too.
Anyway, hang in there girl.
Oh! I just thought of something else... For me, the frequency makes a huge difference in how easily I can open up and get with it, conviction-wise. That is, if we ML on Monday I may be like: woo. If we do it on Tues and Wed too, then I'm getting to the Woo HOOO stage. My depth is really getting intense and I can show my conviction much more easily. The walls are coming down. If we do it on Thurs and Sat too, well, forget about it. Then I'm at WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and I hold nothing back. I let him see all of me.
So it's all tied up in the love bank and deposits and withdrawals and all that good stuff. I realize that this might depress you even more--sure hope not--but think about how lackluster you might be, if H were to suddenly want to have an intimate conversation with you. You probably wouldn't be melting quite yet, nor would you open up completely. Over the course of time, though, you may start to soften and let him see more of you.
Quote: Okay here I am a million miles away in thought and my H is getting some emotional charge from our snuggle how? I was as good as snuggling a pillow I was not even there in mind or spirit I had ran off to wonder what land in my head and he was feeling connected?
I have been the H in that position and I can tell she is a milion miles away. Sucks big time after I do what I can to reel her into here and now land. For a guy to have his W's mind a million miles away while trying to ML, whel it becomes sex and ML is something different.
Do it enough and a guys mind starts to wander, the M becomes different, colder.
Well actually I spent most of the time trying to focus on the event and remind myself what it was suppose to mean to achieve that emotional connect. All in toll it was another failed attempt. The analizing started after my first thought after we were finished. And carried through to snuggle time.
And all in all I am at uck land with it all. My big thought process was really a rewritten version of what I keep saying over and over again just a different usage of words to describe it. Thats not really progress. So uck.
I don't mean to be a pain in the butt here...well ok I do. BUT, if you were "reminding yourself" what it was supposed to mean and achieve....you weren't in the moment
I suspect, that you may be a lot like me in one aspect....your mind constantly gets in the way. Try to mentally put all that extraneous crap on the shelf when being intimate with your H and just experience what's going on...don't remind yourself what your trying to achieve etc....just be. It takes some practice and some concious effort at first but you can do this.
I take it to be worth alot. Just you caring enough to follow me and encourage me through this journey is worth more then words can say.
your mind constantly gets in the way.
True it gets in the way of everything sleep sex eatting the whole ball of wax.
This whole new conditioning aspect is really hard. Okay to break the habit of drifting off or fantasy I try to focus on staying and remembering who I am with and how I should feel. That does not work.
This laying in bed or sitting on the couch and touching and trying to feel something does not seem to work.
This trying to respond to my H instead of respond to his actions does not seem to work.
I am really starting to wonder. How much of this is detachment vs true lack of feelings for him? That is a very sad thought for me. Along with the thought that to be what I want and to create desire in me is going to take him being a person he never was makes me feel like I am being unfair to him that makes me said also. Maybe detached Chrissy is the best Chrissy for the R. Like I said I am in uck land.
I just know of late I am having these stirring memories of what I use to find attractive in people long ago. I am remembering what type of person could charge my nerves (not meant sexually) Make me feel alive and challenged. And my H does not contain these qualities. I think I was in a down time/break when I met him. I think I found his not being these things not attractive but refreshing. But I think somewhere long ago I realized but did not accept that I had made a mistake that was going to hurt him more then me so shut down to avoid doing so. By not accepting I mean I think I did not give up hope he could change and become. But I am really not sure right now. All these memories I have blocked for so long that are swimming around all of a sudden have me off balance. So I have no definative thoughts.
