I have backed off on my posting spending less time talking about my problems and more time trying to address them to no real avail but at least I am trying.
Cin your last post hits on somethings that I have realized in the past few months Though maybe not right on track it is in the same ballfield.
I mean desiring sex. If you want to break through the barriers that seperate you from your sexuality, it has to be for you, not to fulfill your Hs needs. If you set his needs apart from the benefits that being comfortable with your feminity and sexuality may bring you, then you will be able to see more clearly what will get you there.
This comment made me sit up and take note. Why because I think in someway I have mislead you to believe I am not aware of my sexuality. I am very aware of it. Have even admitted to using both my sexuality and sensuality to my advantage in the past by using others sexuality against them.
The best way for me to describe what happens is that you begin to relax, not just physically, but emotionally and spritually. Other people's trangressions begin not to matter as much. You'll know, without a doubt, that no matter what you do or what you say, there are parts of you that are good. That goodness is a rock you can go back to no matter what happens.
This paragraph has a awesome sentiment to it. I would say to me it is more about self exceptence then sexuality. When I got to a point a few years ago that I wanted to let go of my anger and had to forgive not only others but myself for past mistakes this is what I was seeking. There are some things I have not let go of I am finding but not the hurt itself but how I handled it. Or did not handle it.
The thing is that a great many sexual abuse survivors have an ivisible but very strong barrier between their thoughts and feelings, a disconnect, if you will. You talked about lamps and plugs in a previous post. It is this disconnect that abuse victims devise to get through abusive situations. It's a survival mechanism that works effectively until such a time that the survivor decides he/she wants to have an intimate relationship
Ah this is where I am today. Though I do not feel that the abuse per say is the largest cause of my disconnect. I have became very aware of recent that I am very disconnected on a large scale of different levels. That I disconnect from almost everything. My inept coping skills I developed in early life seem to override my emotional reactions to everything. And though on occassion I have a spontaneous gut reaction it does not last long and it seems I automatically shut down even when I am not trying to. My lack of emotional attachment and gaurded reactions though seem to come natural to me should not be and though at one time I felt was a gift now it seem like a curse. And I wonder if is the real root of this inner lonliness I feel. Speaking about my ex-boyfriend and the realization that it was not the person or relationship that has a hold on me and that they are not the devil that dwells within but the mask it hides behind has made me see things slightly different of late and has allowed me to let go a little of the hurt that I have held onto all these years. But it has also made me crave a connection to my own emotions that I do not have a clue on how to establish. And that leaves me in a unknown place to start from.
Were this takes me to in my R with my H is probably not a good place to be either. I have been doing little exercises lately trying to forge a emotional connection of any sort. I try to will myself into feeling what I think I should be feeling at the moment. I have not had much success little hints of a feeling of connection here and there but always fleeting and very faint. Which makes me question if I do not have any real feelings for him due to my shut down or if it is truely the relationship. Right now I do not feel in a position to determine that. I imagine all kinds of situations good and bad and try to imagine how I would feel if it was real. I have noticed that if I think of something bad regaurding my kids or mother or grandmother I feel desperate or distraught. But if it is a male I am thinking I feel only sadness. I am sure this means something just not real sure what yet.
I am also trying to stop using sleeping pills to help me sleep. Though the doctor prescribed them to help me stop some of my nightmares I am wondering if my not allowing them is also another emotional shut off. Though after only a night or two of not taking them the nightmares tend to overrun what little sleep I am able to acheive and make it not very peaceful I am going to try to limit my use of sleeping pills to only when I am so strung out from lack of sleep that I need to get a dream devoid rest. Odd though how even in dreams my logic kicks in when I am trying to come out of a dream state because it has me agitated. Example last night I went to bed around 11 finally drifted off to sleep around 2. Woke up because I was dreaming my H had snuck home and killed me and my son. As I was waking up I remember telling myself though my H may kill me he would never kill my son. I was reasoning this out in my head even though I was not fully awake. I do this often when a dream involves something happening to my children or someone I care about. This happens often the reasoning of why something cannot happen I dream about I don't know how many other people experience this but it is odd. I seem to fight my own dreams at times.
And I have finally decided to go ahead and go back on anti depressants I stated before I was going to then started worrying about the fact that I was on them before and my depression took on a suicidal aspect. But I have thought long and hard and have decided that I will not go back to the one that they had changed me over to prior to that period that coupled with the fact I am not in the same place I was then leads me to the belief that they may benifit me more now.
