Chrissy, I know that realizing your own sexuality may seem like it is an issue that will benefit your H, and most certainly it will, but it's more about you and what you need than fulfilling his needs. When you get to a point where you can see that this is something for you and not anyone else, it will be easier for you. I know that it's impossible to imagine experiencing things differently than you do now, but it is absolutely possible. Just keep reading and keep plugging, you'll get there.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I mean desiring sex. If you want to break through the barriers that seperate you from your sexuality, it has to be for you, not to fulfill your Hs needs. If you set his needs apart from the benefits that being comfortable with your feminity and sexuality may bring you, then you will be able to see more clearly what will get you there.
The best way for me to describe what happens is that you begin to relax, not just physically, but emotionally and spritually. Other people's trangressions begin not to matter as much. You'll know, without a doubt, that no matter what you do or what you say, there are parts of you that are good. That goodness is a rock you can go back to no matter what happens.
The work is hard and confusing at times, because sexual abuse can damage so many aspects of the survivors life. HD folks on this board will attest to the fact that when things are going well sexually, everything seems to fall into place and the world is a better place. Unfortunately this paradigm works in reverse, when things are going badly in the sexual arena, the world seems a pretty bleak place.
The thing is that a great many sexual abuse survivors have an ivisible but very strong barrier between their thoughts and feelings, a disconnect, if you will. You talked about lamps and plugs in a previous post. It is this disconnect that abuse victims devise to get through abusive situations. It's a survival mechanism that works effectively until such a time that the survivor decides he/she wants to have an intimate relationship.
For many years I thought the man who deflowered me when I was four stole something that could not be replaced. I was angry and wanted retribution. I took out my anger on everyone around me. No matter what the reasoning behind those acts of anger, it is my responsibility to atone for them. As for replacement of my virginity, there is a part of me that no one can touch, not even a man who couldn't resist the charms of a four year old child.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I have backed off on my posting spending less time talking about my problems and more time trying to address them to no real avail but at least I am trying.
Cin your last post hits on somethings that I have realized in the past few months Though maybe not right on track it is in the same ballfield.
I mean desiring sex. If you want to break through the barriers that seperate you from your sexuality, it has to be for you, not to fulfill your Hs needs. If you set his needs apart from the benefits that being comfortable with your feminity and sexuality may bring you, then you will be able to see more clearly what will get you there.
This comment made me sit up and take note. Why because I think in someway I have mislead you to believe I am not aware of my sexuality. I am very aware of it. Have even admitted to using both my sexuality and sensuality to my advantage in the past by using others sexuality against them.
The best way for me to describe what happens is that you begin to relax, not just physically, but emotionally and spritually. Other people's trangressions begin not to matter as much. You'll know, without a doubt, that no matter what you do or what you say, there are parts of you that are good. That goodness is a rock you can go back to no matter what happens.
This paragraph has a awesome sentiment to it. I would say to me it is more about self exceptence then sexuality. When I got to a point a few years ago that I wanted to let go of my anger and had to forgive not only others but myself for past mistakes this is what I was seeking. There are some things I have not let go of I am finding but not the hurt itself but how I handled it. Or did not handle it.
The thing is that a great many sexual abuse survivors have an ivisible but very strong barrier between their thoughts and feelings, a disconnect, if you will. You talked about lamps and plugs in a previous post. It is this disconnect that abuse victims devise to get through abusive situations. It's a survival mechanism that works effectively until such a time that the survivor decides he/she wants to have an intimate relationship
Ah this is where I am today. Though I do not feel that the abuse per say is the largest cause of my disconnect. I have became very aware of recent that I am very disconnected on a large scale of different levels. That I disconnect from almost everything. My inept coping skills I developed in early life seem to override my emotional reactions to everything. And though on occassion I have a spontaneous gut reaction it does not last long and it seems I automatically shut down even when I am not trying to. My lack of emotional attachment and gaurded reactions though seem to come natural to me should not be and though at one time I felt was a gift now it seem like a curse. And I wonder if is the real root of this inner lonliness I feel. Speaking about my ex-boyfriend and the realization that it was not the person or relationship that has a hold on me and that they are not the devil that dwells within but the mask it hides behind has made me see things slightly different of late and has allowed me to let go a little of the hurt that I have held onto all these years. But it has also made me crave a connection to my own emotions that I do not have a clue on how to establish. And that leaves me in a unknown place to start from.
Were this takes me to in my R with my H is probably not a good place to be either. I have been doing little exercises lately trying to forge a emotional connection of any sort. I try to will myself into feeling what I think I should be feeling at the moment. I have not had much success little hints of a feeling of connection here and there but always fleeting and very faint. Which makes me question if I do not have any real feelings for him due to my shut down or if it is truely the relationship. Right now I do not feel in a position to determine that. I imagine all kinds of situations good and bad and try to imagine how I would feel if it was real. I have noticed that if I think of something bad regaurding my kids or mother or grandmother I feel desperate or distraught. But if it is a male I am thinking I feel only sadness. I am sure this means something just not real sure what yet.
I am also trying to stop using sleeping pills to help me sleep. Though the doctor prescribed them to help me stop some of my nightmares I am wondering if my not allowing them is also another emotional shut off. Though after only a night or two of not taking them the nightmares tend to overrun what little sleep I am able to acheive and make it not very peaceful I am going to try to limit my use of sleeping pills to only when I am so strung out from lack of sleep that I need to get a dream devoid rest. Odd though how even in dreams my logic kicks in when I am trying to come out of a dream state because it has me agitated. Example last night I went to bed around 11 finally drifted off to sleep around 2. Woke up because I was dreaming my H had snuck home and killed me and my son. As I was waking up I remember telling myself though my H may kill me he would never kill my son. I was reasoning this out in my head even though I was not fully awake. I do this often when a dream involves something happening to my children or someone I care about. This happens often the reasoning of why something cannot happen I dream about I don't know how many other people experience this but it is odd. I seem to fight my own dreams at times.
And I have finally decided to go ahead and go back on anti depressants I stated before I was going to then started worrying about the fact that I was on them before and my depression took on a suicidal aspect. But I have thought long and hard and have decided that I will not go back to the one that they had changed me over to prior to that period that coupled with the fact I am not in the same place I was then leads me to the belief that they may benifit me more now.
So I was really hoping for some progress and thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel concerning my H and his GAL that did not have to revolve souly around me and my existence.
H came home about a two weeks ago and let me know that a few guys at work were going to the beach for a few days of fishing and such and they had invited him along. He of course had stated that he would have to ask his wife. Wish he would have said talk to his wife not ask his wife. But anyhow. H proceeded to tell me how he knew we could not afford it and blah blah blah. Well I told him to go it would be fun a good experience and I would find the money for him to go. So he agreed to go. Well as time progressed he has found several reasons that he should not go. First they were staying at a friends dads place and that fell through and so it would be the additional cost of a hotel room. Then they were going to have to take to many vehicles. He should be doing this or we should be using money for that blah blah blah. Every reason he has come up with to block his going I have unblocked. I had a yardsale gave him the money so it did not take away from household money, offered my Jeep for the travel anything I could think of. I have also had to try to tacfully turn his attitude from oh well I guess it will be alright to yeah man I cannot wait to go this is going to be great. Made a little progress not great leaps and bounds but everytime he has came off with a moralistic high handed remark I have pointed out maybe that was not the attitude to have maybe he should be a little more open just be one of the boys while he was gone. And he has seemed to loosen up a little. Even asked me to buy him some beer for the trip which a week ago he was denying he would be even drinking and was critical of the fact that the others would be drinking. Which I nicely pointed out to him if he was not fun to be with he would probably not get invited again so lighten up a little. So he has lightened up a little which gives me some hope he does want future opportunities to be invited again and is open to try to enjoy himself.
All and all my rant is this. All the hard work I have put into not only making it possible for H to do this But into convincing him to be open to having fun for himself and not just do it because I think it would be a good experience for him. And now he calls me the day before he is to leave and tells me oh well they may not be going because of the weather. Looks like there is a hurricane headed to the Carolinas coast. WTF the stars must be against me.(yes being shallow I know there are people with much bigger problems then this right now). I just know if they do not postpone but cancel the trip it will be hell to get him to be willing to do this again. If they hand him back his hotel money the whole thing is screwed and we are back to square one. Urgghh I am not a happy camper. (again knowing this all sounds shallow)
So anyhow I do have a question for whoever feels inclined to answer. And this has nothing to do with the above. I started wondering this the other night after H and I had sex.
Okay giving to much personal info here but ah if it helps someone explain this to me what ever.
I never have orgasms from sex per say itself. Okay well maybe once or twice. Any how a year or so ago I realized that the only time I orgasm is when my clit is highly stimulated. And oddly enough usually only after the warmth of my H's orgasm. Anyhow again.(dam I think I am blushing in cyber land). So once my H orgasm and then I do atleast half the time we continue to have sex. Now to me this sex after my orgasm is awesome it feels alive and stimulating where as sex before orgasm is ahhhh. Thinking that if this is normal then how does a woman ever get to orgasm from just sex? My H has said he wishes he could cause me the orgasm from sex instead of stimulation of my clit but knowing how my body responds to the thrusting prior to orgams vs after I am not sure how it is possible. Any thoughts? And is this normal?
Well on a more fun side D18 is home for the weekend for a visit. I think I will be seeing alot more of her soon she is talking about moving home. Yeah not real sure if this is a good move for her marriage but it will be great for her she will be going back to school soon and I will be getting to see tons of her again. Since she has been gone I feel like my best friend disappeared and I am all alone. (Okay so the 20 minutes a day I use to see her was tons of time compared to once a month for 20 minutes lol)
Hey Chrissy Just want to say Hi and see what was going on in Chrissy Land I read your posts but I have nothing to offer for most of what you are going thru. You girls take good care of each other. You are strong for dealing with your sitch though, so give your self props for that. I need to respond to you and LFL over on my thread but you had a couple nuggets in her that I wanted to quote for the guys... and then offer some suggestions for the sex.
Quote: H came home about a two weeks ago and let me know that a few guys at work were going to the beach for a few days of fishing and such and they had invited him along. He of course had stated that he would have to ask his wife. Wish he would have said talk to his wife not ask his wife.
Quote: All and all my rant is this. All the hard work I have put into not only making it possible for H to do this But into convincing him to be open to having fun for himself and not just do it because I think it would be a good experience for him.
on to the good stuff.
Quote: I never have orgasms from sex per say itself. Okay well maybe once or twice.
You are normal. this is typical. Most women dont climax from IC.
Quote: Any how a year or so ago I realized that the only time I orgasm is when my clit is highly stimulated.
How many years have you been haveing sex. That is a rhetorical question that you dont have to answer. I point it out to the guys because many women do not know their own bodies pleasure capabilities. even after years of sex. We are generally expected to teach them. Its not fair. Get over it. If you as the man dont know you are going to have to educate yourself. get Cracking. Its a lot less complicated then programming your VCR, and much more rewarding.
Quote: And oddly enough usually only after the warmth of my H's orgasm.
The Mind is the BIGGEST erogenous zone. Woman are so tuned into their mans mental state, Its not something I have the words to adequetly explain here. It just is. Tap into a womans mind and you will tap into her sex drive.
Quote: Anyhow again.(dam I think I am blushing in cyber land). So once my H orgasm and then I do atleast half the time we continue to have sex.
Confidance comes directly from courage. It took a lot of courage to post and ask this... now let me get this straight. your H climaxs... then you do... then you have IC again? your H is DEFINITELY HD and DEFINITELY attracted to YOU.
Quote: Now to me this sex after my orgasm is awesome it feels alive and stimulating where as sex before orgasm is ahhhh.
OK. If IC after climax is awesome and stimulatind ... why dont you have your H bring you to climax before IC. Either oral or hands, or whatever you do. Do what works. You need time to get warmed up. That is normal. If he still wants to go 2 rounds it is only going to become more 'alive' and more intense for you the more times you climax. Keep this self exploration up and you will be a HDW and then your H will get to see how it feels to be harangued for sex all the time. LOL.
Quote: Thinking that if this is normal then how does a woman ever get to orgasm from just sex? My H has said he wishes he could cause me the orgasm from sex instead of stimulation of my clit but knowing how my body responds to the thrusting prior to orgams vs after I am not sure how it is possible. Any thoughts? And is this normal?
Most dont. occasionally when the planets align. if your H figures out how to align them fine, other wise dont worry about what he wants. It is not your problem. It is just him wanting to feed his ego. It makes him feel studly when it happens. enjoy what you like and focus on what works and do more of that. He doesnt expect his car to run with no oil. He isnt going to get maximum performance out of you either without lubing you up.
Sorta lost on the nuggets you were showing the guys. Unless you were pointing to the fact it should be about him not me. I think you are one person who see's and agrees that GAL is important aspect in a relationshp
Now on to the good parts.
Thank you for answering the question regaurding my sexual responses and for affirming that they are not on the line of abnormal. As to realizing what interested me and the length of time needed to discover this. Well I can attribute a few known factors to this. One having to overcome my Catholic upbringing and moral views that were imposed on me do to this. Secondly having a H that was sexually confined himself. He had never had alot of sexual experiences prior to our relationship and by nature is not adventurous so not a great mix for experimenting with ones sexual nature. Couple that with the fact in my first marriage orgasm did happen durring IC but sex there was majorly different.
I really liked your respones to this And oddly enough usually only after the warmth of my H's orgasm. I have often wondered if the erotic feeling that comes from this is the same basis that makes people apt to dapple in golden showers though in truth I may wonder but the idea of being pee'd on or in is not one that I will actively pursue due to the pure uckkk of the situation lol.
now let me get this straight. your H climaxs... then you do... then you have IC again? your H is DEFINITELY HD and DEFINITELY attracted to YOU.
Yes my H is prone to mutliple orgasms. My H is capable of not one but two within a short period of time 90% of the time and a third about 30% of the time. Though the third is hard work for him to achieve The erection is not problematic but the orgasm itself is like when you feel like when you have a kidney infection and feel like you need to pee really bad yet have to strain for a trickle. And since my H does have multiple my orgasms and the time it takes gives him the needed down time which is very short for him to be fully erect and ready to go again.
why dont you have your H bring you to climax before IC He does try but my climax again is usually something that comes much easier after he dispells the warmth of his orgasm on my clit. The warmth itself that comes from it moves me along alot quicker. Hence my thoughts towards the golden showers lol.
I know ... you arent a car. Guy analogy. Well since you are a guy I guess we can let this analogy slide
Hey I got some questions, ignore any or all.. and some suggestions of course.
One having to overcome my Catholic upbringing and moral views that were imposed on me do to this. From one of your previous post it sounds like you have had number of partners. You had sex... but werent allowed to enjoy it?
sex there was majorly different how so.
if it is only the warmth that makes it easier then his mouth is just as warm or warmer and also wet. there are also a couple of lubes out that feel warm when rubbed on the body. KY is one, its at the drugstore. just speculation but Im guessing it is the mental stim your get from knowing of his climax that 'moves you along quicker'.
Keep experimenting.. you are married... no moral excuses left. Two or three times a evening on a regular basis put your H out of the average , but they arent multiple O's, he still has a refractory period. Sorry, just being technical.
As for the golden showers, inside you is definitely unhealthy, but I have had a few instances where the girl lost bladder control. Crazy things happen during sex, they make for funny stories and good memories. It all comes out in the wash, so if you are both enjoying the activity, different strokes for different folks.
One having to overcome my Catholic upbringing and moral views that were imposed on me do to this. From one of your previous post it sounds like you have had number of partners. You had sex... but werent allowed to enjoy it?
Yes whore that I am I have had a number of partners I recall the number 7 but question a number 8. Fuzzy on that one do to to much alcohol and maybe a little want not to remember added in.(not including the not my choice's)
In four possibly five of those experiences no it was not about me and my enjoyment even in a slight round about way. All about the other person. The remainder. In the first it was all a learning experience type thing. For both of us in our first go around as a couple. Satisfaction and accomplishment of it was all up in the air. In later in life rounds as a couple. My overly cocky ex was more of a challenge as to prove to him I could satisfy his every need. I never really even took consideration of my own needs.
In the second being my ex husband ah it was all different. My ex was a womanizing azzhole who knew how to have sex. And was hung like a horse to boot. He felt you should experience and try everything in life at least once. We had a great sex life very erotic and spicey. After he convinced me to open up to the whole experience. . We had sex up until the day he got on a plane to leave to go back to England. We just had a terrible marriage. He was very physically vilolent had that have not been in the mix I think I would have easily over looked the womanizing and stayed with in the relationship. But I could not demean myself or risk my childs welfare to live within my belief of marriage and my vows by enduring his abuse. That was a long painful decision for me to make I had to give up alot of my beliefs to take that step.
Then there is my H.
When I refer to using my sexuality or sensuality against others as in a weapon it does not mean I have always went full stream ahead. There is a stopping point.
And almost all references to a past relationship go back to sexual partner number one in my life. I know it can get confusing
Now the Catholic upbringing and beliefs hmmm yeah I never said I was a good Catholic lol. No really being raised in a Catholic household. Sex was not talked about. And when it was it was sinful aspects of masturbation,premarital sex, and self enjoyment. Sex was a something only married couples did and only for reproduction purposes not enjoyment deal. So even if I was being a bad Catholic and having pre marital sex I was being a good Catholic for not enjoying it and I was never going to go blind lol. But in the here and now I have in essence walked away from the Catholic Church. I believe in God and even if a person could prove to me he does not exist I would refuse to listen to it. I have only walked away from the church and its self imposed benifical beliefs not religion in itself. I believe in the 10 commandments and try to live by them. And I have taught my children God knows what you do and why you do it from that he determines your worth not by if you go confess to it to a preist or say 100 Hail Mary's. He knows from within you if you have done wrong with ill intent or with good intent since he dwells within you. And he knows how sorry you are or if you are just mimicking the words for others sake without you ever saying a word. Okay enough on that lol. Sometimes I sprew forth to much info.
Im guessing it is the mental stim your get from knowing of his climax that 'moves you along quicker'
Can not argue that not that I want to. Makes good sense.
Keep experimenting.. you are married... no moral excuses left
No just a non imaginative partner.
but they arent multiple O's, he still has a refractory period. Sorry, just being technical.
Okay just a tech question here. So even though he does not go completely limp between round one and two when it is me focus time it is not a multiple orgasm ? There have been times when me focus is not required and the only pause is him catching his breath. And on the thrids I think the blood has just started to congeal in this part of his body is cause for that. lol I am joking.
there are also a couple of lubes out that feel warm when rubbed on the body. KY is one, its at the drugstore.
The drugstore how insulting! Why would I go to a drug store when I own a sex toy website you silly man.
Quote: And when it was it was sinful aspects of masturbation,premarital sex, and self enjoyment. Sex was a something only married couples did and only for reproduction purposes not enjoyment deal. So even if I was being a bad Catholic and having pre marital sex I was being a good Catholic for not enjoying it and I was never going to go blind lol.
The church does not forbid sex for enjoyment between Married couples. What she asks you to do is to leave open the possibility of creating life, which means that sex shouldn't be contracepted. Unfortunately, this is not explained well to Catholics and there is a heckuva lot of misinformation out there. If you can open your mind to it, I'd recommend reading Christopher West's good news about sex. It is a layman's explanation of John Paul's theology of the body. Every Catholic owes it to themselves to read it. It also makes it a lot clearer why the Church considers MB a sin, but then so is not submitting to your spouse.
