Dancing with my Devils

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,

I mean desiring sex. If you want to break through the barriers that seperate you from your sexuality, it has to be for you, not to fulfill your Hs needs. If you set his needs apart from the benefits that being comfortable with your feminity and sexuality may bring you, then you will be able to see more clearly what will get you there.

The best way for me to describe what happens is that you begin to relax, not just physically, but emotionally and spritually. Other people's trangressions begin not to matter as much. You'll know, without a doubt, that no matter what you do or what you say, there are parts of you that are good. That goodness is a rock you can go back to no matter what happens.

The work is hard and confusing at times, because sexual abuse can damage so many aspects of the survivors life. HD folks on this board will attest to the fact that when things are going well sexually, everything seems to fall into place and the world is a better place. Unfortunately this paradigm works in reverse, when things are going badly in the sexual arena, the world seems a pretty bleak place.

The thing is that a great many sexual abuse survivors have an ivisible but very strong barrier between their thoughts and feelings, a disconnect, if you will. You talked about lamps and plugs in a previous post. It is this disconnect that abuse victims devise to get through abusive situations. It's a survival mechanism that works effectively until such a time that the survivor decides he/she wants to have an intimate relationship.

For many years I thought the man who deflowered me when I was four stole something that could not be replaced. I was angry and wanted retribution. I took out my anger on everyone around me. No matter what the reasoning behind those acts of anger, it is my responsibility to atone for them. As for replacement of my virginity, there is a part of me that no one can touch, not even a man who couldn't resist the charms of a four year old child.