Dancing with my Devils

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,
You are exactly where I was less than a year ago. My H constantly pawed me. Ya know the funny thing is that when I started to enjoy that pawing, he stopped doing it. One of his favorite things was to come up behind me when I was doing the dishes and start doing a bump and grind. It used to irritate the hell out of me and I would push him away and tell him to behave himself. Now I love to think, "hey I could get out of doing the dishes, woo hoo"! H doesn't do this anymore. During my LD days I could not imagine enjoying and persuing sexual connection, but I do both on a regular basis now. An important step was being here and interacting with the people on this board. Another was openmindedly reading the material suggested by various members here. Finally I have realized that LD and HD are relative terms. They only exist in a dynamics that couples themselves create. As I mentioned in the beginning of my post, my H has decided not to do things that I once considered irritating, but now consider enjoyable, and I think that is crux of the HD/LD dillema more than anything else. Feeling pushed or manipulated into having sexual feelings for your spouse does not spark desire. Though HD folks desperately want to believe that there is something they can do to spark desire in their spouse, most often their efforts are fruitless if the desire is not there to begin with. I know, I know, Michelle says "just do it" and you will enjoy it. "Just do it" is like asking a person with no appetite to eat. They might eat, but there is no savoring the flavor and texture, there is no enjoyment of every morsel. Maybe the point of all this ramble is to say that maybe the LD needs to be "hungry" to desire sex. By hungry I mean frustrated enough with the everpresent jagged pain of depression and the feeling that everyone else knows this fantastic secret you are not privy to, to seek permanent change. That kind of change comes from within and often is hampered by outside pressure. It starts with not defending yourself anymore, just letting whatever happens happen. It is through this letting go of sembalence of control that it is possible to connect with parts of yourself that are untarnished by your experience on this planet. My prayer for you, Chrissy, is that you will find that seed of hope within yourself, it will begin to grow and you will be experiencing things in a whole new way.